cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Thursday - Med check at noon. I took a half sick day after it and just went home. I was headachy, but mostly just needed the mental health break.

Parent-teacher conferences went well. Both kids' teachers are happy with them. Alex, in particular, is so far beyond where he was last year, that his teachers are overjoyed.

Friday - Dressed up for Formal Friday in a vaguely western/steampunkish ensemble. I was happy with it. Came home and collapsed. We thought Emi had Girl Scouts, but our Google calendar tricked us. That was all to the good, as she didn't end up eating much dinner and probably would have been ultra-cranky at the end of it.

Saturday - Alex's cold kicked into high gear. Emi melted down about going to tap, but had a good time once we got her out of the house. I worked on work issues (upgrade happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning), CS homework, cleaning the kitchen, and sewing. I've made a good start on Hogswatch presents.

Emi and I made a tuna-noodle casserole that both tasted good and was safe for EVERYONE to eat. Alex had a couple noodles, but then asked for plain noodles. It was too weird to have all the things mixed up like that, but he tried it. So it was a win.

I ended up going to bed at halftime of the UW game. I am tired and need sleep.

Sunday - Homeboy was pretty miserable. Emi had been begging and begging, so we finally took our fall trip to the apple orchard. The walk from the entrance to the trees exacerbated Alex's asthma and he was totally miserable. Emi and I picked some apples and we were off. Fastest orchard visit ever. Still, we got some good apples, some fresh apple cider, and Emi got to go into their food area and buy some cider all on her own (Alex didn't want to go in, just wanted me to hold him, so Emi stepped up and was awesome).

I got all my laundry done and most of my homework. I still have a couple of bugs to work out of the homework and it's due tomorrow, so I'll be doing that instead of anything fun tonight. I got some sewing done and some more cleaning done. Alex just wanted to lay on top of Mom, so my productivity took a major hit. Still, I got enough done that I didn't beat myself up about it at the end of the day.

Today - zomg. Everything is on fire and full of bees. People across the country are panicking at me. I'm still kind of in a mode of  "Behold the fields in which I grow my fucks. Seest thou that they are barren?". My Calming Voice is getting a workout today. I haven't rolled a 1 on anything yet and my aura of "Magic of Tech Support" has already given me a couple of free saving throws.

Also, I'm tired. Alex isn't sleeping well, so neither are Downwood and I. Ugh.  But I'm wearing my new Nyx "soft matte lip cream" in Monte Carlo. It's a lovely bright red, though the matte texture is taking a little getting used to.

Thanks to a stellar performance on my final programming project and the good graces of our professor applying a very, very slight curve, I'm sitting at a 4.0 GPA. EVERYBODY HAPPY DANCE!

I've received my official assignment for my Werk Conference of Doooom cosplay. During the massive Tuesday night shindig, I'm the Queen of Hearts! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! I don't have to be QoH the whole week if I don't want to. I have permission to be both Cheshire and White Rabbit if I so choose. MWAHAHAHAHA! Now to negotiate with my official costumer and buy bunny ears.

Kid birthday party is Sunday. I have a Google Doc with lists of things to do, find, clean, buy, and prep. This is how I roll. Our allergy-friendly menu will be hot dogs (Emi only), chips, fruit punch, and sno-cones. I'm tempted to make some Rice Krispy treats, just to have something in which to stick candles. I have face paint, glitter tattoos, DIY bouncy balls, sidewalk chalk, and the entirety of the park to run around in. And lures for the Pokestop that's next to the shelter.

I've spent nearly an hour and a half on the phone with a customer that's not mine. I'm the expert they need, though, so I'll stay on the line. I am both the voice of reason and the voice of experience. They're at a better place now than when their tech manager called me in a panic, so it's all good.

My EC Boom!Box is on the way. I'm SO EXCITED to see what I get! Mystery makeup!!

I'm listening to the Iron Druid Chronicles again. I'm on Hammered and things are starting to go horribly wrong for Atticus.

As always, I have too much to do at work, but I'm doing okay with it so far. So far. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

Lots and lots and lots of anxiety feelings today. I slept in, so I'm actually feeling rested, but I'm heading to the airport in a couple hours. This creates massive anxiety that I then get to deal with. What if I get there late? What if I miss my flight? What if something goes wrong? What if I can't find my carpool people? What if the hotel didn't actually get reserved? What if I lose something in transit? What if something goes wrong at home? What if the kids get sick? What if Downwood gets sick?

Downwood and the kids came up to have lunch with me. We walked around the new buildings and had a good time. I got to hold onto both kids and get big hugs from them. They left to go get their swimsuits - it's supposed to be 90 today, so they're going to go swimming. I already miss them.

And my phone has been ringing off the hook. My patience with today's shenanigans is wearing thin.

Less than an hour and I head to Dallas. Whee.

Alex has been having problems sleeping. He'll go to be at his usual time (~7:30), but will then wake up very sad sometime between 9 and 10. Then he gets up another couple times throughout the night. Sometimes he comes in and wants hugs. Sometimes he just stays in bed and sobs. When he's that upset, he loses his words, so we don't actually know what's wrong. I have a suspicion that he's hitting a growth spurt and isn't eating enough food to support it. Whatever the case, it's making morning hard on Momma, Daddy, and Alex. Luckily, he's done with school for the year so that he can get some extra sleep in the morning.

We walked down to our little Farmers' Market in the park on Saturday morning. The kids made a beeline for the sandbox and swings. Downwood and I got coffee and were able to browse the stalls in relative peace. I visited the library to change out exercise DVDs. Then we walked downtown. We stopped at the bakery for bread (for grownups) and drinks (juice/water for everyone!). We then hit up two of our small businesses to get presents for grandpas for Fathers' Day.

Emi has developed a rather alarming habit of bursting into tears at the slightest provocation. Instead of saying that she's upset or asking for something she wants, she immediately starts crying. Not sure where she's getting that, but we talked about it and she's going to try to do better. I told her that I would try to listen better, but she will probably still hear "No" at the same frequency.

Sunday was quiet. Downwood mowed the yard and smoked a brisket. I dyed my hair and finished my Comp Sci homework. I also finished a pair of swim bottoms and have a swim top about 70% done. Not sure how cute this is going to be on me - I think I need to modify the legs to have a slightly higher cut on the thigh - but it's an accomplishment.

I'm still not reading books or listening to audiobooks. I'm still stuck in some fairly negative mental loops. But it's not all negative and things will continue to change. Just...I'm tired and I want it to change FASTER.

I took the entire time of the con - Friday through Monday - off of work. Here's how it played out.

Friday
Original plan had been to head up to the con, grab badges, and go to the "It's My First Con" panel. I didn't do this. I really should have. Instead, I ran to Target and Aldi for the things we needed - snacks for us/kids, pull-ups, basic tank tops, etc.

I got to hang out with Alex a bit, then my folks swung by our house and picked him up for the afternoon. I gave Mom her birthday, Mother's Day, and Thanks For Doing Our Taxes gifts (Julia cardigan; custom tote, hand lotion, treats; two new kitchen knives). I met them up at their hotel in the evening and we chatted for a bit. Then it was off to Emi's recital.

2 hours into the recital, Emi's group finally went onstage. She was act 19 out of about 40. Good things: they kept the show moving. No announcers. No introductions. Just continuous music. Bad things: I am SO SPOILED for good dancing. Srsly. I'll give most of the kids passes because kids, but even the senior solo showcases made me sad. So much badly performed modern dance. So. Much.

After the show, Mom, Emi, and I went swimming for a bit. Then we talked for a bit longer. Emi and I got home about 10. 

I didn't get to go to the social at the Con. That makes me sad, since the reports of the freaking amazeballs costumes were numerous and jealously-inspiring.

Saturday
We got up reasonably early, but didn't get moving very quickly and ended up getting to the convention just before 10. I wore my Moneta-modded Queen of Hearts business casual dress. I also wore my playing-card-teacup fascinator. Every compliment I got the whole day was due to the hat, but it's tremendously adorable, so I'm not sad about it.

I had lots of costume inadequacy feelings. Still do. There were SO MANY lovely, complicated, gorgeous costumes and mine seemed half-assed by comparison. The panels were either very good or very bad, but I got good information out of each of them, DESPITE some of the presenters. Electrical wiring and lighting, corsetry, pattern modification, linothorax, historical weaponry, and something else that I've forgotten already. 

Downwood and I got a hotel, since we were trying to use this weekend as a minor vacation. When we checked in, I realized that I hadn't packed any of my meds. Not good, especially since one of them is the only reason I ever sleep. Ever. I fought off the anxiety eventually, mostly by calling a nearby Walgreens and asking if they could get me a refill before closing. They could. Hooray!

We had dinner with RH and sister and teacher M. It was very tasty. We compared purchases and swapped some stories. Everyone was impressed by my magical lipstick. This stuff claims to last for 24 hours and DOES NOT LIE. My bright red lips are perfect from morning to evening. So much love. 

We ended up not going back to the con for the evening event. It was the stage show/masquerade. I had too much latent anxiety and not enough People Points to deal with it. Instead of being inspired, I'd just be sad and depressed. So we bought pie and went to the hotel's free happy hour. The bartender gave me something fruity and very red. And strong. Gods bless good bartenders.

Sunday
Woke up astonishingly early, mostly due to having an early night and not getting interrupted by kids or anything. It was quiet, dark, and the bed was super comfy. The coffee sucked, as did the water pressure, but you can't have everything. 

We drove home and rescued Grandma from the kids and gave her our Mother's Day gift (custom tote, hand lotion, treats). We then went out to brunch for Mother's Day. One of the restaurants in town does a very, very good brunch. Emi ate about two pounds of shrimp. I had more pastries than is healthy. So good.

We then got dressed up and went back to the con, kids in tow. Emi wore the Wonder Woman dress I made her. Alex wore the fleece tabard and knight hat I made and "carried" the sword and shield he got at the last Ren Faire (he claimed to carry them, but it was usually me or daddy). I wore my Carmen Sandiego getup. Downwood pulled on the full Faire gear, including chainmail and leather surcoat. He also put our very expensive, very sharp swords in a rifle case. He wanted to show off his maile and swords to the arms and armor museum guys.

I got to drool over RH's blue and purple steampunk awesomeness. I got to catch the tail end of a Victorian Fashion Evolution presentation. I also got to watch an Underwear Through the Ages presentation. I also drooled over a steampunk Snow White and Aurora duo. So luscious. So ruffles. So color.

I got to see Emi go totally fangirl over first a good Merida (Brave) and then a truly amazing Anna (Frozen). The Anna cosplayer was PERFECT. She knelt down and talked to Emi totally in character. Emi was enthralled and ended up totally convinced that Frozen is a documentary. If I'd had ribbons or other awards on me, I would have given that Anna all of them, just for how she interacted with my kid.

We were only at the con for a couple hours. There wasn't a whole lot geared toward kids specifically, so they didn't have an overall fantastic time. During my underwear session, Downwood introduced Alex to the con suite. There were snacks he could have (carrots and grapes) and people to make friends with. Emi played on my phone.

The vendors were great. My money went POOF!GONE. I bought some random trim from the Jawa bins (everything a dollar, dig until you find something you like). I bought a drawstring threader and swastika measuring guide (terrible description, but accurate. It's an amazing little tool). I got some iridescent snowflake chiffon for Emi and some yellow-gold chiffon for me. I got a book on how to work with Spandex for superhero costumes. Since it was near the end of the day Sunday, I got a deal on Con-engraved pint glasses. I almost bought a set of buttons with gears embedded in resin.

I also bought a pattern for the single-pattern contest next year. And a pair of memberships for next year's con. Now I need to figure out how we're going to get to Toronto and thence to Costume Con 35 next April. And beg someone to stay with the kids.

We spent the evening hiding at home. The kids were tired from the day. I was tired from the day. Downwood was tired from the day. I did a bit of laundry and passed out early.

Monday

Slept in. Woo! I got to snuggle Alex and read lots of books. And be totally silly with him. Woo!

Did all the laundry that I would normally have done yesterday. Went up to JoAnn's while Downwood took Alex to the grocery store. I got superhero, utility, and accessory fabric and supplies. I have PLANS, yo.

We picked Emi up at school and had a late lunch together at Culver's (all hail Early Release Mondays!). While I folded clothes, Emi read to me.

I've done both my Spanish Duolingo and meditation. If I meditate tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday, I'll get the 180 day streak achievement. Woot!

I've hemmed and sewn the side seams on a petticoat and the ruffles. Now to gather and apply the ruffles, then pleat the petticoat to the waistband. It's a very basic petticoat that should work well under a variety of long skirts.

I'm nearing the time when I need to head up into Madison to go to dance class. I don't particularly want to go back to work tomorrow, but I'll have to leave early to go to both therapy and my monthly maintenance massage.

I'm trying to focus on the things that I did well this weekend. I'm struggling with it, as usual. My jerkbrain is loud and likes to focus on all the ways that I screwed up and was unproductive and a bad person and a worse mother.

I only have until Friday to get all my things done this week. I fly to Florida very early Saturday morning and don't get to come home until Wednesday night. Also an anxiety trigger, but what can you do.

I have finished my business casual Queen of Hearts dress. It is insanely adorable. My playing-card-teacup fascinator just needs me to get a headband to put it on and it's done, too. Super adorable cuteness.

I have nearly finished my business casual Cheshire Cat dress. It is fun and wonderful - my favorite Moneta bodice in purple with a full circle skirt in purple/fuchsia stripes. I need to hem the skirt and it's done. I also badgered the Etsy seller from whom I ordered ears and tail. Very fun.

I took 2 yards of a space-dyed spandex knit and have turned it into a ruffle skirt for Emi, skirted capri leggings for Emi, a t-shirt for Alex, and capri leggings for me. There's about 3 inches left that I can use for bindings or waistbands in the future.

Emi is feeling better. She got to go to a late night Urgent Care appointment Sunday night with her 105.1 fever. They tested her for various things and sent her home. Fluids, Tylenol, Rest. She's staying home again today - must be 24 hours medicine- and symptom-free - but is pretty much back to normal.

Work has approved me to take the Introduction to Programming Comp Sci course this summer. It's Monday nights from 5:30-8:30. I haz a sad that I won't get to dance, but a happy that I may be able (eventually) to transition to a role that has intrigued me for YEARS.

I'm doing a good job of changing one of my home habits. Now, instead of doing my Duolingo at the table or on my computer, I take my phone to the exercise bike. I learn Spanish and get a bit of a workout. This is working and I like it.

I wore my M4M Megan Romper/Dress to the BUW show. RH was dutifully impressed by the sorcery of the wrap top - even if I lean completely over, it doesn't gape. Truly astounding.

The BUW show was full of extremely high highs (Fritha! Zils!) and low lows (Costume!WTF?, Fetishwear, What is this I don't even?). I love my friends. I didn't go to the workshop and I think I'm glad of it. It was a very, very late night.

The thing I'm writing for/with Downwood? 138.5k words. Holy buckets.

I now look weird to myself in the mirror if I'm not wearing lipstick of some kind. The color doesn't really matter - I'm just used to seeing lips that stand out somewhat from the rest of my face.

I've purchased a pattern from one of my favorite designers (P4P). For a bikini. Yes, I'm going to try to make myself a 2-piece swim suit. I'm having too much fun playing with color combinations on Spandex World. I'm scared, but some of the pattern testers have bodies similar to mine and they look good in their suits. I will try this thing. I may fail, but I hope not.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled programming.

It's Friday! Woo!

Tonight is for dropping the car off to get fixed, dinner with friend, books, and buying of ice cream
Tomorrow is for Ice Cream For Breakfast Day, calling Mom to sing Happy Birthday, and picking up my car from the fixers.

Downwood and I just passed 50k words on this thing we've been writing. We started it on 1/6. Therefore, we won a NaNo.

KUEC just said, in response to someone on Twitter wondering if there are dildos in Star Wars, "Anywhere there are humans, they have invented dildo technology! Humans are just like that." I'm laughing too hard to breathe. Now they're discussing the anthropology and archaeology of dildos. I. can't. breathe.

Work is making me crazy. Whatever.

Emi has a pretty nasty chest cold. She shared it with me. She's been pretty miserable lately.

Alex is trying new words and new sounds every day. He's becoming more and more vocal. It's an amazing, wonderful thing.

I've done a good job (I think) managing anxiety this week. Meditation is helping. I'm very much enjoying the Self Esteem pack so far! 15 down, 15 to go.

My zendoodles and zentangles are becoming popular-ish on Instagram. Actual artist people seem to like them. Enormously flattering.

Friday. Yay!

Alex didn't want to get out of bed this morning. So snoozy. When we have to get someone out of bed before they're ready, we'll say that they're "not done on both sides". This is something I remember my grandmother telling me. Alex wasn't even done on one side this morning. He finally staggered out of his room just as I was getting ready to go. He held his arms up and just wanted hugs. He laid his head on my shoulder and refused to let go. So we hugged for a long while.

Our family xmas present from my in-laws was a piano. It's a full keyboard and has all sorts of electronic effects. It has very high reviews on Amazon. The kids are enthralled. Now we need to find a teacher.

It is Tuesday, so I had an extra coffee this morning. Small skim almond latte for the win!

I have only two sessions left in my 30 day Anxiety pack on Headspace. It has helped. I haven't had to take the Xanax in a while! Woo!

My Fitbit thinks I didn't have any active minutes yesterday. My Fitbit doesn't understand me. The Saidi choreography that Teacher M's putting us through is ZIPPY. Holy buckets. Also, my phone is convinced that my Fitbit is out of battery. There's a lot of miscommunication going on here.

I don't have pockets today so I'm not going to refresh my lipstick. Still, I put it on this morning, so that counts toward my resolution.

It's snowing. Has been for a while now. Gorgeous fluffy flakes. It looks very slippery. I'm not enthusiastic about going to dance and driving home very late through this.

The weekend was good. We had friends over for board games on Saturday. Pandemic killed us quickly. The Shadow Over Westminster killed everyone but the Templar, who turned out to be working for the Darkness all along. Templars!

Sunday was for laundry, taking down the Christmas decorations, cleaning, and trying to not freak out about the upcoming week. My dad sent us a gorgeous beef tenderloin that Downwood cooked to PERFECTION. It was amazing and wonderful and all things good.

Alex spent the weekend showing off his new words. He has lots. This is an amazing thing. We always knew that he had a lot to say and now he's able to share some of what's going through his head.

Emi spent the weekend being demanding and difficult. She gets bored easily and isn't good at it. She'd rather have us entertain her than try to entertain herself. This is unpleasant for everyone.

Downwood and I spent the weekend doing chores and writing in a game we've played off and on over the years. We're at 9.1k words, which is nothing to sneeze at.

I feel like I never get enough done on the weekends. I have TWO WHOLE DAYS to be productive and I just don't manage it most of the time. And then I start imagining catastrophes and feeling bad about how I expect the upcoming week to go. And it just doesn't feel good. I'm doing better at spending time with the uncomfortable feelings, labeling whether I'm thinking or feeling and whether it's pleasant or unpleasant. It's a trick from Headspace and it's helping.

And it's snowing harder. 1.5 hours until I make the call on what I think the roads will be like after 9. Ick.