cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Alex didn't want to get out of bed this morning. So snoozy. When we have to get someone out of bed before they're ready, we'll say that they're "not done on both sides". This is something I remember my grandmother telling me. Alex wasn't even done on one side this morning. He finally staggered out of his room just as I was getting ready to go. He held his arms up and just wanted hugs. He laid his head on my shoulder and refused to let go. So we hugged for a long while.

Our family xmas present from my in-laws was a piano. It's a full keyboard and has all sorts of electronic effects. It has very high reviews on Amazon. The kids are enthralled. Now we need to find a teacher.

It is Tuesday, so I had an extra coffee this morning. Small skim almond latte for the win!

I have only two sessions left in my 30 day Anxiety pack on Headspace. It has helped. I haven't had to take the Xanax in a while! Woo!

My Fitbit thinks I didn't have any active minutes yesterday. My Fitbit doesn't understand me. The Saidi choreography that Teacher M's putting us through is ZIPPY. Holy buckets. Also, my phone is convinced that my Fitbit is out of battery. There's a lot of miscommunication going on here.

I don't have pockets today so I'm not going to refresh my lipstick. Still, I put it on this morning, so that counts toward my resolution.

My jerkbrain tries to keep telling me that I'm a horrible person, a failure, not worth anything, and all the assorted nonsense that goes along with it. I mostly know I'm none of those things, but the jerkbrain is loud and inside my head, where things seem to be true.

And so now I list the rebuttals to the jerkbrain, because it's the only thing I can think to do right now to make it shut the hell up.

1. I am eating donuts because donuts are delicious. Also, I bought extra donuts and delivered them to a friend at work. This made both of our days better.
2. I have pretty much all xmas gifts sorted. Just a couple last things to do. Yes, I went over budget in some cases, but it's going to be okay.
3. I am making art when I doodle. It's not the high-falutin' gallery art, but it's pretty and it's mine.
4. My kids are awesome. Alex was deeply impressed by my outfit today - dinosaur xmas sweatshirt and socks with dinosaurs in santa hats. He and I share a certain love of ancient reptiles that Emi and Downwood don't necessarily understand.
5. Nine more working days until holiday break.
6. I won something in an internet random-number generator giveaway! And it was something I really wanted! I may never win anything online ever again, but it's worth it. The something? Seanan McGuire's most recent album, full of monster movies and mad science. Woot! I say, WOOOOOT!
7. I have a haircut tonight. My bangs will finally be back under my control.
8. I am almost able to breathe normally. There are still things happening in my bronchial passages that are unacceptable, but for the most part I sound normal again.
9. I bought Scott Bradlee's album of holiday piano jazz. It's lovely.
10. I'm allowed to fend off a panic attack by any means necessary. I'm allowed to do what I need to do to keep moving. It's fine.

Found a meditation app for my phone and tried it last night. Very relaxing. If I wasn't on the phone every minute of today, I'd try it out and see if it makes work easier.

Emi's decided that helping me with my German lessons is fun. Last night she decided that she wanted to do the typing, too. It take 17 times as long, but she's enjoying herself.

Competent coworkers are a joy. People who are really good at their job, who know that I'm really good at mine, and who are good collaborators? Wonderful.

Noise-cancelling headphones. Not so good when someone at my door wants my attention. Good to muffle the continuous drilling that's going on outside my window.

Ice cream.

Pretty fabric. I got a KnitFix this month and was disappointed by 3 of my 6 fabrics. I was able to trade away two of them that I really didn't love. The third was only a disappointment because it was red solid jersey...which I actually had purchased to get my purchase to free shipping. No, it's not the exact same shade of red, but it's darn close. Just...if I'm already buying plain red, it would have been nice to get something else. I guess it makes sense that I'd like it, since I ordered something similar, but it was disappointing to get as a surprise.

Bad days end.

Focus on the good. Focus on the now, not the future. Focus on the good.

Good things

• Advil and heating pads are fantastic for back pain and cramps. So is stretching. I need to do more of the latter, since I'm getting close to a safe limit on the former.
• The coffee cart in my building has a raspberry white chocolate mocha. It's amazing.
• My headphones are awesome at blocking out the surrounding chaos. I don't have to listen to the conversations in the offices next to mine (thin walls and loud people). I also don't have to hear the white noise of the office.
• William Shakespeare's Star Wars. This is a thing. It is an amazing thing. I just got the audiobook. It has a full cast. It is the best thing.
• Hugs from my Emi. She can be SUCH a pill and so freaking difficult and then super sweet. She's a kid, I get it, these things happen.
• Hugs from my Ox. He goes from being a TOTAL trouble maker to a snugglebug in about three seconds. He's constantly testing boundaries and trying to see what he can get away with.
• Post-Modern Jukebox. They exist. This makes the world better.
• Having time this afternoon to just do work. I doubt it'll remain "free" for long, but it's nice to not be on a call or getting yelled at about something.
• Coming home to hot food. This is especially wonderful after a long day and a snowy drive home.
• The cafeteria at work. I'm continually amazed by the quality of the food and the wonderfully subsidized price.
• I have an appointment on Saturday to get my peacock colored. Yay pain and beauty! Woo!
• Tea
• Friends
• Coworkers who understand my sense of humor and who don't judge me for being a huge nerd and having an extensive list of odd hobbies. And who let me go from talking about pen and paper RPGs to complaining about NFL playcalling in the same breath (WHAT THE HELL, SEAHAWKS?!?! GIVE THE FREAKING BALL TO LYNCH. NONE OF THIS FANCY CRAP).
• Having a team lead who wants to work with me to make my workload more of what I want to do and love doing and less of the soul-killing. And who listens. And pushes me. And is generally awesome.
• Having our free dance time in class be to a string quartet playing Metallica. It felt good.

Wow. That was way more good things than I thought I could come up with today. I still kind of hate the world and want to get off, but there are good things.

I need to make a list of good things. Otherwise, I may go crazy with the annoyance of a multitude of annoying factors.

1. The coffee cart at work now has Pumpkin Spice Latte. Le yum.
2. I've been making an apple-grape salad and a bowl of greek yogurt with almonds in my new bento container every day this week. This is proving to be a good combination of food to keep me full and moderately happy until lunch.
3. HabitRPG is doing a pretty good job of keeping me on task. I use it mostly for my at-home to-do list instead of integrating it with my work list. That would be crazy talk.
4. I look like me today. Yes, it's colorful and more than a little eccentric, but I'm okay with that.
5. My new tattoo is healing nicely. It's in the dry and scabby stage, not yet to the itchy stage. I know the itchies are coming, but that's just a part of the healing process. Also, it's in a really good spot for hiding around people who don't appreciate ink. This was a good decision and a good use of my "money I made doing henna" stash. I figure if I save that cash and turn it into more body art, that's a good tradeoff.
6. Emi is super smart. Ox is cute and a snuggle bug.
7. Ox is learning more sounds! Emi is starting to read and write actual words other than her name. Sure her first written-by-herself word was "No", but that's still awesome.
8. Just because I can't be all the things all the time doesn't mean that I'm a terrible person. It means that I'm a person. Perfection is a myth - one that got sold to me at an early age and reinforced over and over - and I don't need to try to be perfect. (Usually)
9. I'm reading good books. Yay books!
10. I got my Myrtle dress cut out. Now to figure out the bodice origami to make it work. When it's done, I need to find a mustard yellow long sleeve t-shirt to wear under it. That will make it a good fall dress. Yus.
11. Lunch calls. Then 4.5 hours of back-to-back meetings. Ick. But lunch will be good. And I have a salad and tasty protein snacks in my office in case I can't get lunch before my noon meeting.

Focus on the positive. Keep breathing. Punt the jerkbrain with the boot of logic and reason. Not my monkeys, not my circus. Eye of the tiger. I got this.

I feel like life is spiraling out of control. I know I need to give up some of my perfectionist tendencies - it's not helpful and just hurts me and my kids - but I can't yet.

I'm reading more and trying to remember to do things that are fun and relaxing. I'm trying to remember to be gentle with myself. Self-compassion and knowing that just because I messed up, I'm not a terrible person. I just need to learn and grow and not make the same mistake again.

Good things. Not bad things.

The den is still reasonably clean. I think this is the first time it's gone an entire week and not been a disaster area by the end. The TV room was actually reasonably clean, too. The kids' rooms are a mess, as is the kitchen. I did something like 7 loads of clothes over the weekend, and actually got it all folded and put away before bed yesterday. That's a small miracle.

Ox has FIVE WORDS! "Uh-unh" (No), "Bubbles", "Oops", "Red", "Thx" (thanks). I'm pretty sure he also is trying to say "Yellow", but it's tricky.

My left wrist is better today than yesterday. I wore my brace for most of the day because it was really hurting. I think it started to twinge after I told teacher M that I'd like to zil for Newer Dancer Night in 2 weeks. Not sure what I was thinking, but okay.

I have my Muppet stuff for dance again. I regret nothing.

I got a haircut on Saturday. It's way more layers than I expected, but cute. I can see under my bangs again, which is always a very good thing.

The time change has messed up all of us. My phone (aka, my alarm clock) was fine when I went to bed, but lapsed back an hour by this morning. Apparently, it thought I was both in Denver and in need of more sleep. I got to work late, but didn't miss anything.

I can rehenna my hand this afternoon. And apply some springy nail polish. This will help me feel pretty and more like myself.

I have Wonder Woman, 2 Minions, and a Devil Girl on my desk. They all offer various suggestions when I'm on a belligerent call where customers are insisting that I tell them best practices for an area not my own. They don't want to ask the right person! That's just crazy talk, apparently.

The audio book for The Night Circus is just as magical and even more heart-wrenching than the book. I'm having to take it slower than I read it, which is letting me enjoy the words and feel the environment more. I'm an hour and a half from the end and Marco and Celia are about to ask a question. Cool stuff.

I have Aleve and really good chocolate in my desk drawer. I can take a walk and get some lunch. I have new pictures of the kids to put around my desk and office. I have dance class tonight. I've been drinking too much lately, but it's let me try some really good beer and cider. I started wearing my fitbit again and tracking on habitrpg. The world would not be a better place were I not in it. I can keep taking my meds and keep taking the little steps every day to move forward with life.

Hungry and headachy means I'm sad and grumpy. Let's go fix both those things.