cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Jerkbrain is being loud. To drown it out, I feel the need to list my accomplishments from the weekend.

In no particular order:

• Got to go to Med Hookah with Downwood. Got to sit with lots and lots of friends. The conversation was good, the service was INCREDIBLY SLOW, the dancing was good. Like, we got there at 7:30 and got drinks. We didn't get drink refills until 8:30 and didn't get our food until after 9. No bueno.
• For going to Med Hookah, I dressed up. I did full makeup, including getting to use my new eye shadows from Espionage Cosmetics (https://espionagecosmetics.com/makeup/the-browncoats-collection.html). I also pulled out a somewhat springtime dress covered in bright sunflowers with a reasonably trendy neckline (https://www.colettepatterns.com/catalog/myrtle).
• I decided I didn't like any of my other spring dresses and made a new dress for Easter. I found several yards of a floral print on what I think is a scuba knit. It's a minty teal with white flowers. I'm guessing it was from Girl Charlee, but I don't actually remember. I made yet another adjustment to my favorite dress pattern (https://www.colettepatterns.com/catalog/moneta) and had a custom fit, very pretty dress for Easter.
• I got to go to Easter Brunch with Downwood, kids, and MiL. Emi ate ALL THE SHRIMP. Alex ate the snacks that we packed. We didn't want to risk cross contamination with other foods for him. I drank mimosas and ate probably too much. I didn't need dinner later. It was delicious and fun. The kids are generally very well behaved in restaurants, which helps make outings like that enjoyable.
• I made muslins of both my new M4M patterns. I finally figured out the shoulder fitting issues I was running into with the shirt (http://www.madeformermaids.com/product/mamamya/). I also got lucky with my test run of the dress (http://www.madeformermaids.com/product/meganpattern/). I made a peplum top, since I didn't want to commit the fabric required for a dress. Downwood loves it.
• I did lots of laundry. Three loads on Saturday and five on Sunday. I am very glad that we have an HE washer and dryer.
• I read a little bit, including finishing Seanan McGuire's new book. I am torn. While the book got disjointed in the last 1/4, it was an accurate reflection of the inner turmoil of the 1st person narrator. I still enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to the next book with our third and final narrator.
• My MiL liked her birthday presents. I made her a cardigan. I also found a set of fancy dishes on Zulily. She has had fancy Christmas dishes and now she has some fancy summer plates and mugs. Covered in flowers, yo. COVERED in flowers. Very much her style.
• I finished up the Happiness pack on Headspace and have started on the Stress pack. Stress seems to be yet another visualization pack, using the same imagery as Balance and Self-Esteem. It's good, though. I need the practice.
• Emi and I continued to crush our 30 Day Plank Challenge.

See, jerkbrain?! See?! I did a lot of things and did them well! Nothing to be ashamed of! NOTHING!

When I say I'm having a "high anxiety day", I'm not accurately representing what happens.

I'll be trying to concentrate on something - writing code, solving a problem, listening to complaints, helping a new person - and something will change in my head. Sometimes it's just that I look at Facebook. Sometimes it's being nervous about an upcoming meeting or conversation. Sometimes it's my uterus trying to make me crazy. Sometimes it's nothing at all.

A wave of worry starts to take over. My stomach clenches, my throat gets tight, and my breathing gets shallower. I'll sometimes start looking for a way to physically leave whatever situation I'm in. I'll stop being able to focus on whatever it was I was doing. Instead, my brain spins out of control down paths of worry and panic, usually with some self-loathing and sadness thrown in for good measure.

My coping mechanisms change slightly depending on where I am, whether I'm around people, and what I'm meant to be doing. I almost always follow these steps, though.

1. Realize that it's happening. This can be slower than you'd think.
2. Try to take a deep breath or seven.
3. Mentally say, "Yes, this is 'feeling' and I've been distracted by it. It's unpleasant and is worry/anxiety/stress/whatever".
4. Focus on a single physical sensation and observe it for a few seconds

All these things help get a little distance around the feeling and I can usually get back to what I was doing. Sometimes I'm able to get up and take a short walk - get water, get tea, get lunch, go look out a window, or just take a lap of the building. Sometimes I can't leave my office, but I can get up and pace the length of my headset cord. Sometimes I can grab my headphones and listen to an SOS session on Headspace. And sometimes I need to take some Xanax to make it all easier to manage.

So all that happens in a fairly short time frame - just a couple minutes, usually. But it doesn't happen just once on a high anxiety day. It could be once an hour or once every five minutes. I label a day as high anxiety when, at some point, I feel like I'm spending more mental time dealing with anxiety than not.

It's not necessarily accurate, either. Brains like to make patterns out of bad things, but not out of good things. I have a hard time seeing that I'm building new, healthier patterns with some of these coping tricks. It's easy for me to know when I'm having a high anxiety day, but not so easy to know when I'm having a low or no anxiety day.

So I take my medicine, go to therapy, and work on meditation. I doodle and draw tiny lines over and over. I walk and try to spend time thinking about good stuff. I choose not to go into some situations - conventions, gatherings, etc - where I expect to be overwhelmed more often than not. It probably wouldn't be the case, but I'm usually not confident enough to want to risk it.

This is just my experience with anxiety fueling my depression and vice versa. I don't expect this to be the same as anyone else. This is just how it is with me. And so when I say that I'm having a high anxiety day, you may understand why I tend to go with the "list of things makes a post" method of blogging.

I got new glasses! Stylish, hip glasses and actual prescription sunglasses! All hail Zenni Optical!

I had lunch with Downwood and Alex! They brought me my old glasses, since my new ones are pretty tight.

I finished the Anxiety pack on Headspace! Onto learning more about Self-Esteem! But, seriously, I've learned some good things about my brain and how I think. I like this feeling.

I've started on our work Happiness Challenge! One of my coworkers wanted to start a 21-day Be Happier Challenge. I chose three of the five activities: meditate daily (yeah!), a random act of kindness, and write down three unique gratitudes. My random act of kindness today was to write a nice note on the back of one of my zentangles and give it to that coworker. She said it made her day.

My invisible Sith cloak continues to improve my posture and body language!

My writing project with Downwood is over 25k words! Whoa.

Hogswatch was largely good. I had lots of holiday anxiety, but got a lot of sleep and even got some things done around the house! I did lots of sewing, a little reading, some video game playing, and many, many snuggles. We watched a TON of Mythbusters - the Science channel had a mega-marathon of every episode ever and it's Emi's favorite show.

Highlights!

Hogswatch eve and day were at home and quiet. The kids were excited by their gifts from us and from Santa (coloring books, colors, books, small toy, candy). Emi LOVED the princess dress wardrobe that I made for her. Alex LOVED the wooden train pieces that I got him. Downwood loved the Star Wars PJ pants I made. We smoked chicken and salmon for dinner, but didn't really treat the day as a super-special thing.

By boxing day, I needed to get out of the house a bit, but not really be in public. So I went for a walk in the cold drizzle when the full-on rain stopped. I took the kids with me. Emi wanted to run and race. Alex jumped and stomped and splashed in every puddle he could find. It was fun, wet, and exactly what I needed.

We got our second big snowstorm of the year on the 28th. That happened to be the day I needed to drive up in to Madison for therapy and med check visits. I'd been planning on going to get a coffee in between the appointments, but I didn't want to go back out into the ick. So I sat in the lobby, drew a tangle, and read a book for the hour between the visits. I then went to the grocery store since I was already out. When I got home, I couldn't get my car up the driveway. Not an awesome end to the day, but not the worst thing ever.

Tuesday was Paint Nite with Au and RH and Au's little dude. The venue was cramped and kind of awful. I won't go back. But the chocolate martini was lovely, the painting was fun, and I love my friends. Also, RH liked the plaque I made for her and remembered the joke it's meant to commemorate. Life is good.

Emi got to have her first-ever real optometrist appointment. The appointment was early in the morning on NYE. She was super-awesome and impressed both the tech and the doc. She also has perfect vision. It was a good start to the day. Afterwards, we hit the drug store and the grocery store. Downwood and I spent our usual quiet NYE at home. We had terrible snacks (this year it was my fault), played some games, and I decided that the ball dropping in New York was a good enough midnight for me.

New Year's day and weekend we spent in Iowa with my family. It was mostly good. I ate FAR too much junk food, but didn't get too much in the way of awful from my mom. She was on good behavior, so I was, too. I got to hang with my sister and give good gifts. My daughter kidnapped my cousin and convinced her to play ponies for HOURS. I got to see Alex playing with my BiL specifically to annoy my nephew. He knew what he was doing, too, the stinker.

And now I'm back at work. I've made my resolutions and have started taking the steps to achieve them. The kids don't like getting up for school (big surprise), but Alex has discovered that Momma will read a book before she leaves for work. I'm tired and very glad that the holidays are over. We need to take down our tree and lights. I want to get back to sewing on my Star Wars pea coat. I also want to consider seriously working on my Victorian underthings. I won't get this done before the costume convention, but I'd like to get started.

Life does not suck. My brain doesn't always agree with me, but I'm in a better place than I was 6 months ago, which is a relief.

Today is a high anxiety day.

I don't really have a good reason for this - Downwood's home and has new meds for making his blood pressure be not scary. Both kids are well and back at school. I'm back at work and knocking all sorts of things off of my to-dooom list.

I'm wearing my new comic book Peg Legs, a new tunic, and the new boots my MiL gave me for Hogswatch. I finished the foundation series on Headspace and have moved to one that claims to help manage anxiety and worry.

Still, it's gray and rainy outside. It's drizzly. The house is a wreck. I've not planned out any holiday meals. It's still the dark time of the year. It's still the time when I beat myself up for not being perfect - even more than usual.

I know it'll be okay. I'm doing the things I need to do to break out of the mental loop of bad. I'm going to go get some lunch, take a walk, and look at something other than my computer.

M'eh. Two more days of stuck at work and I'll have a week and a half off. Can't come soon enough.

I'm still sick, but getting around better. I should probably go to the doctor at the end of the week if I'm still rattling and hacking. My cough is pretty darn impressive.

Thursday evening was Emi's winter concert. Alex won't be in it until next year. Since I'm sick and Alex goes to bed early, he and I stayed home and watched the livestream of the concert, texting my mom as we all watched together from our various living rooms.

Did I mention our rural elementary school livestreams important events - concerts, graduations, and the like? Because it totally does. I love living in the future.

Friday was mostly for coming home from work and dying. So tired.

Saturday was mostly lovely. I didn't get to sleep in, but I got to get things done when everyone was still sleeping. Downwood took the kids grocery shopping and left me alone in the house for 3.5 glorious hours. I did my meditation, drank tea, and did a lot of sewing on xmas presents.

I also didn't get to sleep in on Sunday. I woke up coughing and went out to sleep on the couch. I don't think I was out there long before Emi and Ox were up and bouncing on me. Ugh. I love them, but no jumping on Mom when she can't breathe.

We put up the Christmas tree. Ox was BESIDE HIMSELF with joy. SO EXCITED.

I did a lot of laundry and frantic sewing. One of our friends with small kids is facing a possible entire lack of presents from Santa. I was already going to send them something, but decided to make some more things. Luckily, I had enough fluffy warm fabric on hand to make a mermaid tail blanket for each girl.

Then Emi wanted to wrap presents. This was not fun for me. I had to bring all the wrapping stuff upstairs. Then I had to go through all the presents and pull out everything not for our immediate family. And get it sorted. And then teach Emi how to wrap. And how to spell "Grandma". And every other name in our family.

Not. Fun.

But all the presents to go to our families are wrapped. All the presents that need to be mailed are wrapped. The presents for the friends mentioned above have no From names on them, the better to be from Santa if necessary.

----

I'm having my usual winter anxiety and mental upset of the holidays. It's not so bad this year, mostly. I have days and hours where the anxiety's getting to me, but it's not quite as constant as I remember it being.

Reasons for better mental state this year: meditation, art, therapy, new anti-anxiety meds.

I'm trying to shut down the negative thoughts and be more at peace with who and where I am. It's not easy. Coloring and drawing are helping. Sewing is helping. Not setting up intricate travel plans is helping.

I'm REALLY looking forward to the week between xmas and New Years. There will be psych appointments. There will be Paint Nite. There will be sewing. There may well be sleeping. There will be games to play.

I can do this. I can make it through this.

I can also re-listen to some of my favorite books. That helps.

Work is batshit crazy. My task list is out of control, as is my notepad, as is my inbox. I am slowly, slowly restoring order from chaos. I've put out the fires and am getting some things done before the next outbreak.




Therapy yesterday was no fun, as usual. Trying to confront the fact that my internal monologue is not very nice to me. The lists of Rules are really not helpful. Don't look like you're sad. Don't look like you're worried. Don't admit that you're not enjoying life. Don't brag. Be proud but never boast. Pride is a sin, anyway, so you should stop that, too. Don't take the last piece of anything. Stop taking up so much space. Be perfect. Always, always be perfect.



Kidz are kids. Ox is getting more and more vocal. Not so much with the words, but still MOAR SOUNDS! Emi is creative, strong, and determined. And sometimes a pill.



Still can't play GW2. Stupid anxiety, but this is apparently a break I need to take.



I got past the uncomfortable place in my book ("The Magicians", Lev Grossman) - the place where I could see the main character about to make some incredibly stupid mistakes and had to put the book down because the Fictional Uncertainty Principle states that until the badness is observed (read) the characters are still okay - and now am in a part that's less uncomfortable and more interesting. I want to slap the main character, but he's 21 and hasn't yet figured out that the world doesn't actually owe him squat, much less happiness.

I'm listening to "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers", which is both interesting and gross. But mostly interesting.




The people in the offices around me seem to do nothing but socialize all day. This wouldn't be bothersome except that one of them is someone I'm trying to train to be amazing and I just want her to do her work, dammit.





I'm not doing any of the SitG workshops or shows. The workshops seem expensive for what I may or may not get out of it. Also, I'd much rather hang with friends in a lower-stress environment than sit through a show. Dunno. Am emotionally, mentally, and physically tired.



I wonder if there's a time next week when I can call in sick and go get a tattoo. That'd be nifty.

Friday - Brain shut down at work about 3:30. That's fine, since I'd been here since 7:15. I worked on one last thing and was out the door close to 4:30. That was a good decision. Stopped at the store to buy treats: chips for Ox, lemon ices for Emi, wine for Downwood and me. Had a reasonably quiet evening.


Saturday - Had internal guilt for most of the day about not going over to Faire. It's opening weekend and wasn't terribly swampy. Instead, Emi and I ran errands. We got her hair cut and I was so, SO proud of her. She told the stylist exactly what she wanted and continued to ask when the cut wasn't exactly what she was thinking. The stylist wanted to know my thoughts and I told her that it's Emi's hair and Emi's decision. We went to Target for house supplies, HyVee for fruit/veg/snacks, Orange Leaf for a treat, and Little Caesar's to grab a pizza for Daddy.

Orange Leaf sells frozen yogurt, yes. But they have three flavors that are dairy-free, so Emi can have them! Luckily, she likes pineapple, pink lemonade, and orange. Also luckily, they seem to have all of them available now, so she can have a choice.

After lunch, we watched some TV, read some books, and got some snuggles in. I also made the kids pick up the living room. They weren't thrilled about that, but eventually agreed that it was easier to run, jump, and practice their American Ninja Warrior skills when the floor was clear.

Late in the afternoon, I took Ox to Culver's. He'd been CRUSHED when I took Emi after softball and didn't take him along. So. Sad. I'd promised him on Wednesday that we'd go out, just us, and get a treat. So we did. He ate some fries and acted silly. I ate some cheese curds and was given a free sundae (probably someone messed up an order).

Sunday - LAUNDRY. As usual. And some sewing. I still didn't hem anything, but I got two more dresses for Emi cut and about half sewn. Next on them is the binding around neck and arms. Pretty easy.

Downwood mowed and I played some Guild Wars with friends. Emi and Ox got sent to timeout and then suspended from screen time for most of the day after ripping apart a booklet that went with one of their sets.

Starting in the afternoon and then going through the evening and bed, the anxiety started to get worse and worse. My temper gets short, I have a hard time focusing on anything, and I don't want to eat. Not fun.

Today - Work kind of sucks. The continual treadmill of too much to do, too many competing priorities, and a lot of pressure to be perfect. I really wanted to call in sick just so I could catch up on some sleep and maybe hem something. And take Emi to swim lessons. And hang with Ox while Emi has a dentist appointment. And take Emi to dance again on my own way to dance.

My office mate being constantly on the phone and me feeling like I got no sleep are contributing to the panic that's simmering right below the surface. No fun.

This week:

• Today - Dance class
• Tomorrow - Med check (actually yay!), pick up Emi from dance class
• Wednesday - Try to leave work on time to catch the end of softball practice
• Thursday - Nothing
• Friday - NDN and Teacher M party. I probably won't have enough people points to stay the whole evening. Not sure.
• Saturday - Werk picnic. Folks are coming up to enjoy and wrangle kidz. There will be swimming after.
• Sunday - Laundry and packing because...
• Monday-Thurs - in Dallas for werk.

Today is a little better again. I got to sleep in and make brownie pancakes for Emi. I took Emi to swim lessons and Ox to the hardware store. Then I sat at the park while they played in the sand.

I'm cranky from getting whined at and sad, but hiding it pretty well.

I will do some sewing. I will read a comfort book. I will eat actual food (green smoothie!) and try to be a reasonable human.

Dance tonight for both Emi and me. I will act like nothing's wrong, because getting told "Just get over it" isn't in my plans for today.

Tomorrow is back to work. We'll see how that goes.