sabine: (Default)
Jerkbrain is trying to tell me that I'm fat, lazy, useless, and awful. Logicbrain and Headspace brain are fighting back.

Lazy?
I was in Florida for work from the 14th to the 18th. I then had to cram the rest of my customer work into Thursday and Friday, since I'm out all this week, too (work, then recovery). Over the weekend, I did yard and house work, made rhubarb jam, and did science experiments with the kids on Saturday. On Sunday I did a metric ton of laundry, hemmed a bunch of things*, cut out a new dress (another Megan romper, but a dress), and took my family to the movies.** We got the kids signed up for their summer programs. I also packed because work trip today.

Also, I not only got my steps in on both weekend days, but used the exercise bike while doing my Spanish. So there.

Fat?
Yes, I'm chubby. I like ice cream. I've also had two babies and work crazy hours. I'm getting healthier and am trying to make better choices. I need to be a good example for my kiddos, but not preach to them (like my mom did me). It helps that I know how to make clothes that fit my body as it is now, which makes me feel pretty.

Useless?
Um, HELLO?! While in Florida last week, I may have told a sysadmin that I didn't care if it was hard to fix, he just needed to do it. I also pulled together the things we'd need on the database side to fix it. And wrangled the other vendor into helping. All with a smile on my face. This week is going to be mostly answering questions and keeping everyone on task. And going to a baseball game with my team. Go Cardinals!! Woo!

Also, I got all the laundry done, folded, and sorted. I didn't get it all put away because the kids were already in bed, but I got it done.

Also, I need to pay UW for my summer classes. This is the first time in my college career that I've actually had to pay, so it feels a little weird.*** I'll get most of it reimbursed at the end of the summer, but it's a good chunk of cash up front. It'll be worth it, though.

Awful?
Nah. I could be a better person, but so could everyone else. I've just finished the Change pack on Headspace and it was SUPER helpful. Very, very good tools. I'll do that one again later. Now I'm onto Pro Pack Two, then Creativity. I'm working my way through Duolingo Spanish and am getting exercise while doing it. My hamstrings are terribly mad at me, but they'll get over it.

My kids are generally happy and healthy. I spend time with them and am actively trying to not warp them in the same ways I'm warped. All new mistakes = my goal.


-----
* - Capri leggings with attached skirt for Emi, T-shirt for Alex, Ruffle skirt for Emi, Cut-off shorts for Emi (huge hole in knee = cutoffs), Cut-off shorts for me (too-short pants = cutoffs). I have skillz.

** - I was originally going to take Emi to see the new Jungle Book, but decided to take all of us. Alex did okay, but got squirrelly toward the end. He's four. It's to be expected.

*** - Community college in HS was covered by the school (I ran out of classes to take). Undergrad was covered by a full-ride academic scholarship (I r smrt). Grad school was covered by lab work. Yes, I know how lucky I've been. I also worked my butt off for most of it, but I'm still very, very lucky.
sabine: (Default)
Friday - Get my badge thing and maybe go to the "My First Costume Con" panel at noon. Normal clothes. Skip the Friday night event because it's the same evening as Emi's first ballet recital and that's way more important to me.

Saturday - During the day, Cheshire Cat at panels. Evening thing, ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD.

Sunday - Carmen Sandiego or Queen of Hearts. Maybe go to the Sunday night thing. Not sure.

Monday - Skip entirely. Hide at home.


Things I need to do/purchase:
 - Arda Wigs - Cheshire wig and a white wig that can become either glow cloud or March Hare
 - We Love Colors - White, black, and hot pink tights
 - Amazon - White Glowbys
 - Etsy - Cheshire ears/tail
 - Zenni - Cheshire glasses, maybe
 - Basement - Finish Cheshire and Queen dresses. Fix LED pockets on Glow Cloud wrap
 - Kitchen - Make Queen fascinator/crown.

This is all achievable. I think. Probably. It's not fancy and it's not prize-winning, but it'll be comfortable and fun. And will mostly have pockets. Not so much on the Glow Cloud, though. Hm.
sabine: (Default)
Jerkbrain is being loud. To drown it out, I feel the need to list my accomplishments from the weekend.

In no particular order:
  • Got to go to Med Hookah with Downwood. Got to sit with lots and lots of friends. The conversation was good, the service was INCREDIBLY SLOW, the dancing was good. Like, we got there at 7:30 and got drinks. We didn't get drink refills until 8:30 and didn't get our food until after 9. No bueno.
  • For going to Med Hookah, I dressed up. I did full makeup, including getting to use my new eye shadows from Espionage Cosmetics (https://espionagecosmetics.com/makeup/the-browncoats-collection.html). I also pulled out a somewhat springtime dress covered in bright sunflowers with a reasonably trendy neckline (https://www.colettepatterns.com/catalog/myrtle).
  • I decided I didn't like any of my other spring dresses and made a new dress for Easter. I found several yards of a floral print on what I think is a scuba knit. It's a minty teal with white flowers. I'm guessing it was from Girl Charlee, but I don't actually remember. I made yet another adjustment to my favorite dress pattern (https://www.colettepatterns.com/catalog/moneta) and had a custom fit, very pretty dress for Easter.
  • I got to go to Easter Brunch with Downwood, kids, and MiL. Emi ate ALL THE SHRIMP. Alex ate the snacks that we packed. We didn't want to risk cross contamination with other foods for him. I drank mimosas and ate probably too much. I didn't need dinner later. It was delicious and fun. The kids are generally very well behaved in restaurants, which helps make outings like that enjoyable.
  • I made muslins of both my new M4M patterns. I finally figured out the shoulder fitting issues I was running into with the shirt (http://www.madeformermaids.com/product/mamamya/). I also got lucky with my test run of the dress (http://www.madeformermaids.com/product/meganpattern/). I made a peplum top, since I didn't want to commit the fabric required for a dress. Downwood loves it.
  • I did lots of laundry. Three loads on Saturday and five on Sunday. I am very glad that we have an HE washer and dryer.
  • I read a little bit, including finishing Seanan McGuire's new book. I am torn. While the book got disjointed in the last 1/4, it was an accurate reflection of the inner turmoil of the 1st person narrator. I still enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to the next book with our third and final narrator.
  • My MiL liked her birthday presents. I made her a cardigan. I also found a set of fancy dishes on Zulily. She has had fancy Christmas dishes and now she has some fancy summer plates and mugs. Covered in flowers, yo. COVERED in flowers. Very much her style.
  • I finished up the Happiness pack on Headspace and have started on the Stress pack. Stress seems to be yet another visualization pack, using the same imagery as Balance and Self-Esteem. It's good, though. I need the practice.
  • Emi and I continued to crush our 30 Day Plank Challenge.

See, jerkbrain?! See?! I did a lot of things and did them well! Nothing to be ashamed of! NOTHING!
sabine: (Default)
I'm wearing leggings today that I made. I finished them on Saturday, along with a mostly matching pair for Emi and cardigans for my Mom and MiL. The cardigan for my MiL was going to be for me, but is ever so slightly too small across my shoulders. Pity. The cardigan for my Mom has the best stripe matching that I've ever done. My leggings have unintentional nearly perfect pattern matching around my knees. The width of the pattern on the fabric just happens to match the circumference of my knees, apparently.

I was able to catch up at dance last night. The new choreo is Greek and very fast, but folk-ish, so mostly footwork. Years and years of marching band have given me a good brain for footwork. Mostly.

Everyone seems to be mostly well. I'm still rattly through my chest, but don't feel nearly so wiped out with this cold as I did over the weekend. It was a good thing that I didn't have to do anything or leave the house. Ugh. Alex is back to normal. The nebulizer is amazing and I'm very glad we have it.

I think I have two shirt patterns altered to mostly fit. I need to add length - I am NOT 5'5" - but I graded between sizes and the shirts seem to fit well. I still need to hem both shirts (boo) but they look nice as proofs of concept. For those playing along at home with the PDF patterns, it's the P4P Slim-Fit Raglan and the M4M Mama Mya. Next on the block of "Patterns I want to make fit me" is the M4M wrap dress. It's adorable, but I'm worried about making it right. If all continues to go well, I'll be able to take some of my cheap, shapeless tunics and remake them into cheap, well-fitting tunics. Fingers crossed.

I have PLANS for more sewing projects. The Werk Giant Conference of DOOOM's theme is Wonderland, so I plan to take full advantage. I have a steampunk-ish Queen of Hearts outfit planned and have sourced decent jersey for the making of Queen and Cheshire Moneta dresses. And leggings. And maybe tunics. I care not if I get to do official work cosplay. I'll make these anyway just because I can. I might actually have something new for the costume convention. That'd be spiffy.

I've had a hard time lately being interested in books. That's okay. My worth as a person isn't determined by how many pages I read. Yes, even if it's a book I've been looking forward to.

If I meditate tonight (which of course I will), I'll complete one of my resolutions. I will have gotten a streak of 100 days on Headspace. I think this has made me a better person. I'm nearly certain it's made me more balanced. It's absolutely given me tools to let me just enjoy and experience life instead of always regretting or anticipating.

I get to see my sister this weekend. We're going out for sister time. No husbands, no kids. Just us. And the soundtrack to Hamilton. I'm inflicting it on her. She'll curse me because she'll be forced to purchase a copy. Mwahaha.

I really don't want to finish my work day today. I want to go home and sleep. I am very, very tired. It's Tuesday. This correlation is strong for a reason. That reason is Monday nights are late.

Things are okay. I am not a failure. My jerkbrain is wrong.
sabine: (Default)
I have a haircut tonight. My hair will be shorter. Probably hacking it off to my shoulders, maybe a bit shorter. Need a change on this front.

I'm thinking of getting this pattern for girl dresses (https://www.youcanmakethis.com/products/girls-piko-top-newborn-18-tween) and making it with either this fabric (http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/1663167) or this fabric (http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/3662809) or this one (http://www.spoonflower.com/fabric/1662132) as the skirt and a solid as the top. Then, probably, make a sparkly cape that can be added, if Emi feels like being a full Snow Queen in Summer.

Started sketching ideas for a steampunk jetpack in a meeting yesterday. Also sketched an airship engineer-type outfit. Too many irons in fire? NEVAR!

I'm SOOO close to finishing up a couple of cute t-shirts for Ox from some of my KnitFix fabric. All I have left is the neck-binding. They're v-neck shirts. I should maybe have done this step earlier so that if I totally screw it up, I won't be as sad. But I'm pretty sure I can handle it. Pretty sure. After they're done, Emi wants me to make her another shirt or something. So that's easy.

We're driving to down-state IL tomorrow morning and coming back Sunday afternoon. Emi's beside herself with joy. Ox has a cold and was all snotted up last night and kind of miserable. So we'll see how that goes. Things I must remember to pack: MiL's bday present, FiL's xmas present, MiL's GS cookies, FiL's GS cookies.

My TL helped me jettison my Worst Customer onto someone else. Now I have a couple extra hours a week that I used to use in Dire Frustration And Wanting To Throw Things. Now, I get to use it to do some of the stuff I love. So he told me to just go forth and do the things I love and to also think about how I can get more of what I love into my daily job and what else we'd have to change in order to make that happen. He actually wants me to be happy at work. HAPPY?! What a concept!

When I get home, I will have some comic books waiting for me. And a new silicone muffin tin. And a pound of raw cocoa butter. And some new oils. The homemade lotion route seems to be going well for the kidz and there was a sale.

And now, I go to get tasty Indian food for lunch. Because it's there and I'm hungry. Later, I have time to do work (gasp!) and will put on new nail wraps (Literary, from the first Nailed It KS). I'm wearing my Glitter is the New Black shirt. Things do not totally suck, no matter what my jerkbrain says.
sabine: (Default)
I'm not getting sick. Really. No time for it. I take lots of vitamins, drink lots of water, and am actually getting almost enough rest. Not getting sick, Nope.

But...my head's stuffy, my eyes are scratchy, I'm sneezing, and my upper chest feels like something may be going wrong. Bleah.

If I could get off the phone, I could go get some tea. That would help on a number of levels - hot, caffeine, break from sitting at my desk.

------------

Anyway, work has rapidly returned to normal. I came in on Friday and mostly cleaned up email, dealt with some minor crises, helped out a terrified new TS, and left far later than I wanted.

Today I came in, got breakfast, and immediately got slammed by people demanding I do things for them. One was from a group that I loathe because they don't. even. TRY. Another was a group that just doesn't plan well and so everything is OMG NOW. The last is from a group who try a lot of things, but we're dealing with another vendor and I don't/can't know that vendor's setup and so I feel a little useless. Bleah.

With luck, the updates I made to my Enormous Dev Project will be enough to get this puppy moved to the next stage of testing. I came back from vacation to a pile of notes from the dev lead who's reviewing it. I had to give myself a pep talk about halfway through the list. It was along the lines of "You're not a terrible person because he found flaws in your work. He never, ever says that this doesn't work and it's awful. These are all comments that make the code more elegant, the error messages more informative, and the usability more smooth. You're awesome for creating this thing from scratch and he's helping you add polish to something that's already pretty darn shiny". Take that, jerkbrain!

------------

It was a usual weekend. We're all VERY VERY EXCITED that Emi goes back to school today. She was going stir-crazy and driving the rest of us nuts, too.

Highlights of the weekend include, but are not limited to:
  • Discovering that our favorite Chinese buffet is "Closed for remodeling". Again. Please, please don't let them be under new management and changing the menu. They just remodeled and got new, MUCH better food. Please, don't let this be a sign that things are going downhill again.
  • Having lunch with friends at Applebees instead. Yum.
  • Shopping at JoAnn's with Emi. We bought a whole bunch of fabric to make her a quilt. It's going to be a rag-style quilt, so I don't have to deal with backing and binding. I just need to cut the squares and get my walking foot put back on.
  • In GW2, we finished the main story arc for our main characters. Of course, this encourages me to work through the story on my alt characters because the reward loot is just that good.
  • Mt St Laundry was CONQUERED. Mt Dishes Doom was not. Win some, lose some.
  • The kids went out and played in the snow for almost an hour yesterday. They only came in when they were so caked with snow that they couldn't play any more. They both slept well last night, I think these are related.
  • Finally broke down and took off my xmas shellac manicure. It took forever and I still have little flecks of base coat and red. I also cut my nails way, way back to hopefully prevent the breakage from my newly weakened nails. I love the shellac for the holidays because it stays nice for so long, but it takes a while for my nails to recover.
  • Sleepy morning snuggles with Emi. Ox does sleepy morning acrobatics. He's not sleepy and wants the rest of us to not be sleepy and get out of bed and PLAY.
  • Potty training continues. Ox is stubborn. So am I. I need to buy Skittles. Maybe a better bribe will help.

ugh today

Sep. 27th, 2014 04:54 pm
sabine: (Default)
 So far, everything I've tried to do well today has failed.

I tried to sleep in. Total fail.

I tried to read my book. Fail. The protagonist just got herself into a situation that's going to be awful. I don't want to read that.



I tried to go do henna. Fail. No one would stop to let me draw on them. It was hot and the spot they put me in had zero shade. I don't do well in zero shade. Since I made a total of $5 on the first 2.5 hours, they let me go. 

I tried to rethread my serger with black so that I can get some costuming stuff done. My lower looper won't stay threaded. I lost track of the number of times I threaded, unthreaded, and tried again.

Emi refuses to do anything by herself. She's allergic to it, apparently. Ox is getting in trouble over and over. It's like he's three or something.

A Zulily box arrived with a shirt I ordered a couple weeks ago. It fits. Sort of. If I gain 20 more pounds it'll still fit. It's more of a "tent" than a "shirt". At least the color is nice.

And now I'm afraid to pick up anything else to work on. I need to sew buttons and boas onto my belt and thread elastic through my new glitterdot skirtsicle. I'm scared to try, since something's going to go horribly wrong.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe today is just bad. But it's really getting me down and my brain extrapolates that this is the way things are going to be forever and ever, so there's no point in trying.

There's a concert up at the FLGS tonight. I should go, since I like the duo. But I'd have to go by myself and I'm not feeling strong.

I know it'll get better. The henna that I actually got to do looked nice. Someday - maybe tomorrow - I'll be able to thread the damn serger. I've done it before and I can do it again. Tomorrow morning is troupe meeting. That will be nice and silly. Tomorrow afternoon Emi's having some school friends over to celebrate her birthday. We'll have popcorn, cupcakes, sno cones, face painting, and kids running around back for an hour or so. It'll be okay. I just am every kind of not okay right now.
sabine: (Default)
Lots of laundry done and a couple more loads to finish today.

All the errands and shopping finished yesterday.

Emi off to her first day of Kindergarten. Fed, brushed hair, lunch packed, and backpack set.

Most of the supplies for a muppet belt found. Need to buy the boas, but that's upcoming.

Ox picked out his Halloween costume. I bought the fabric. Now to cut the pattern, cut the fabric and serge it all together. Silver lamé is involved. Ugh.

Kitchen mostly clean. Lunch bento boxes sorted into Emi and Momma bins. New bento boxes purchased to make up deficits.

Ox helped wash dishes this morning. He was thrilled to get to play in warm water, bubbles, and not be told No. He thought it was pretty darn awesome.

Still very dizzy. I'm on the last taper of the Sertraline and it's kicking my butt. Dizzy is no good.

TWO credit cards totally paid off! One more to go! I cashed in some of my bonus stock thingies at werk to accomplish this, but am proud anyway. I may cash in more to make a bigger dent on the one to go and fill up the savings account for Germany trip.

Tummy is upset with me. Maybe too much dairy? Maybe too much worry?

Not beating myself up over forgetting to pre-order "The Winter Long". I can finish "Ancillary Justice" and some other books while I wait for it to show up. It's okay.

Snuggles with kiddos. Ox is obsessed with a book of rhymes about babies. Also, my phone is the coolest toy in the house. Naturally.

Still struggling with jerkbrain and depression. Still trying to fight back against the lies. So I'm listing out the things that have gone well.

And so it goes.
sabine: (Default)
I have a new nervous habit. When I'm trying to not freak out and out myself as being as generally depressed and anxious as I am, I play with my new necklace. I bought it from The Bloggess's shop. It simply says "Depression LIES". Emi wanted to know what it meant and I just couldn't explain. I had to break out the dreaded "I'll explain when you're older". I know that's a cop-out, but she's not old enough to understand.

----------

Work cafeteria had honey-Sriracha-glazed grilled chicken. It's spicy, sweet, and good (though a bit dry). I braved the super-warm rain to fetch it and am not sad.

----------

No one on this phone call is being the voice of reason. That's a problem. I'm too busy eating lunch and not familiar enough with the arguments to be that voice. This is troubling and could go really, really wrong. Also, "irrespective" is not a word. Jerk.

---------

Tensions are mounting at home. I'm waking Emi up in the morning far earlier than she wants to get up. She'll have to be up, fed, and dressed pretty early when school starts and I don't want those first days to be absolutely terrible. Daddy and Ox will also have to be getting up earlier, since I'm reasonably sure that they'll be walking Emi to and from the bus stop for at least a couple of days. I'm having to be the morning person of the group, which is not exactly a natural role for me, but it's a Momma role.

----------

I'm really enjoying the Jane Jameson series by Molly Harper. They're fun, the heroine is flawed in many of the same ways I am, and there are many interesting characters in the cast. Not high class literature, but fun.

----------

I'm excited for Odd Video Night next week. I'm bringing some shinies to unload and my henna kit. Yes. This will be a good thing.

---------

I'm not a failure or a terrible person. I'm doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I don't get to fold, so I'll just keep going. There are good, brilliant things and some pretty awful things. The world would NOT be a better place with me not in it. Emi would never, ever understand. That has to be good enough for right now.
sabine: (Default)
It's okay to buy fabric. Yes, it's a little spendy, but it's fabric for three dresses and a top. I'll get all the fabric for the price of one of the dresses from eShakti. Also, I love making dresses. So nyah, jerkbrain.

I'm doing a good job. My TL asked my customers for feedback and got back UNANIMOUS high praise. Every. Single. Customer rated my service as 4 of 4 stars and I got glowing, gushing reviews. My TL is happy with me. He also LISTENED when I told him where I wanted to go in the next year or so and he's going to do what he can to help me get there. So double nyah, jerkbrain.

I'm going to get a new medication this afternoon. So long to the med that's making my anxiety and depression a little less, but has also caused MAJOR weight gain, continual exhaustion, and completely shut off my libido. The new med (yet tbd) will likely have other side effects. It's a balancing act of figuring out what side effects I can live with. Also, I'll get a refill of Xanax, which is a lovely anti-anxiety security blanked. Neener neener, jerkbrain.

I'm using my Google-fu and eBay skillz for evil. For fluffy, fluffy evil. I regret nothing. The jerkbrain has nothing to say about this. I think it's overwhelmed by the fluffy feathers. This gives me ideas for dealing with the jerkbrain in the future. The jerkbrain runs away from MUPPETOSITY. Sweet.

Weekend

Jul. 14th, 2014 09:16 am
sabine: (Default)
Friday - Left work right on time and came home. I'd thought about leaving a little early to go to JoAnn's for a new double needle, but decided to just come home.

I came home and pulled the kids outside to play with the neighbors. I talked with the neighbor mom and the kids drew chalk all over the driveway. Downwood was in a terrible mood, so I figured it was best to get us all out of his hair.

The results of my henna experiment are conclusive - the spray gel works REALLY WELL as a henna extender if applied when the henna is more dry than not. It re-moistens it, which lets it stain more. It also holds it on the skin longer - it's actually kind of difficult to chip off. This also lets the stain be longer. I like it and I'm going to continue using it.

Saturday - Tried and failed to sleep in. Both kids came in for snuggles and stealing of Mom's phone. Got up, dinked around online, then went and got my hair cut. I love my stylist. She is amazing and wonderful.

Came home and refreshed my knowledge of the Scion campaign I'm running. I decided that it was time that we should put the Rock back in Ragnarok. So far, it's going reasonably well. The players were understandably distraught when they saw that the cover of the book really is Ragnarok, but they recovered nicely. We had to do some serious recap to remember where we'd left off the last time we played (May), but we had pizza, friends, and dice. So that was all lovely and good.

In the evening, Emi and I worked downstairs. I rethreaded my serger and pulled one of my Project Bins out of the cabinet. This one had "Things to sew when you finally switch the serger to white thread". I hemmed a pile of handkerchiefs (squares of linen and cotton, found in my Great Stash Organizing), mended a rip in one of Downwood's pajama pants, and zipped together new dresses for the girls. Emi helped by clipping the threads from the handkerchiefs and putting them in the washer.

Also laundry, because Emi wanted her favorite clothes clean.

Sunday - Slept in a little bit. Got tackled by Ox, who wanted snuggles, a dry diaper, and my phone. Not really sure if the order of those things mattered to him.

After Emi woke up, we had some breakfast and then got her bags packed. She helped pick out her clothes for her suitcase, the books for her backpack, and the bedtime stuffies/blankies for her bedtime bin. Then Downwood got the car ready and he and Emi took off for Illinois.

Ox was distraught. He went and put his shoes on and went back to the garage. So I put him in the car and we went to JoAnn's for fabric and needles. Then we went to the FLGS for dice and the new D&D Starter Set. Then to McD's for french fries.

After we got home, I did more laundry and played some GW2. Then the rest of the day was for doing dishes, finishing laundry, watching cartoons, reading rules, washing dishes, and entertaining little dude. We got to Skype with Emi, Daddy, and Grandma, after which Ox had another meltdown when he realized it was just pictures on the computer. So we had to call back to have them reassure him everything would be fine.

I made dinner for us. As we finished eating, Downwood came home. When he came inside, Ox had a FULL BODY MELTDOWN when he realized Emi wasn't with him. Ox went to get his shoes and tried to pull me to to door with the expression of "Mom. Dad forgot Emi. We need to go rescue her". Little dude wasn't being reassured AT ALL that Emi was fine, was with Grandma, and we were here, and everything's okay.

As a distraction, I went downstairs and grabbed the Lego kit I'd picked up for his birthday present. Downwood sat with him and helped him build the construction machine. Ox calmed down eventually. While the boys worked on the lego, I went down and sewed together some of the fabric Ox and I picked up. Ox now has a Thomas pillow on his bed. Emi has a Spiderman pillow with glow in the dark webs.

Then it was time for bath and bed for little dude.

We called Grandma to see if Emi was settling in okay. Emi. Was. FINE. In fact, she was so fine that she was bouncing and shrieking "BUBBLES! BUBBLES! BUBBLES!" when we asked what they'd done. Apparently, bubbles were involved. And riding her tricycle. And reading books. And having dinner. And everything else.

I have two VERY different kids. It is becoming more and more apparent. :) This is kind of cool.

Today - I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I'm very tired and grumpy and the jerkbrain is loud. I miss my Emi. Ox was still totally snoozy this morning when I left. I went in and told him good morning anyway, since I do that for Emi when she's still sleeping when I leave.

I'm angry at myself for not being more productive with my time. I'm saying bad things to myself for not knowing when we're going to get to Faire this year. I'm calling myself names because of money management issues. I put on clothes and think things are okay and then I look in the mirror and can only think cruel things.

But I made it to work. I have tea. I have a coworker who commiserated with me on the fate of a character in a story we both love. I have Jane Austen on my Kindle. I finished my audiobook ("How the White Trash Zombie Got Her Groove Back" - 4 stars), so I can download a new one.

I have henna and nail polish remover. I finished my Mensa daily puzzle easily. I will get tasty lunch. I can maybe try to leave right on time and swing through JoAnn's for fabric Downwood requested (he's jealous of the kiddos' new pillows). There's dance tonight. I can make a post with all my sewing projects and ideas. I have a new episode of KUEC for tonight.

It's going to be okay.

sabine: (Default)
Things my body can do/is:
  • I can walk and read at the same time. This is good, as it let me take the long way from my car to my office this morning and giggle the whole time to "Nosferatu, Brutus?" by Scott Sigler (available in the collection "HELP FUND MY ROBOT ARMY!!! and Other Improbable Crowdfunding Projects" https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21243282-help-fund-my-robot-army-other-improbable-crowdfunding-projects)
  • I have good hair most days. It takes dye well and sparkles in the sun. Not like vampire sparkles, but the same way good red wine sparkles like the ocean. Yes, my hair is Homeric. Deal.
  • I have nice legs and buns. All hail dance!
  • I can learn things. I've gotten good at many things - painting minis, doing henna, sewing.
  •  
  •  
  • I'm...out of ideas. My goal was to find 5 things I like about my body and couldn't. Maybe tomorrow.
Also, werk is eating my brain. I have some very difficult customers who are difficult. I also have tons of OMG!HIGH PRIORITY!DO THIS NAO!11!!one! emails coming in. I don't have enough patience today to handle this with grace.

But I'll be vending henna during SitG. I have to pay a tiny bit to have the space (in fairness to other vendors), but I'll be there.

It's not all bad. I have my favorite red nail polish (China Glaze's Ruby Pumps). I have a new podcast to devour (Thrilling Adventure Hour). I have a new tube of henna and a notebook to fill with sketches/designs. I have friends. I have kiddos who give great hugs. I got a little extra exercise this morning by way of the stationary bike and have upped my Fitbit step goal to 6k.



sabine: (Default)
So far today, I have accomplished:
  • Happy Ox snuggles
  • Sleeeeeeepy Emi hugs
  • Pay credit card bills
  • Move paycheck to accounts
  • Thrown money at Eliza Rickman's Kickstarter to fund her new album. She's the first weather feature from WtNV that I said "I need this" after hearing her. I love her album and want more.
  • Listened to Part 2 of the anniversary WtNV show. CECIL AND CARLOS 4EVER!
  • Had a coffee as big as my head
  • Signed up for the Holy Taco Church newsletter
  • Asked Girl Charlee if their stretch knits are layerable or standalone. I kind of dig this one. http://www.girlcharlee.com/light-mocha-rose-matte-stretch-lace-knit-fabric-p-9961.html?cPath=132
  • Drooled over Ponte Roma knits on etsy. I think I need a peacock blue skirt. https://www.etsy.com/listing/168857890/peacock-heavy-ponte-roma-fabric-by-the?ref=listing-17  Since it only comes in yard increments, if I get 2 yards, that'll be enough for a solid peacock skirt with enough left over to do color blocking with black on a second skirt. Plans within plans, y'all.
  • Made my Will save against buying more dresses from eShakti. If I can't be bothered to bring them in to get dry cleaned, I'm obviously not enough of a grownup to have nice things. Also, pencil skirts.
  • Downloaded my Audible preorder of "How the White Trash Zombie Got Her Groove Back."
  • Not gone off the handle at the guy in the office next to mine who's been shouting obscenities at his phone/computer all morning.
  • Done some code review
  • Tried to not beat myself up. I get shorted on sleep on Monday nights and I wasn't feeling too well, either. Looking at my calendar, I could have easily taken the morning as a half sick day just so that I'm not feeling awful later.
  • Haven't yet made up my mind about driving to Iowa this weekend. Pros: see my family. Cons: 10+ hr in the car, being busy busy busy all weekend. Not actually resting. But family! But stress! But family! But oh gods would I rather just say home, maybe go to Faire, and sleep in.

jerkbrain

Jun. 30th, 2014 09:25 am
sabine: (Default)
Because my jerkbrain is running away with me today and because I need to focus on the things that make me happy and because I need to remind myself that I'm CAPABLE and TALENTED and SMART and when I wear clothes that I made, I feel PRETTY and HAPPY, here's a list.

Fabric to buy:
  •  Stretch lace for overlay on side panels of cream Mabel. Nom.
  •  Black and/or patterned Ponte de Roma for less see-through Mabel. Nom nom.
  •  Black silky fabric to make a slip, since I can't find mine and I need one to go under my green Mabel. It's completely adorable and dead sexy, but it's also a bit more see-through than is a good idea. So I need a slip, since I'm not going to go back and try to line this thing.
 
Next up on sewing:
  •  Tape together Moneta, trace.
  •  Cut out Moneta from the fantastic chevron fabric.
  •  Cut out Mabel from cream double knit and stretch lace
  •  Rethread serger with white
  •  SERGE ALL THE THINGS! Namely, the light colored dresses for the girls, the cream Mabel, the chevron Moneta, and any/all of the languishing UFOs on my craft table.
sabine: (Default)
Things continue as they have been. There's no change, either positive or negative, in my mood and self-image. I finished up the 14-day lower body exercise challenge and started the 30-day ab challenge. It's kind of nice to have some accountability, though my eating habits completely sabotage any additional exercises I do during the day.

I didn't do any actual sewing this weekend. I finished pinning in the bodice facing to my black/red dress. I also taped together and traced the Mabel pencil skirt pattern. I packed both the paper pattern of the Mabel and a cute cardigan pattern to bring to dance class tonight. Maybe others will also want to make copies of these.

I did laundry, got my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. I got to soak in aromatherapy and get my toes painted bright red with glitter, per Emi's request. I did a little reading, a little drawing, too much grocery shopping, and played GW2. I didn't garden or go to the pool with my kids.

I took my meds and drank really good beer. I slept in and had some incredibly high anxiety dreams.

I snuggled my kids and watched cartoons with them, but probably not as long as I should have. I didn't play dominoes with Emi and she was crushed. I didn't play trains with Ox, but he seems to have not minded too much.

All of these things glom together in my mind with the predisposition of anxiety and depression. This feeds the jerkbrain and gives it all sorts of ammunition to prove what a waste of space I am.

But it's June. I will pay the bills and go to dance class tonight. I'll read my book, listen to my podcasts (OMG YOU GUYS THE NEW NIGHT VALE I HAVE NO WORDS), and try to ignore the voices in my head.
sabine: (Default)
Man, all I ever write about these days is being depressed, having anxiety, being exhausted, and having kids. What else is there in my life, you may well ask? Not really a whole lot.

Other things:
  • Sewing. I'm making progress on getting through the pile of UFOs on my sewing table. My black/red dress just needs the facing put in and the final seams done. I impulse purchased fabric for a new set of dance pants, and they're just waiting on casings at the ankle and waist to be elasticed. 
  • Also in Sewing, I joined the Collette Sew-Along for the Mabel skirt pattern. I have the pattern printed, though I need to tape it together and trace it. I have fabric and thread, I just need time and motivation.
  • Fitness. I made it to a 1 MINUTE PLANK last night! Woot! I joined a FB group that has daily challenges. It's all leg stuff and teacher M does worse things to us than this trainer, so I feel both smug and sad.
  • Crochet. The belated baby gift is 2/3 done. I have the yarn for my next 3 projects lined up. This is good.
  • Werk. Busy and stressful. Lots of getting yelled at and told to deal with things that shouldn't be my responsibility, but somehow are. Sigh.
  • Books. "Thirteenth Child" was way better than I'd expected. "Skin Game" is on my desk, waiting for me to have time to devour it. I tore through the Mercy Thompson series and am currently listening to the first Sookie Stackhouse book on Audible. The narrator is charming. Emi's currently obsessed with a set of Star Wars books I got her. Ox just likes books with rhymes or wheels.
  • Henna. I continue to do at least one design every day and post it to my FB page. I need to buy a new marker, though, as this one's starting to give out on me.
  • Style. I love my 50's style shirtdresses. They make me feel pretty! I also caved to ModCloth's sale and bought a new swimsuit. It's also 50's style, fits well, and flatters my chubby tummy. I don't feel like a million bucks in it, but I feel at least an order of magnitude more confident in it than in my old swimsuit. Also, as Downwood pointed out, I've had my old suit since before he met me, so it's not like I won't get my money's worth out of this one, even though it's way more expensive than any suit I've ever bought before.
So, yeah. There are things other than the jerkbrain and the kids. But those take up so much of my processing that I don't ever think to talk about the other things that happen. Dunno.

I'm going to go take a half xanax now and try to be productive. I can't be productive and be crying. Those two things don't go together.

Also, no matter what the jerkbrain says, I'm not a failure. I have a good job and a nice house. So I don't spend as much time keeping it clean as I should. So I don't spend as much time making the yard look nice as I should. So I eat junk food and don't cook good food for my family like I should. So I don't save as much money as I should. So I'm not as generous with my time as I should. The operative word in all those things is "should". That's a word that never helps.

What should I be doing? The best I can, being gentle with myself, letting go of "perfect", embracing "good enough", and continue to resist the self-harm impulses. That's both manageable and healthy, so that's what I "should" be doing. It's hard, but good.

sabine: (Default)
I've spent a lot of time at work in the last week where I have a bit of down time and just get overwhelmed and have to fight back tears as I try to decide what to work on next. This makes me even less productive than when I have meetings back to back to back. It also makes me not want to be at work.

I feel better when I put on my headphones and have music, podcasts, or good books, but lately it seems that the best way to get a really annoying phone call is to turn on my music. My phone rings almost immediately. So I don't turn it on, even though it would make me happy, because I'm too anxious about getting pulled away from whatever task I've started.

I need to buy new jeans. I've gotten too chubby for these ones to be comfortable. Because of my height and my weird way of carrying extra weight, jeans don't fit well. Ever. And going shopping for them is a nightmare.  I know that the size on the label is a lie and has nothing to do with my self-worth and that if my clothes actually fit, I look and feel better. I just hate going shopping for jeans. Ugh.

Last night, I went to the spa and had a nice lady rub lavender oil into my scalp, hair, and neck. It was lovely and wonderful and I actually went home on a work night in a relaxed state. While there, I made a silly decision to treat myself to some rich body lotion. I liked the scent and the promise of "shimmer". It's more like "glitter". I didn't see it when putting it on this morning, but...yeah. I'm going back and forth between GLEE and WOE IS ME.

My thumbs and wrists are getting back to normal, so I've been able to start crocheting again. I'm working through my yarn stash, focusing on getting through my cotton yarns by making dishcloths. It's a little bit of luxury and practical. I like being practical. I've also made a rug for Emi's dollhouse and a coaster for my desk out of the scraps at the end of the skeins. As I work through my stash and work through the saved projects on my Pinterest page, I've been moving the projects to a new board: I did this!

Duolingo is still a good thing. I'm getting really confused by the pronouns and the form that I use for different cases or different genders. One of the downsides of this form of learning is that they never say "This goes with this and this is the pattern and this is why". They want you to learn "organically" or some such nonsense. Bah. That's not how my brain works, so I bought a laminated study guide. I need to find the pronoun section and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be learning.

I started a Facebook page for my henna work. I decided that, if I want to build my "brand", I need to keep growing. Since I only have so much skin and so many opportunities to draw on other people, I've started drawing designs in a notebook and posting a new one daily. I draw with a marker without an underlying sketch, since that's how I apply henna. I know I could use an eyeliner or watercolor pencil to sketch on a person before applying henna, but I haven't yet gotten to a point where I want to get that complicated.

I love my kids. They're stinkers sometimes, but they're also sweet.

I'm out of graham crackers at work. This makes me sad, since I still have half a container of Jif Whips Peanut Butter with Chocolate. It's basically frosting. It's so good.

torn

Apr. 3rd, 2014 11:36 am
sabine: (Default)
My jerkbrain says I should never have worn that dress. How unflattering! How bright! How sausage casing! Really, what was I thinking?!

My dancer brain says I should maybe relax my shoulders more, but I'm obviously having fun, relaxed, and am dancing for the audience, not the camera. I'm smiling and happy and not at all showing how freaked out I was to be playing zils in front of my teacher and not doing as good of a job as I wanted. Especially the picture where I'm dancing for my daughter - you can't see her in the frame but I remember exactly where she was and the look on her face and now I can see the look on my face. Wow. Such connection. So pink. Such smiles.

I think I like my dancer brain better than my jerkbrain. That's unsurprising, really.

Me dancing for my daughter: https://www.flickr.com/photos/btricomi/13604791543/
Me smiling at RH and her table: https://www.flickr.com/photos/btricomi/13605135134/
sabine: (Default)
Man, I'm tired. I've been so out of it in the mornings lately that I've been turning off my alarm instead of snoozing and not realizing that the alarm I turned off was the second, not the first. I don't know what's going on with my sleep lately, but I wake up more tired than I went to bed. Coffee is my friend and I can keep moving.

I'm doing a little better on jerkbrain-gremlin maintenance. Not a whole lot better, but a bit. Having a couple of days of warm and sun helps. The headache I've been rocking today isn't helping.

Sigh.

We went to look at a new Kia last night. Downwood wants 4WD, I want to replace the less-than-reliable Jeep with something safe, sturdy, and that can take more than just the 4 of us places. So, like, if we're going to Faire, we can invite a friend or two to ride along without having to squish them in between the two car seats or have them ride in the back of the wagon. I'd had a rough/long work day and wasn't feeling up to dealing with salesmen. Downwood was upbeat and happy at being out with grownups. I was bitchy and having problems keeping both kids entertained in the dealership. I didn't take a turn at driving the car - I just wanted to be home.

No, jerkbrain, that doesn't make me a terrible person. It makes me an overworked, overtired human being who has no patience for sales tactics.

I took Ox straight home from the dealership. I got him in the tub. Right after Downwood and Emi got back, I got him out of the tub and into PJs. He's started wanting me to read him books before bed. This makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY. But then Daddy has to be the one who tucks him in and turns off the light. If Momma tries, he gets out of bed and goes to get Daddy.

Emi got to stay up later than usual. She and Daddy went to the Friendly Local Game Store, where she got to pick out her Very First Dice Set. They're clear red plastic, in their own container, and they're totally hers. She's SO PROUD. She apparently told Daddy and the store clerk that she needed more dice in more colors and she also needed a dice bag. So I have a task on my To Dos for the weekend to go downstairs and make her a dice bag.

I can focus on good things. I can keep going. I have no plans for this weekend (that I know of), so I might get some sewing done. I can pick out some music for next Thursday. I can gather up henna supplies for bdvideo night at RH's. I can hug my kids and move more books into Ox's room so we have choices for bedtime.

Coffee is my friend and keeps me going. I just need to not push myself so hard and punish myself so hard. That's not helping me be a better person, it just makes things suck.

I am human

Mar. 11th, 2014 09:22 am
sabine: (Default)
It's okay to have bad days. It's okay to wake up grumpy. Everyone wakes up grumpy and has bad days. Ox is my Morning Person kid. He's so darn happy to see another day. Today, he wasn't done on both sides and was grumpy and wanted both snuggles and to be left alone. At the same time. It's okay to have bad days, it's part of being human.

It's okay that I'm not as graceful as Au, as precise as GPS, as knowledgeable as RH, or as emotive as N. I'm me. I have my own dance voice and my own set of skills and there are things that I do well and things that I do not so well. It doesn't make anyone better or worse. Just human. Just different. It's okay.

My jerkbrain isn't right. Messing up on one thing doesn't mean that I'm a failure as a person. It means I'm human and I make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, especially when they're learning new things. That's fine. That's what learning and being human is about. My jerkbrain isn't right.

I am flawed. I am not perfect. I do not have to conform to the extremely narrow definition of beauty and success the media celebrates. It's okay. It's okay to play and read with my kids. It's okay to take some time for me. It's okay to cry and be angry. It's okay to mess up. It's okay to apologize. It's okay to try to be more and grow. It's okay.

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sabine

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