cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Thursday - Med check at noon. I took a half sick day after it and just went home. I was headachy, but mostly just needed the mental health break.

Parent-teacher conferences went well. Both kids' teachers are happy with them. Alex, in particular, is so far beyond where he was last year, that his teachers are overjoyed.

Friday - Dressed up for Formal Friday in a vaguely western/steampunkish ensemble. I was happy with it. Came home and collapsed. We thought Emi had Girl Scouts, but our Google calendar tricked us. That was all to the good, as she didn't end up eating much dinner and probably would have been ultra-cranky at the end of it.

Saturday - Alex's cold kicked into high gear. Emi melted down about going to tap, but had a good time once we got her out of the house. I worked on work issues (upgrade happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning), CS homework, cleaning the kitchen, and sewing. I've made a good start on Hogswatch presents.

Emi and I made a tuna-noodle casserole that both tasted good and was safe for EVERYONE to eat. Alex had a couple noodles, but then asked for plain noodles. It was too weird to have all the things mixed up like that, but he tried it. So it was a win.

I ended up going to bed at halftime of the UW game. I am tired and need sleep.

Sunday - Homeboy was pretty miserable. Emi had been begging and begging, so we finally took our fall trip to the apple orchard. The walk from the entrance to the trees exacerbated Alex's asthma and he was totally miserable. Emi and I picked some apples and we were off. Fastest orchard visit ever. Still, we got some good apples, some fresh apple cider, and Emi got to go into their food area and buy some cider all on her own (Alex didn't want to go in, just wanted me to hold him, so Emi stepped up and was awesome).

I got all my laundry done and most of my homework. I still have a couple of bugs to work out of the homework and it's due tomorrow, so I'll be doing that instead of anything fun tonight. I got some sewing done and some more cleaning done. Alex just wanted to lay on top of Mom, so my productivity took a major hit. Still, I got enough done that I didn't beat myself up about it at the end of the day.

Today - zomg. Everything is on fire and full of bees. People across the country are panicking at me. I'm still kind of in a mode of  "Behold the fields in which I grow my fucks. Seest thou that they are barren?". My Calming Voice is getting a workout today. I haven't rolled a 1 on anything yet and my aura of "Magic of Tech Support" has already given me a couple of free saving throws.

Also, I'm tired. Alex isn't sleeping well, so neither are Downwood and I. Ugh.  But I'm wearing my new Nyx "soft matte lip cream" in Monte Carlo. It's a lovely bright red, though the matte texture is taking a little getting used to.

Our Culinary teams close shop from 7-10 days before the Giant Werk Conference of Doooom to a couple days after. We do all the catering ourselves, so it's an enormous job. They feed ~20k people two or three meals a day, which takes a bit of time to prep.

They're back today. This is cause for celebration. I was really dragging after my first couple of phone calls, so I walked over to the nearest cafe for something hot to drink.

Their new special? Pumpkin Spice Latte.

It's officially fall. I haz a happy.

This has been a rather exhausting week. I'm coming down with a cold and by the end of the day, my voice is completely shot. This is not good for someone who spends most of her day on the phone.

Still, the getting up early and staying rather late have been worth it. Even now, as I sit in my office looking like I've made some rather regrettable personal grooming choices (crazy hair and "interesting" eyeshadow), I can still bask in the glory that has been the last few days.

It's not hard now for me to pull on the character of the Queen of Hearts. I play her as someone a bit more stable and a bit more considerate than Carroll or Disney would assume. I appreciate my King and am gracious and non-threatening to my guests. I am unafraid of grabbing random employees and dragging them into our interactions, but have threatened several co-workers with executions when they dared to address me by name.

So much fun. And so exhausting.

As the Queen, I will begin a conversation and interaction with any passer-by who makes eye contact. Eye contact and I start addressing you. I have conversations at VOLUME with the King or any of the other cast members who happen to be nearby. We sometimes have quiet, OOC conversations, too, but most of those are reserved for when we are truly backstage and out of the view of others.

It's hard for me to shed the character of the Queen. I talk more loudly than I should. I'm more forward in my statements - which are really turning into proclamations at times. It's a bit freeing and more than a little worrying. But it's also a huge amount of fun and I will be very, very sorry when I have to hang up the character after tomorrow's lunch. I won't have another chance to be the Queen until maybe the Costume convention next spring. I will miss her. I will miss feeling powerful and in "control" of the situation around me. I will miss the feeling of camaraderie and friendship I have with my other cast members.

Sigh. This, too, shall pass. It applies to both the good things and the bad things.

Today is so far better than yesterday. This may be because I had two glorious, unscheduled hours in which I could do my actual work. Unfortunately for my mental state and productivity, I'm scheduled in meetings every single hour for the rest of the day. Balls.

Good things. Listing some good things to trick my brain into having a better day.

• I HAVE A NEW NIECE AND SHE IS ADORABLE AND WONDERFUL AND I GET TO SEE HER OVER LABOR DAY WEEKEND!
• I'm very close to level 20 in Pokemon Go. I need to evolve a bunch of Pidgies and Ratattas so that I can level. Then I can evolve my Eevee and get something totally badass.
• I got my yearly raise this month. I really am getting paid enough to deal with this level of ridiculousness.
• I'm wearing one of my modified Monetas and feel like a million bucks. Modifications include: standard bodice alteration to fit, pleating the skirt instead of gathers (faster), self-drafted flutter sleeves (SO PROUD), and a V-neck with band instead of collar.
• DID I MENTION I HAVE A BRAND-NEW BABY NIECE?!?
• I'm almost done with the Creativity pack on Headspace. Next up is Pro 3.
• Emi LOVES the new Kid Headspace packs. I need to try it on Alex.
• I had an iced latte this morning. Always a good thing.
• My nails are pretty. Espionage Cosmetics makes wonderful nail wraps. This week I'm wearing the Purple & Teal Masks. My fingers are incognito.
• MY NIECE'S NAME IS LARA AND SHE IS APPARENTLY ALREADY A CHAMPION SNUGGLER!
• I had my final exam for my summer CS class on Monday. I don't think I got 100 again, but I don't think I did too badly. I just have to finish the last bit of the last assignment, get it submitted, and I'm DONE.

That's actually a pretty good list. I like it.

On the down side, it's nearly 5:30 and I'm only just now able to start working on some things that need to get done today. Damn meetings.

On the up side, I had lunch with my family and took a Pokewalk around campus with them.
Also on the up side, I made my new/old TL laugh until he cried with my description of the Chicken Brigade and our costumed performer antics at Giant Werk Conference of Doom.

Friday
Arrived safely in Dallas, checked into hotel room. Found two of the five blades of my ceiling fan on the floor. Shrugged and decided to deal with it later.

Saturday
Went down to breakfast. My keycard didn't work on my return to my room, so back down to the front desk to get it fixed. Later, a group of people bang on the door, insisting that it's their room. I send them away. I work out, read my book, do my spanish and meditation, and do homework.

Later in the afternoon, I attempt to take a nap. I'm startled out of bed by a loud pounding on my door. It's hotel management, insisting that their computers say I shouldn't be in this room. I insist that I checked in last night and should be in their computer. The woman recognizes me by my tattoos and hair and says she'll fix it.

I skype with the kids for a bit and then attempt another nap. Thanks be to the listening gods, I actually got a couple hours' sleep. I went down to the hotel quick-e-mart for something to eat for dinner and heard about the computer issue that confused everyone. They gave me my dinner for free, which was nice.

At 11, we headed over to the offices to start work. I didn't have a lot of actual work to do until 3:30. I did some CS work and hung with my analyst crew. We had snacks and coffee, but it was still rough. There were a couple tiny things for me to help with between 4 and 5, but got it ironed out. Ended up leaving the office at 5:15. I got to bed at 5:30 and just stared at the ceiling for a while, too tired to sleep.

Sunday
Slept until 11. Got up. Worked out. Did more CS homework. Got hotel maintenance to fix my ceiling fan. Read. Killed the world.

Went out to dinner with coworkers to a lovely, eclectic "gastropub". Had an amazing sour lambic beer. Also had the bacon lollipops that I'd been dreaming of since the last time I was down here - super thick cut bacon, maple hollandaise, and funnel cake crispies. And a selection of other amazing, weird, wonderful flavor combinations.

Stayed up a tiny bit too late and had trouble sleeping.

Monday
Onsite again. I'm wearing a dress I made - Moneta with pleated instead of gathered skirt, self-drafted v-neck, and self-drafted flutter sleeves in a buttery soft Nicole Miller jersey from JoAnn's.

Things are going wrong, but not so wrong they can't be solved. DEEPLY annoyed at some people who know DARN WELL that I'm not in office and not at their beck and call, but are still demanding impossible miracles.

I don't know if I'll get to go to the sparkly store, which is sad, but not a terrible thing. I really want more sleep. I'm excited that I get to go home in a couple days. I'll miss the elliptical machine, but I want to see my kids, get a hug from my husband, and spend some time with my sewing machine.

Happy daydreams
For his birthday, I'm getting Alex a train toy that he really wants. I'm probably going to get Emi her own sewing machine. That way, if she breaks it, she's done and I'll still be able to work. I've told her for YEARS that I'll teach her to sew when she's seven. That's in two months. Holy buckets. I'm going to see if the grandparents can go in together to get the kids bikes. We'll see.

Costa Rica may happen next year. Need to figure out if we want to go in the summer or over Thanksgiving, so I can get the request in.

I'm a week ahead on my CS homework. So far, it's been tricky and a lot of work, but not super difficult. I kind of like this.

I had a dentist appointment. Nothing new is wrong. They're having me come in to have a very old filling replaced before something goes horribly wrong with it. Since I have dental insurance, I'm okay with this plan.

The rubber on my Fitbit is starting to pull away from the hard plastic display. I checked out the Fitbit forums to see what to do. Unanimously people said, "Contact Fitbit support. They'll send a new one." So I did. And they are.

I haven't started packing for Dallas yet. I'll do that tonight, I guess. I haven't contacted any of the people I know down there. Feeling guilty about that, but after an overnight shift and long days, I know I won't be good for much. I should, I know. But....am listening to anxiety brain. Not good.

I've bought more musical soundtracks. Now I can listen to Hamilton, Repo! The Genetic Opera, and Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. There might be something wrong with me.

My hair is shorter and super cute. I can pull it up off my neck in a very small ponytail and the layers on my face look like anime. Super-duper adorable. Also, my stylist is still jealous of my henna. Apparently I'm not supposed to get as good of results with it as I do. I am an anomaly. I am okay with this.

Downwood is sick. I'm leaving town tomorrow. And the kids are home on summer break.

I'm kind of sick to my stomach, but that could be the extra coffee talking. And the lack of water. I'm feeling better today, probably because I got almost enough sleep.

Alex has been having problems sleeping. He'll go to be at his usual time (~7:30), but will then wake up very sad sometime between 9 and 10. Then he gets up another couple times throughout the night. Sometimes he comes in and wants hugs. Sometimes he just stays in bed and sobs. When he's that upset, he loses his words, so we don't actually know what's wrong. I have a suspicion that he's hitting a growth spurt and isn't eating enough food to support it. Whatever the case, it's making morning hard on Momma, Daddy, and Alex. Luckily, he's done with school for the year so that he can get some extra sleep in the morning.

We walked down to our little Farmers' Market in the park on Saturday morning. The kids made a beeline for the sandbox and swings. Downwood and I got coffee and were able to browse the stalls in relative peace. I visited the library to change out exercise DVDs. Then we walked downtown. We stopped at the bakery for bread (for grownups) and drinks (juice/water for everyone!). We then hit up two of our small businesses to get presents for grandpas for Fathers' Day.

Emi has developed a rather alarming habit of bursting into tears at the slightest provocation. Instead of saying that she's upset or asking for something she wants, she immediately starts crying. Not sure where she's getting that, but we talked about it and she's going to try to do better. I told her that I would try to listen better, but she will probably still hear "No" at the same frequency.

Sunday was quiet. Downwood mowed the yard and smoked a brisket. I dyed my hair and finished my Comp Sci homework. I also finished a pair of swim bottoms and have a swim top about 70% done. Not sure how cute this is going to be on me - I think I need to modify the legs to have a slightly higher cut on the thigh - but it's an accomplishment.

I'm still not reading books or listening to audiobooks. I'm still stuck in some fairly negative mental loops. But it's not all negative and things will continue to change. Just...I'm tired and I want it to change FASTER.

 I am home. I woke up in St Louis. I made it back to our town in time for Emi's Spring Concert.

Alex demanded to be taken home after Emi performed. It was HOT in the gym and he was done. I was done, too, so I didn't fight too hard. Downwood stayed at the concert through the Grand Finale for Emi.

I get to be home for two weeks. Then I have to travel again. But home for TWO WEEKS. I've been gone for almost two weeks, so this seems miraculous. 

Alex had a panic attack and had to come home from school early on Tuesday. Because Momma had been gone for so long.

I have tomorrow off. I may go to the fabric store and check out the holiday sales. I may just hide in the basement and sew what I already have. I may henna my hair. I may take a walk to the local coffee shop for a fancy coffee. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

But mostly I'm home. Finally home. Thank all the listening gods.

I took the entire time of the con - Friday through Monday - off of work. Here's how it played out.

Friday
Original plan had been to head up to the con, grab badges, and go to the "It's My First Con" panel. I didn't do this. I really should have. Instead, I ran to Target and Aldi for the things we needed - snacks for us/kids, pull-ups, basic tank tops, etc.

I got to hang out with Alex a bit, then my folks swung by our house and picked him up for the afternoon. I gave Mom her birthday, Mother's Day, and Thanks For Doing Our Taxes gifts (Julia cardigan; custom tote, hand lotion, treats; two new kitchen knives). I met them up at their hotel in the evening and we chatted for a bit. Then it was off to Emi's recital.

2 hours into the recital, Emi's group finally went onstage. She was act 19 out of about 40. Good things: they kept the show moving. No announcers. No introductions. Just continuous music. Bad things: I am SO SPOILED for good dancing. Srsly. I'll give most of the kids passes because kids, but even the senior solo showcases made me sad. So much badly performed modern dance. So. Much.

After the show, Mom, Emi, and I went swimming for a bit. Then we talked for a bit longer. Emi and I got home about 10. 

I didn't get to go to the social at the Con. That makes me sad, since the reports of the freaking amazeballs costumes were numerous and jealously-inspiring.

Saturday
We got up reasonably early, but didn't get moving very quickly and ended up getting to the convention just before 10. I wore my Moneta-modded Queen of Hearts business casual dress. I also wore my playing-card-teacup fascinator. Every compliment I got the whole day was due to the hat, but it's tremendously adorable, so I'm not sad about it.

I had lots of costume inadequacy feelings. Still do. There were SO MANY lovely, complicated, gorgeous costumes and mine seemed half-assed by comparison. The panels were either very good or very bad, but I got good information out of each of them, DESPITE some of the presenters. Electrical wiring and lighting, corsetry, pattern modification, linothorax, historical weaponry, and something else that I've forgotten already. 

Downwood and I got a hotel, since we were trying to use this weekend as a minor vacation. When we checked in, I realized that I hadn't packed any of my meds. Not good, especially since one of them is the only reason I ever sleep. Ever. I fought off the anxiety eventually, mostly by calling a nearby Walgreens and asking if they could get me a refill before closing. They could. Hooray!

We had dinner with RH and sister and teacher M. It was very tasty. We compared purchases and swapped some stories. Everyone was impressed by my magical lipstick. This stuff claims to last for 24 hours and DOES NOT LIE. My bright red lips are perfect from morning to evening. So much love. 

We ended up not going back to the con for the evening event. It was the stage show/masquerade. I had too much latent anxiety and not enough People Points to deal with it. Instead of being inspired, I'd just be sad and depressed. So we bought pie and went to the hotel's free happy hour. The bartender gave me something fruity and very red. And strong. Gods bless good bartenders.

Sunday
Woke up astonishingly early, mostly due to having an early night and not getting interrupted by kids or anything. It was quiet, dark, and the bed was super comfy. The coffee sucked, as did the water pressure, but you can't have everything. 

We drove home and rescued Grandma from the kids and gave her our Mother's Day gift (custom tote, hand lotion, treats). We then went out to brunch for Mother's Day. One of the restaurants in town does a very, very good brunch. Emi ate about two pounds of shrimp. I had more pastries than is healthy. So good.

We then got dressed up and went back to the con, kids in tow. Emi wore the Wonder Woman dress I made her. Alex wore the fleece tabard and knight hat I made and "carried" the sword and shield he got at the last Ren Faire (he claimed to carry them, but it was usually me or daddy). I wore my Carmen Sandiego getup. Downwood pulled on the full Faire gear, including chainmail and leather surcoat. He also put our very expensive, very sharp swords in a rifle case. He wanted to show off his maile and swords to the arms and armor museum guys.

I got to drool over RH's blue and purple steampunk awesomeness. I got to catch the tail end of a Victorian Fashion Evolution presentation. I also got to watch an Underwear Through the Ages presentation. I also drooled over a steampunk Snow White and Aurora duo. So luscious. So ruffles. So color.

I got to see Emi go totally fangirl over first a good Merida (Brave) and then a truly amazing Anna (Frozen). The Anna cosplayer was PERFECT. She knelt down and talked to Emi totally in character. Emi was enthralled and ended up totally convinced that Frozen is a documentary. If I'd had ribbons or other awards on me, I would have given that Anna all of them, just for how she interacted with my kid.

We were only at the con for a couple hours. There wasn't a whole lot geared toward kids specifically, so they didn't have an overall fantastic time. During my underwear session, Downwood introduced Alex to the con suite. There were snacks he could have (carrots and grapes) and people to make friends with. Emi played on my phone.

The vendors were great. My money went POOF!GONE. I bought some random trim from the Jawa bins (everything a dollar, dig until you find something you like). I bought a drawstring threader and swastika measuring guide (terrible description, but accurate. It's an amazing little tool). I got some iridescent snowflake chiffon for Emi and some yellow-gold chiffon for me. I got a book on how to work with Spandex for superhero costumes. Since it was near the end of the day Sunday, I got a deal on Con-engraved pint glasses. I almost bought a set of buttons with gears embedded in resin.

I also bought a pattern for the single-pattern contest next year. And a pair of memberships for next year's con. Now I need to figure out how we're going to get to Toronto and thence to Costume Con 35 next April. And beg someone to stay with the kids.

We spent the evening hiding at home. The kids were tired from the day. I was tired from the day. Downwood was tired from the day. I did a bit of laundry and passed out early.

Monday

Slept in. Woo! I got to snuggle Alex and read lots of books. And be totally silly with him. Woo!

Did all the laundry that I would normally have done yesterday. Went up to JoAnn's while Downwood took Alex to the grocery store. I got superhero, utility, and accessory fabric and supplies. I have PLANS, yo.

We picked Emi up at school and had a late lunch together at Culver's (all hail Early Release Mondays!). While I folded clothes, Emi read to me.

I've done both my Spanish Duolingo and meditation. If I meditate tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday, I'll get the 180 day streak achievement. Woot!

I've hemmed and sewn the side seams on a petticoat and the ruffles. Now to gather and apply the ruffles, then pleat the petticoat to the waistband. It's a very basic petticoat that should work well under a variety of long skirts.

I'm nearing the time when I need to head up into Madison to go to dance class. I don't particularly want to go back to work tomorrow, but I'll have to leave early to go to both therapy and my monthly maintenance massage.

I'm trying to focus on the things that I did well this weekend. I'm struggling with it, as usual. My jerkbrain is loud and likes to focus on all the ways that I screwed up and was unproductive and a bad person and a worse mother.

I only have until Friday to get all my things done this week. I fly to Florida very early Saturday morning and don't get to come home until Wednesday night. Also an anxiety trigger, but what can you do.