cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

But I am sick and distracted and frazzled.

Things I have recently learned and/or experienced:

• Thanksgiving was awesome. It's my favorite holiday. There's no pressure for gifts or fancy costumes (though I do love me a fancy costume). I just have to cook good, simple food and have my house clean enough that there are places for people to sit. The food was delicious and our people were great. It was wonderful.
• This year's emergency call to bexdragon wasn't for butter, bread, or any of the usual items. It was for super glue. For first aid purposes. Yes, I managed to slice my thumb open pretty badly while prepping veggies. Bex was a hero and bought superglue for the sealing of the wound. It's healing nicely.
• In related news, Emi learned that she shouldn't play with super glue. She glued two of her fingers together and was sobbing because it was instant and hurt to pull them apart and then the glue wouldn't come off her fingers. She learned some important lessons, but I told her it was okay because she told me the truth about what happened and she didn't glue her finger inside her nose or eyes and she didn't glue her buns to the toilet seat. She laughed and things are okay.
• I think I'm done with my holiday shopping. I'm waiting on some things to be delivered, but I think I'm done. This is good. I have a couple things yet to make (princess dresses and mermaid blankets), but those are pretty easy. Now I need to wrap all the things. Ugh.
• My kids are wonderful. Alex is getting new words and sounds. He's trying SO HARD to communicate. Whew! Emi is a bundle of drama. There are moments when I regret having kids - mostly when our child-free friends go on spontaneous vacations - but then they do something cute and I'm glad I'm their Momma.
• I have a chest cold and feel icky and my voice is dropping octaves. I want to go home at noon so I can rest and not talk. And sew.
• I've been working on Things To Make Me A Better Human. These include: continuing to use Duolingo daily, but switching to Spanish instead of German, using my coloring books and colored pencils, making Zentangles, making elaborate doodles with colored pens, and learning meditation. I think I'm in a better place because of all these...and a new anti-anxiety med. I'm now on a regime of LOTS OF MEDS, so I need to find the other things that will smooth out the edges of my mental state and let me remember what "relaxation" feels like.
• Meditation is interesting. I'm using the Headspace app. I bought a year membership so that I'd commit to doing this daily. So far, it's been a nice thing. I'm worried about how I'll get the time when we're visiting family, but I can use it as a "I need to lie down" moment and hopefully maintain my calm. I have a voucher for a free month if anyone's interested. Voucher claimed on FB!
• Dance is good. We're working on a choreography that is mostly gentle, 1970s-style. Lots of Reda. It's a nice change from the OMG!DRAMAH of the last piece.
• Work is still work. Lots of things to do and my levels of cope are low. No bueno.

Dance - Finally done with this choreography and have a bit of a break. I'll be traveling for some of it, but still.

Achievement Unlocked! - At the end of class, teacher M had us run through the choreography with a veil. We ditch it after about 2 minutes and keep going with the song. The choreography ends with a bow, then you come up, wave to the audience, and float offstage with the last couple measures of the song. We did this. All of us in the class took a lap of the "stage", said goodbye to the audience, and snapped up our veils on the way out. Teacher M was delighted. It was her Proud Dance Mama moment of the night, since she hadn't specified this - we just did it because that's what we're supposed to do.

Books - I'm listening to "The Martian" and it's wonderful. I'm reading "Other Worlds Than These" and am a mite disappointed - some of the stories in this anthology just aren't doing it for me, unfortunately.

Sewing - I have a couple more pant patterns to try out. I need to see what flatters this weird tummy of mine. Also, I'm terribly tempted by this pattern. Emi would love it.  https://www.etsy.com/listing/240378497/the-princess-power-suit-one-piece?ref=shop_home_feat_4

Werk - Stress. Anxiety. Triumph. Frustration. Success.

Weird - Night Vale tickets have been confirmed. I'm discovering other Night Vale citizens and rejoicing to see who else will be there. One will be my team lead who is now thoroughly addicted. Mwahahaha!

Adulting - I'm tired of being an adult. Adulting is hard. Why did I want to grow up, anyway?

I have succeeded in making a Really Cool Thing work at werk!

I have purchased my supporting membership for Loncon so that I can get the Hugo packet and vote!

I have "Pretty Little Head" by Eliza Rickman stuck on endless loop in my head! I blame Welcome to Night Vale's latest weather.

I don't know the fandom they represent, but Espionage Cosmetics' Impending Storm nail wraps look very nice. Ox was quite interested in them last night, too. I got them as one of my two "free random wraps" from the Kickstarter. http://espionagecosmetics.com/nailed-it/impending-storm.html

Water, tea, more work. Then I think I'm going to skip the Heather Dale concert (woe is me) in favor of just going home and collapsing after werk.

I've said some really mean things to myself today, but my dress is still incredibly lovely, so the jerkbrain can just go pound salt.

Friday - I have no idea. I made it through the day by the skin of my teeth. Went for a couple long walks. Read books with the kids.

Saturday - Cleaned my bathroom and worked on the den and my craft table. Made a really tasty and healthy dinner that all of us could eat.

Sunday - Finally made my pink headband and gloves to go with my pink dress. I've only been meaning to do that since I got the darn thing. I won't get a chance to wear it unless there's another signup for Newer Dancer Night. Bleah. Maybe we could have a "Wear really amazing dresses to class" night. Did all the loads of laundry. Continued my efforts to have a clean and tidy house. Read some. Read to the kids. Threw the kids outside to burn off energy. Called Mom, made sure she had all the tax stuff necessary and made a list of the things I needed to get for her.

I didn't get my new skirt made, but I got the pieces cut and pinned. I got all my UFOs gathered up and straightened. I didn't go get Ox's hair cut. I didn't beat myself up too badly about either of these things.

Monday - I only have one color left to go on my "Sunset Shawl". I changed the color scheme from what the pattern suggested, so it's more of a "Sabine's Favorite Colors Shawl" , but that's cool, too. I'm quite excited for RH's Bingo night tonight. I have henna and the latest Seanan McGuire book packed and ready to go. Still feeling emotionally unstable, but since that's nothing new, I can keep moving.

My customers are freaking out, but I'm staying mostly calm. I'm very, very caffeinated, I have pictures of my kids being squirrely, and I know that this, too, shall pass. I got to listen to the new "Welcome to Night Vale" on my drive in, which always makes the day just a bit more surreal. This is a good thing. I can call my sister after work to see if she got her very late bday present. This is also good.

A look ahead at the week:
Tuesday - Parent/Teacher Conference! Yay!
Wednesday - Curl up in a ball and hide.
Thursday - Newer Dancer Night? If I can get confirmation that (1) it happens and (2) someone I trust will be there the whole time, I'll bring Emi so she can see Momma dance.
Friday - Continue with the curling up in a ball and hiding
Saturday - Scion game at my house. I have a plan, but I need to write some things down.
Sunday - Sew something. Go downstairs and finish one of the UFOs. Done is beautiful.

Good things:

• I can go up to town after work. I can pick up my kiddo's portraits (finally), go to the fabric store for beads, tribbles, and something shiny, and I can even go to the mega-store to see if they have a beer described as the most wonderous beer ever.
• I have 3 more Dogfish Head Midas Touch beers at home. Holy crap, you guys. This beer is completely amazing. It's making me plan changes to my brewing wish list.
• I had an excellent cider last night. I don't remember the brand, but it's just plain, straight-up, semi-sweet cider. Tasty.
• I'm reading "Red Rising". Yet another "kids killing each other" dystopia novel, but instead of the poor, oppressed kids duking it out for the amusement of the rich and powerful, it's the rich and powerful kids going to "war" with each other to prove that they have what it takes to be the next leaders of men. With a twist, natch, but it's more adult than YA, which is kind of nice. And the hero fucks it up every so often, which is also nice.
• Sunday is the Soooooooper Bowl, so we're going to have friends over for good food and relaxed times. I also have a tattoo appointment in the morning. I'm excited and a little nervous, since it'll be my wrist. Visible and I'm expecting painful. But pretty, elegant, and ladylike. So there's that.
• I finally figured out how to log my morning cycling to my Fitbit. It doesn't measure pulse, just motion, so it doesn't pick up on the legs going round and round. I'm feeling a bit wobbly right now, but that's okay.
• I'm aware of my internal monologue and the things I say to myself. I'd never talk to another person this way, nor would I let someone else talk to me like this. Awareness is the first step to changing it, but it's really hard.
• I'm wearing a bracelet Emi made for me. It has all sorts of beads including "Purple, because it's your favorite color, Momma". She's amazing and wonderful, even though she's a total pill at times.
• I don't have back to back to back meetings today.

Yesterday I stayed home from work again. I was following the doctor's orders - taking a Xanax, a bit more of my sertraline, and staying away from the anxiety-laden work environment. So I did those things.

Then Downwood came down with an absolutely TERRIBLE stomach bug. He was down for the count and couldn't take care of anyone. I was struggling trying to keep the kids happy, him hydrated, and me from dissolving into panic.

So I did what any well-adjusted adult would do. I called Mom.

She dropped everything at work and rearranged her entire schedule. She drove up and immediately took charge of the kids. I'd managed to get dinner in the oven and she helped get the kids to the table and even convinced both of them to eat. Then she helped me with dishes and got the kids in the tub. I had a minor meltdown, but the kids didn't have to see.

She was there in the middle of the night when Emi had an accident and we had to get her bed changed. Emi was sobbing because her favorite blankie got wet and had to be washed, but Grandma was there, so things weren't so bad.

She folded the clothes from the dryer and moved the wet things so Emi's blankie was dry this morning when she woke up.

When I left for work, she'd already gotten both kids to the table. Everyone was happy.

If Downwood's feeling better today, they'll be working on getting the house cleaned up, swept, vacuumed. The tasks that normally I take care of on the weekends, but couldn't due to severe anxiety and depression.

She'll have to leave before I get home from work today, but since my med changes and hormone changes seem to have kicked in, I should be okay to deal with life again.

So, yeah. Mom is awesome. And, in 30 years, if Emi calls and says she needs me, I'll drop everything and come to her. It doesn't matter if I don't approve of her husband or choices - if she needs me, I'll be there and do what needs doing to get her back on her feet. And that's family and that's awesome and that's where I'm from.
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Also, Xanax is really weird stuff. It turns me into Zombie Sabine. I read two good books, but couldn't actually tell you that I enjoyed it. I ate good food, but couldn't tell you if it was good. I completely shut down. BUT, I wasn't shaking and sobbing and overwhelmed by an anxiety attack from something simple like "What kind of tea would you like?"

Today, I'm close to normal. I cared about things like sparkly jewelry and nice nail polish. I got a good lunch and breakfast packed for work and enjoyed my morning coffee. I was able to honestly smile at my kids and give my mom a hug and mean it.

I have a follow-up appointment with my psych doc in 2 weeks to talk about how we're going to manage my meds so that this doesn't happen every month. I forget the name, but there's a clinical term for "PMS that makes Anxiety disorders go Batshit Crazy." I snarl when I can't come up with the appropriate response, but the bigger problem is the curling up into a ball and crying and not being able to function at all. I can't have 25-30% of my life be this way. It's better than the 100% of me-before-any-meds-or-therapy, but it's not good.

I found one of my small paper journals, so I'm going to work on tracking shifts in mood to correlate with anything possible. I can be fixed. Everything's going to be okay.

Let me explain.
No, there's too much. Let me sum up.

• Didn't go to Iowa for summer vacation. Downwood came down with bronchitis and we didn't want to take the chance that it's contagious for my very pregnant little sister to catch it. This made me a sad Sabine, as I love my sister and really wanted to see her.
• Emi's room has a new floor! Downwood pulled the carpet out, then he and my step-dad put in laminate. My mom and I kept the kids out of the room, out of the power tools, and out of the way. The new floor is totally awesome and will hopefully be easier to keep the allergens at bay.
• Ox is no longer confined to his crib. He's adjusting - we've had a couple of crashes out of bed and he's finally convinced that he doesn't need someone to come let him out.
• Emi and Ox both have new mattresses, thanks to early birthday gifts from Downwood's folks. Again, this should help with the allergies. They both also have new pillows and all the blankies in the house got washed while we were putting things together. Ox's mattresses are on the floor and Emi's are now up on a frame! It's truly a big girl bed, as the new mattresses are pretty tall, so she has to climb up into them.
• The next time I talk to Mom, I'm telling her the same thing I told Downwood: they're adults, they're family, and they need to talk to each other instead of waging a proxy war through me. I'm done.
• We had people out for the 4th. I mad Thug Kitchen's iced tea, we grilled, toasted marshmallows, and let the kids run around like wild things. I had amazing cleavage and peacock eyeliner. We played cards and laughed a lot. I taught Emi how to catch lightning bugs. Life does not suck.
• I feel like I haven't slept well in a month of Sundays.
• Zombie Run Couch to 5K is progressing. Hills suck. Living in a really hilly area sucks. Endorphins rock.
• Bentos are love.
• I finally have pretty nails again. Hot pink OPI (Flashbulb Fuschia) with a bit of gold glitter (SC I Dream in Jewels) on my ring fingers.
• I am in desperate need of a haircut. My bangs are utterly out of control.
• Good, dear, fantastic friends are in town with their little boy. I went to college with the guy and am sad that they've been in Pittsburgh the whole time. I wish we lived closer.
• My creative projects over the weekend have been crocheting lace onto handkerchiefs and decorating a victorian-ish hat. I bought a buckram frame, covered it with flannel, then covered it with fabric. I put ribbons, buttons, a flower, some feathers, and a bow on it and now it looks pretty darn spiffy. I have two more frames to mess with. This is too much fun!
• My sewing table is a disaster. I need to spend some quality time with my sewing machine.
• I have a pile of stuff for the making of steampunk ray guns. Again, I need to spend some quality time with my craft stuff and maybe buy some new dremel tips.
• I need to finalize my music for New(er) Dancer Night so that I can finalize my costume choices. I probably won't go with the song that I want, but with a song that will be slightly more approachable.
• Kickstarter is crack.
• Wall of Green now lets me print Instagrams and other pictures from my phone straight to the store. This is both awesome and terrible.
• My office moved from one building to another. I have nothing up on my walls yet. This is distressing. I also don't have a tray below this desk for my keyboard, so I'm going to have some awful neck and shoulder pain every day until they get this addressed. Balls.
•  

Saturday - Home stuff, then up to Madison for fabric shopping, knife/scissor sharpening, and spice shopping. I got the fabric I'd intended to buy (black cotton for a quilting project for xmas gift) and a bunch of chiffon to make a layered skirt. My scissors are once again awesome and Penzey's can just take all my money.

Emi and I made popsicles with these cool monster push-up molds I found. We put them in the freezer, then she was asking for updates about every 30 seconds. When I said they wouldn't be ready until tomorrow, she woke up Sunday morning and immediately asked for a popsicle, but would accept pancakes as a fair trade.

I also went for another Couch-to-5k Zombie Run. I'm getting worried about this. My knee really hurt through Sunday and today is still aching. I'm not sure what to do to strengthen the muscles so that I don't hurt myself by being more active.

Sunday - Spent a lot of time in the back yard. Emi helped me weed quite a lot of the vegetable beds. We got our day lily bulbs, more asparagus roots, and more rhubarb roots planted, the dead thyme plant evicted, and the massive sage of doom trimmed. I ran out of energy when I looked at the oregano that's trying to take over the world, so we moved to the other bed. We got half of it totally weeded - all the grass and other stuff pulled out. Then, Emi helped me plant a bunch of carrot seeds. We'll see how these go.

I still need to clear out the other side of that bed to make room for herbs - basil, cilantro, and parsely - and get the peas planted for snap pea goodness. I haven't decided what to do with the part of the perennial bed that the oregano's currently occupying. Sage and oregano aren't supposed to be perennial in Wisconsin, but in our yard they are.

It was awesome seeing Emi nom some asparagus straight from the garden. We won't have enough this year to harvest for a full meal, but a couple stalks broke while we were weeding, so she munched them. She also discovered bugs, worms, spiders, and all sorts of stuff in the dirt. I'm so glad that I'm able to get her connected to the earth a bit more. :) It makes me happy.

I still want to get some apple trees, berry bushes, and grape vines for the back. I also need to get a metric crapton of mulch for both the front and a border for the veggie beds. I also want to put a planter around the mail box - it's really hard to mow around it and I want the front to look nicer. This'll also let me have frivolous flowers.

Today - I have green tights, a denim pencil skirt, a black tank top, black fingerless scrunchie gloves, and a neon orange cardigan. I have sparkly earrings and necklace. I also have a knee brace and tea. And mauve/purple nail polish that has rainbow holographic glitter in the right light. And it's dance class night and my werk thing I was freaking out about on Friday has been moved to next week Monday at 5.

Things that are making me happy right now:

• Clothes that some would call "crazy", but I call "me"
• Garden!
• I finally got my red coat all cut out. Next up on cutting is my fancy teal dress, my red bustle, and my chiffon skirt.
• Bento planning - I got a cookbook and some stuff and am looking forward to slightly healthier and tastier lunching
• Dance. I mean, yeah. Dance. Always a happy thing.
• My mute button on my phone at werk.
• Nail polish
• Guild Wars 2 - my ranger asura is made of win
• Emi. She had some MOMENTS this weekend, but overall was an absolute joy. She loves playing with the neighbor girls and just wants attention and love. She's very smart and determined and frustrating and wonderful.
• Ox. He threw up a couple of times this weekend - first time in MONTHS. He was very distressed by it, as expected. Poor guy. We need to figure out what happened so that we can get his tummy back on track. He had a ball playing outside and coloring with chalk on the driveway. He is so darn cute and a wonderful little guy.

Man. Not sure what happened, but my back is once again killing me.

Friday: Refinanced mortgage. Am a responsible adult.

Saturday: Took Emi to the school to meet her teacher. I can't believe she'll be going to 4K in the fall. She's so big! She, of course, passed all the evaluations with flying colors. After, she and I went out for lunch and to the fabric store. After, we worked in the basement on Grandma's birthday present.

Sunday: Drove over to Dubuque and met my folks at the Mississippi River Aquarium. Ox was ENTHRALLED by the fish! He thought it was the best thing ever!! Emi likewise had a blast. She was running from exhibit to exhibit, looking at all the things and touching the interactive pieces. My folks were awesome - they love being grandparents! After, we went to lunch, then home. I started on Mt St Laundry.

Monday: Vacation day! Ox had a dietary consult with his allergist, who will now be going to bat for us with the insurance company. Best doctor ever! Emi and I stayed home and watched science shows, played play dough, and made a faux-oreo the size of a plate! It was safe for her and delicious. I threw some fish and sweet potatoes in the oven for the family before going to the grocery store and dance. Dance was awesome and kicked my butt. When I got home and both kids were sleeping, Downwood told me that both kids ate ALL the fish I'd cooked. ALSO, Ox was able to keep it down!!!! HOORAY! We might finally have some answers and be able to get him away from the "Failure to thrive" diagnosis.

Today: My back hurts liek whoa. My step count is doing pretty well and I should be able to sneak another walk in after lunch. My little CDO brain loves having a pedometer app on my phone - it seems more manageable than counting minutes of walking. I feel a little more control over my life and that's a good thing.