cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Dear Emi,

Your mommy is a slacker. I was supposed to write something for your 2nd month birthday, but I never did it. I was still home with you every day and it was more important for me to be enjoying you than sitting at my computer. I don't regret this a single bit. Now, I'm back at work, so my brain has a bit more time to consider and think about topics that I'd like to post about.
( More letter and pictures )

I'm back at work. I have so much email to go through that Outlook is having problems getting up and running.

I miss my little girl.

My baby girl is sleeping in her bassinet. She has both arms thrown over her head and has kicked her feet out of the blanket. I have chores that I should be doing, a nap that I should take, and any number of projects that I haven't touched in a very long time. Instead of those things, I keep going into our room to sit on our bed and just stare at her.

She won't always be this tiny. She won't always know that I would do anything for her. She won't always want to be in my arms. So I'm trying to soak up as much of this feeling as I can. It's a lot - I've spent the last 7 months fighting to feel anything at all - and I'm usually overwhelmed by it. But I think it's all okay.

At some point I'll stop being "Em's Mommy" and go back to being Sabine. I'm not ready for that just yet. Even though it's meant late nights, little sleep, and a whole new set of worries, I wouldn't trade this time for anything. She means everything to me right now. I don't really see that changing any time soon.

Last Monday started out as pretty much every other Monday this year has gone. I grumble when my alarm goes off, let the dog out, fix some cereal, feed the dog, and sit in front of my light box while reading Facebook, Twitter, or webcomics. True, it was Peanut's due date, but since she hadn't made so much as a peep of wanting to escape, I updated Facebook that I wasn't expecting to have the child.

I went to take a shower and noticed quite a lot of bloody show. I was immediately concerned, but since they'd told me to both expect it and that it could be several days yet before true labor, I tried to not worry. That resolve lasted about as long as it takes to wash my hair. I decided to call Triage to get their opinion, just to make sure.

They said to come in, just in case.
( This got really long and somewhat descriptive. FYI )

My hair is now as short as it's been since I met my husband. I had time this afternoon and decided that if I was going to get my hair cut to something even more manageable and low-maintenance, I should do so before Peanut arrives, not after. It's now just a bit past my chin and has layers. We'll see what it does tomorrow morning after my shower, but Downwood has been assuring me every time I ask (5 or 6 times by now) that it is, in fact, very cute.

Other than that, I had a very lazy day today. I made blueberry pancakes, read my book, played Katamari, cooked a pretty good dinner, and utterly failed to do laundry. I still miss my family very much - especially after I got done writing the toast that someone will read tomorrow night for my sister and her new husband - but I'm coping.

And then I get a phone call from my father. He said that as soon as Downwood and I are up for visitors after Peanut, that he'll be here 9-10 hours after I call. I get the impression that he's anxious to meet his first grandbaby. :-) I knew my in-laws and my folks (mom and stepdad) were totally excited, but I didn't realize that Dad was so on board with it.

(For those who hadn't heard, my mom and dad got divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 2. There was an annulment involved and a whole host of issues resulted from it. When I refer to "my parents", I'm generally talking about my mom and stepdad, since he's been around since I was 5. He's possibly the best thing that could have happened to our family and I kind of hope that Peanut turns out to be a boy so I can name my son after him.)

I had an appointment with my backup OB doctor yesterday afternoon. She told me that it'd be a not-so-smart idea for me to travel to my sister's wedding this weekend. Not just because she doesn't want to hear about the car breaking down and me having the baby in the middle of a corn field, but also because my insurance won't cover an out-of-area delivery this close to my due date.

Bah.

I was pretty upset when I left the appointment. I finished up my work day, made some calls to sister and mother, helped Downwood make an extremely tasty dinner, and then re-read some of my favorite scenes from the Dresden Files. For the 8 hours between end of appointment and going to sleep, I was having regular contractions. Starting at about 25 min apart and getting down to 10, they were getting stronger. But then I fell asleep and they stopped altogether.

M'eh. Downwood was getting excited and running statistics, but my lizard brain is firmly convinced that I'm going to be pregnant forever. I hate waiting.

Normally, I dislike having measurements taken of my body. I have some issues with how I look and numbers just don't help. Yesterday, however, I was given a number that I feel pretty good about.

1 cm.

I've already heard from my mother how she was dilated to 3 cm for an entire week before I was born, but I'm still excited to know that this pregnancy will be ending sooner rather than later. The dr also estimated yesterday morning that I was about 10% effaced, which is also a good thing.

My dr is on board with my preference of "Let's not make surgical incisions into Sabine if it can at all be avoided". I'm okay with getting meds, but not so okay with cuts.

Also, ( Girly TMI - You have been warned )

Thanks to some good planning by Downwood and the intrepid spirit of friends, all of our remaining furniture was moved from the rental to the house while I was at work on Friday. There's still some clothes and random things to grab, but pretty much everything else is in a box or bin and is somewhere in the new place.

Also, thanks to some sneaky planning by my friends at work, I was totally blindsided by the baby shower that coworkers threw for me. It was a total surprise and a nice way to end a Friday afternoon.

The dog is getting adjusted to the new place. Since we're here, her bed and food are here, and her routines are similar to the rental, she's feeling a little more sure of herself. She also has gotten quite a few treats, so that's helping to make her think of this as "her" place.

Yesterday morning, my sister and I decided to go on a walking tour of the town. We took Rain with us and visited a couple of garage sales, scoring some excellent small child toys for cheap. Downwood, who had been tasked with picking up milk while we were out, saw us carrying bags and pulled over to offer to take them home for us. We sent the dog with him, too, and continued our walk. We found breakfast at a bakery, distraction in a gift shop, lunch at the butcher's, and Anne discovered that the winery will give you very generous samples of many types of wine.

We found out when we got home that the dog, not content with her lot in the back of the Jeep, decided to climb into the front seat on the way back with Downwood. Not only did she climb into the front, but she managed to put the car into neutral by stepping on the gear shift in the transition. Dingbat dog.

Saturday night was spent grilling brats, eating sweet corn, and chitchatting. It was a very "us" sort of night.

Today, after a big breakfast, Downwood mowed the lawn while sister and I cleaned in the kitchen and front room. I made some pulled pork for lunch, which made more leftovers than I'd expected, so we'll be eating that all week.

The afternoon was spent at a baby shower thrown for me by my very cool friends. No games, just good food, better conversation, lots of laughs, and women from three distinct areas of my life - gaming, work, dance - all getting along and having a good time. Bex invented a new type of sushi for me. She took the bacon-wrapped, cream cheese-filled, jalapenos that I make for any social occasion and put them into rice. It was delicious! Katy deep-fried wontons filled with Nutella or ginger and dates. So, so good.

While we were gabbing, Downwood made another trip to the rental and claims to have brought back all the remaining dishes and glassware. This means that I can finally figure out where to put away the paper plates and go back to eating off of dishes that I don't have to worry about disintegrating under stress.

I'm kind of dreading getting up and going back to work tomorrow. I don't particularly want to force myself to get up with the alarm clock. Also, this is our week off of dance class, so I don't even have anything to look forward to in the evening other than unpacking and organizing. But, I might hear about the bloodwork that I had done last week, so we'll see what that does to my med dosage. I also might have something exciting to work on or some problem to solve that is actually solvable.

But for now, I will sit here and watch the sun set over the trees. My computer desk is by the windows in the back that get a lovely breeze and have a wonderful view of the trees and hills. I can see the massive deck and our yard with its shiny new fence. My sister is reading in the recliner and my husband is playing Bejeweled on his computer. The dog is sacked out on her bed. I have five weeks left until Peanut's official birthday. I can probably handle this.

My weekend wore me out. There's something about driving 800 miles in 2.5 days that'll take it out of you. It didn't help that for most of it I was on highway 20 across Iowa - Road of Very Few Bathrooms.

• Remember that scene in "Big" where Tom Hanks is jumping on the giant piano in the toy store? Peanut's been doing that to my ribs. She decided that this was a super-fun activity about halfway between Madison and Mapleton (7 hr drive). Brat.
  
  
• Apparently, I glow. I'm not sure what exactly my family is seeing, since I think I look puffy, oily, and awkward, but they disagree. Downwood would like to point out that he STRONGLY disagrees with my self-image right now and that, to him, I am Utter Hotness. I think he's delusional.
  
  
• It was wonderful to see my family again, even if it was for just a little while. I hadn't seen most of my dad's family since my wedding. I see my mom's family more often since they're a whole lot closer, but it was still good to spend time with them and relax a little.
  
  
• Almost all of my reactions to stress and plans changing at the last minute are either genetic or strongly learned. Watching my mom, two of her sisters, and my grandmother all react the same way that I do was...educational. Also, we all have the same reaction to getting hungry: we get cranky. It's a little terrifying how alike we all are.
  
  
• Did I mention that US Highway 20 is somewhat hellish when you're 7 months pregnant? There are no bathrooms. Woe. Angst.
  
  
• 8 weeks and 5 days from today. I'm still hoping for August 1st.
  
  
• Last night was quite possibly the best reaction to a critical botch in a game that I've ever seen. One of our intrepid band went off looking to score some of the highly dangerous drug that he got addicted to in the last session (don't blow a Toughness check in Dark Heresy - bad things happen). The dice failed him and he carried off the scene beautifully. If I had brain recording, that'd go on the highlight reel.
  
  
• Packing continues apace. You wouldn't really know that I'd cleaned out my sewing room last week as it has now been filled up with all the baby stuff my family unloaded on me over the weekend. One aunt has an 11-month old and another's youngest child is 3. Since I like hand-me-downs, they're cleaning out their basements/spare closets. We close on the house on the 25th, will be having a painting party over the weekend of the fourth, and will probably be shifting "home base" down there the weekend of 11/12, since our home internet will be going away on the 10th. If you like hauling boxes, moving furniture, or painting walls, we will take whatever help we can get.
  
  
• Work goes okay. Still not totally in love with my job, but not terrified/stressed out/hating it right now. I'll take what I can get.

Is it okay that I feel funny when people wish me a Happy Mothers' Day?


Also, Downwood got to feel Peanut's breakdancing this morning.


Also also, we put in an offer on a house yesterday.


I sort of feel like a Real Adult. I'm not sure I approve, but since we're going to see Star Trek on the IMAX in 2 hours, I think I can cope.