cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Gratitude for Day 8 (Yesterday) - Days end.

Gratitude for Day 9 - Music and dance.

I forgot to restock the emergency Xanax in my purse. This is a Big Problem. Yesterday and today are not good days for me. I'm just trying to keep going.

Tea, good lunch, Ox hugs, Night Vale podcasts, sleep, tea, exercise bike (very low resistance, so as to get my ankle back in working order), and craft planning. I need fabric stiffener (for crochet ornament thingies), Feb 14-themed fabric (for project for MiL), worsted-weight yarn (for cool hat for Downwood), and lavender fabric for a dress for me.

I could leave yarn off the list, but Downwood insists that a Cthulhu hat not be pink. He's silly that way. I'm sure there's a market for My Little Cthulhu accessories, but he insists that he's not a part of it. INSISTS.

It is resolved that:

1. I shall use my light box, drink tea, and try not to freak out about how broken I'm feeling. Winter's just starting: we have LOTS of dark yet ahead of us.
2. No matter what my jerkbrain says, there are things that won't make it better.
3. Emi and Ox need Momma.
4. I will go to class and enjoy the hell out of teacher M's new choreography.
5. I will get up tomorrow and go to work. When I get home, I'll have a new CD and two new books to read.
6. I will make it through today, tomorrow, and the next days after that. I will keep going.
7. I will take Emi and Ox trick-or-treating. Not sure how many houses Ox'll be able to handle - his legs are still pretty short. Emi and I will canvass the entire town, if necessary. After, we'll go through her candy and exchange what she can't have for what she's not allergic to. We will then set up a rationing system. There will be negotiations.
8. I have some pretty sewing projects just for me. I also have some gifts to make. If I'm not around to make them, the fabric will go to waste. And that would be terrible.
9. Eventually, the Hogswatch gifts I ordered from Zulily will get here. Then I can add them to my gift stash. If I'm not around, those gifts won't be given to the right people. Those people then won't be happy and know that someone was thinking of them. That would also be terrible.
10. I haven't had a chance to wear my new dresses yet. I need to do that. That's a good reason to keep going through these days.

And so it goes. It's not good in my head these days. Trying to force it to be better just doesn't work.

So tired. I got home at midnight last night from my work trip to Dallas, then had to wind down to fall asleep. I set my alarm for about an hour later this morning than is normal for a Tuesday, but I needed the sleep. Emi came in and snuggled about 15 min before my alarm went off, so that was really nice.

I also got to snuggle Ox a bit, but he was much less impressed that I came back. Emi was so excited to see me, but I'm just a part of the landscape to Ox. That's okay.

Today I've been listening to "Tam Lin" by Sooj/Tricky Pixie. On repeat. For a long time. It's a jazz version of the classic ballad. I love love love it. I't seems like a perfect October song for many reasons.

McD's has Pumpkin Spice Lattes. They're reasonably tasty - actually more pumpkiny than *bucks. So that's a good discovery.

I don't know how I'm going to wait until next Monday to deliver pretties to dance class. I picked up a couple pins, necklaces, and a bracelet or two that will appeal to people. If no one wishes to take them off my hands, I'll be okay keeping them, but they called to me to bring them back to new homes.

But I read some good books and some okay books and listened to good music. I have Friday off so we can go to the orchard and get our annual Grumpy Pumpkin Picture.

So tired. Need tea, but am on phone

I didn't have enough coffee this morning. I thought I'd have enough, but then forgot my travel cup at the hotel. Woe is me. This is after I had to call and complain about them sending me the wrong food for breakfast, so maybe I'll see if PB&J toast has the same wakeup properties as caffeine. I doubt it, but it might be something interesting to find out.

There are a lot of people here who have only ever heard my voice on the phone or over an email. I'm doing my very best to give them a good first impression of me as a Real Person. I like being a Real Person. I with I was more caffeinated, but I'll go with rhinestones and arm sling.

It's a good thing I've had a little training on how to teach. Those summers teaching high school students science are paying off today in this moment. Luckily, I've already answered all these questions many times before for other people, so I can sound like I know what I'm talking about.

The internet is slow. I'm VPNed to Remote Desktop, which should make me feel like I"m living in the future, but all I can think is how frustrated I am that it's slow. Argh.

Ooh! New smut campaign on IndieGoGo. I love their books, since there's actual plot to go along with the smut. This makes me happy. Go! Give them funds! http://igg.me/p/throne-of-the-depths/x/1374969

Water does not have the same wake-up properties as coffee or tea. Why didn't I pack tea for my trip? This is not a good situation for a caffeine junkie like me. Maybe it's a sign that I should be dialing back on the caffeine. Maybe.

I miss dance. I want my arm to heal, but I also want to dance. I want it to heal so I can use it and I need to use it in dance, but I have all these ideas and my body is slowly falling out of dance shape. I want to veil to Lama Bada for SitG, but if I can't use my arm to work on the choreo, should I just drop out? I don't want to push it and end up hurting myself more, but dance is one of the things that keeps me going on a daily basis and I haven't had it in my life lately. This is not good. Not good at all. Worse than not having tea.

I was asked last night if maybe I need a Zulily and Totsy intervention. I know I impulse purchase too much, but the reason these last boxes were huge is because I was buying storage. I got Ox a toybox for his big boy room. I got some storage bins for blankets and stuffies in the living room, and I got some bins for my dance stuff and hats. I know I have too much stuff, but the excitement of getting mail and having one thing to look forward to is a habit I picked up that first year of grad school when everything went all to hell. I haven't been able to shake it.

Going to stop. Need to return to positivity before customer people come back to the room and I have to interact and be Super Sabine again. They love me, they tell their co-workers that they love me. Now I need to make sure that I can return their love with awesomeness of my own.

I miss my kids. Lots.

Dance class continues to blow my mind. We're getting longer, more complicated combinations thrown at us with less explanation. We can still ask for explanation - and still get it when we're not picking up on the subtleties of movement - but it's not broken down count-by-count. It's challenging.

We're also asked to come up with combinations on the spot - something that doesn't have to be explained with words, but can be picked up from watching. It also has to be repeatable and fit the music reasonably well - not so good as a "real" choreography, but not jarringly out of sync with the mood and style of the music.

I don't think I'm very good at this game. I look at the combinations that the other ladies come up with and I look at mine and feel like, "Gee. That's lame." When I'm just dancing for myself, it doesn't seem like a bad idea - I want it to be visually understandable - but I'm not sure that I'm pushing into new, uncharted territory. Last night seemed to be hard on all of us - when the GPS loses her feet, it's all over.

The choreography, though. Dude. It's speaking to my soul.

I'm not good at giving up control. I'm not good at letting loose. In the words of the kelda, "There's this wee bitty bit of ye that disna melt and flow." I worry about what other people see in me when I dance. I worry that I'm not doing it right. I try to watch what I'm doing as I do it.

But this. This won't let me do that.

Don't get me wrong: I have no idea what I'm doing through most of this dance. But it feels Right in a way that I haven't gotten lately. It's trance-inspired and exercises the demons and exorcises worry and stress.

It's NOT a dance to be performed without thorough warm-up.

It's just...something that I need right now. I need it a lot. I left class last night exhausted and exhilarated. I felt as though a weight had been taken from my shoulders. It's back today, of course, but it's less.

My drive home was moderately terrifying, since Mother Nature's continuing her winter hissy fit. But it gave me a lot of time to think about the choreography, how it flows, how it builds, and how it works together. I had my current Song Of Obsession on and I realized that I could remix the choreography and it would work GREAT for that song.

So now I'm thinking that maybe this could work. It'd be another "you're dancing to WHAT?" song choice, but I think it'd work in the right venue.

Still feeling good. Still certain that this is right. Still stressed and sad, but I think I have a way to help mitigate it. Even if just a little, this is what I need.