cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

I'm working really hard at avoiding buying more fabric from Girl Charlee. I really want to, but I also want to not have guilt and jerkbrain thoughts because I already have projects to work on. But dresses are SO PRETTY! And flattering! And easy! And dressy!

I've been pseudo-commissioned to make some fancy vests for a friend. I'm not sure if he's actually going to give me money or just pay me for materials or what. Unsure Sabine is unsure.

I'm starting to freak out about henna vending at SitG this upcoming weekend. I don't know how much traffic I'm going to get, not sure how much product to bring, how to fairly price, what all this means! I know I'll be fine, I just don't feel fine about it right now.

I'm so behind at work. And it's just going to get worse from here.

We have a babysitter (grandma) lined up for Saturday night, so Downwood can go to the gala show with me. I'm probably flying solo to the Sunday show. Not that I've bought my tickets for either yet. Maybe we'll just go to the Saturday show and avoid the Sunday show. It made me mad in places last year, but maybe this year will be better? Unknown.

I'm drawing again and that's good.
I have an appointment tomorrow to talk about switching out this "Be less crazy, but gain a ton of weight" med for something less drastic.
I have pretty things to make
I have good books to read
I'll get new Audible credits tomorrow.
Everything's going to be fine.
Breathe

Friday - Left work right on time and came home. I'd thought about leaving a little early to go to JoAnn's for a new double needle, but decided to just come home.

I came home and pulled the kids outside to play with the neighbors. I talked with the neighbor mom and the kids drew chalk all over the driveway. Downwood was in a terrible mood, so I figured it was best to get us all out of his hair.

The results of my henna experiment are conclusive - the spray gel works REALLY WELL as a henna extender if applied when the henna is more dry than not. It re-moistens it, which lets it stain more. It also holds it on the skin longer - it's actually kind of difficult to chip off. This also lets the stain be longer. I like it and I'm going to continue using it.

Saturday - Tried and failed to sleep in. Both kids came in for snuggles and stealing of Mom's phone. Got up, dinked around online, then went and got my hair cut. I love my stylist. She is amazing and wonderful.

Came home and refreshed my knowledge of the Scion campaign I'm running. I decided that it was time that we should put the Rock back in Ragnarok. So far, it's going reasonably well. The players were understandably distraught when they saw that the cover of the book really is Ragnarok, but they recovered nicely. We had to do some serious recap to remember where we'd left off the last time we played (May), but we had pizza, friends, and dice. So that was all lovely and good.

In the evening, Emi and I worked downstairs. I rethreaded my serger and pulled one of my Project Bins out of the cabinet. This one had "Things to sew when you finally switch the serger to white thread". I hemmed a pile of handkerchiefs (squares of linen and cotton, found in my Great Stash Organizing), mended a rip in one of Downwood's pajama pants, and zipped together new dresses for the girls. Emi helped by clipping the threads from the handkerchiefs and putting them in the washer.

Also laundry, because Emi wanted her favorite clothes clean.

Sunday - Slept in a little bit. Got tackled by Ox, who wanted snuggles, a dry diaper, and my phone. Not really sure if the order of those things mattered to him.

After Emi woke up, we had some breakfast and then got her bags packed. She helped pick out her clothes for her suitcase, the books for her backpack, and the bedtime stuffies/blankies for her bedtime bin. Then Downwood got the car ready and he and Emi took off for Illinois.

Ox was distraught. He went and put his shoes on and went back to the garage. So I put him in the car and we went to JoAnn's for fabric and needles. Then we went to the FLGS for dice and the new D&D Starter Set. Then to McD's for french fries.

After we got home, I did more laundry and played some GW2. Then the rest of the day was for doing dishes, finishing laundry, watching cartoons, reading rules, washing dishes, and entertaining little dude. We got to Skype with Emi, Daddy, and Grandma, after which Ox had another meltdown when he realized it was just pictures on the computer. So we had to call back to have them reassure him everything would be fine.

I made dinner for us. As we finished eating, Downwood came home. When he came inside, Ox had a FULL BODY MELTDOWN when he realized Emi wasn't with him. Ox went to get his shoes and tried to pull me to to door with the expression of "Mom. Dad forgot Emi. We need to go rescue her". Little dude wasn't being reassured AT ALL that Emi was fine, was with Grandma, and we were here, and everything's okay.

As a distraction, I went downstairs and grabbed the Lego kit I'd picked up for his birthday present. Downwood sat with him and helped him build the construction machine. Ox calmed down eventually. While the boys worked on the lego, I went down and sewed together some of the fabric Ox and I picked up. Ox now has a Thomas pillow on his bed. Emi has a Spiderman pillow with glow in the dark webs.

Then it was time for bath and bed for little dude.

We called Grandma to see if Emi was settling in okay. Emi. Was. FINE. In fact, she was so fine that she was bouncing and shrieking "BUBBLES! BUBBLES! BUBBLES!" when we asked what they'd done. Apparently, bubbles were involved. And riding her tricycle. And reading books. And having dinner. And everything else.

I have two VERY different kids. It is becoming more and more apparent. :) This is kind of cool.

Today - I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I'm very tired and grumpy and the jerkbrain is loud. I miss my Emi. Ox was still totally snoozy this morning when I left. I went in and told him good morning anyway, since I do that for Emi when she's still sleeping when I leave.

I'm angry at myself for not being more productive with my time. I'm saying bad things to myself for not knowing when we're going to get to Faire this year. I'm calling myself names because of money management issues. I put on clothes and think things are okay and then I look in the mirror and can only think cruel things.

But I made it to work. I have tea. I have a coworker who commiserated with me on the fate of a character in a story we both love. I have Jane Austen on my Kindle. I finished my audiobook ("How the White Trash Zombie Got Her Groove Back" - 4 stars), so I can download a new one.

I have henna and nail polish remover. I finished my Mensa daily puzzle easily. I will get tasty lunch. I can maybe try to leave right on time and swing through JoAnn's for fabric Downwood requested (he's jealous of the kiddos' new pillows). There's dance tonight. I can make a post with all my sewing projects and ideas. I have a new episode of KUEC for tonight.

It's going to be okay.

I have chicken curry for lunch. It is delightful, though sadly lacking in vegetable. I also have sourdough bread because I decided I needed something to sop up the extra curry sauce. Om nom nom!

UPS says my initial Girl Charlee order will arrive today! I'll get home late from work, so I won't have enough time to cut, but I *will* have enough time to throw the fabric in the washer. This'll get me enough fabric for two or three pencil skirts, one A-line skirt, and a Moneta (once I figure out what bodice size I need). I'm delighted at the imminent expansion of my peacock wardrobe.

Friday we have no plans.
Saturday is haircut (FINALLY!) and Scion - I need to read up on what comes next in the story arc...and remember where we left off, since we didn't play at all in June.
Sunday is Downwood taking Emi down to his mom's for the week. I'll be home, hanging out with Ox while they're driving down and back. Sniff. Baby girl is SO BIG.

Next week is more work craziness. Then Emi comes home and my folks come up and it's the Giant Werk Picnick of DOOOOOOOOOOM!.

Then I go to Miami for a week. Yey. To my least favorite customer. Yey. To work 12 hr days. Yey.

Then there's a week and it's SitG. I'm doing henna! I have a booth! I need to make up signs/pages of examples of $5/$10/$15/$20 designs so that people don't flip out. Also, I need to purchase show tickets. I told AJ that I don't have a performance piece ready enough to be happy with myself. I have standards about how many hours it would take to effectively polish something for that venue and I don't have the spare spoons/sticks for that right now.

Instead, I have curry. Mmmm....curry...

Good - I did really nifty henna on the outside of my left leg today! It's lovely and I'm proud of it.

Bad - I had to contort my upper body to get a good angle on it. This aggravated my already sore neck into a full-blown headache.

Otherwise - I'm more happy with how the drawing turned out than I am upset about hurting because of it. Win!

Tonight will be for junk food and shopping with Emi. We need to get dishsoap and end-of-school gifts for her teachers. Eek! I don't know how we already got to the end of the school year, but next Friday is her LAST DAY. Holy buckets, y'all.

This image sums up my feelings about werk today: http://www.funnybits.mobi/2014/02/behold-field-in-which-i-grow-my-fvcks.html

And now it's the weekend and I can enjoy some hard cider, get my hair cut, and relax at the spa. Maybe we'll have someone over to play cards or something. I care not. Refer to the above link for why I'll be glad to not be at work.

Today
Overslept and got a late start. Been dragging all day because of it. Emi, Ox, and Downwood had fun on Emi's class trip to the zoo, but left early so they could make it all the way home for dry clothes before going to their allergy appointments this afternoon. Ox discovered the joy of deep puddles. I have a feeling Emi and her friends helped introduce him to that joy.

I didn't refill the emergency Xanax in my purse, so every so often I have to take deep breaths and fight back the tears. This sucks.

Tonight I have dance class. Tomorrow is an aromatherapy scalp massage at the spa that I'll get to use one of my preferred customer cards on. Then it's nothing planned until Saturday when I run my ill-fated Scion game again.

Both kids got through their allergy appointments with flying colors. Their Dr is one of the best in the state (thanks, local university with a med school and teaching physicians!) and we know we're in good hands with him. He called us late in the evening on the Saturday of Christmas weekend a couple years ago because he'd just gotten the test results and wanted to let us know right away. The man's dedicated, is what I'm saying. He's happy with the progress they're making and has no new changes to diet or routine. They'll get eliza-assayed again in November, so until then we just need to keep avoiding the bad food and get the good food in as much as we can. Good stuff.

Sunday
I woke up the first time to Emi-voice next to my head. Downwood came in and pulled her out of our room, under extreme protest. This let me sleep in probably another hour. It was bliss. We spent a chunk of our tax return on replacing the entire cover of our SleepNumber bed, since Downwood had it long before we were married and it'd collected way more dust, cat, and dog allergens than was healthy for any of us. The new cover is luxurious in comparison to the old one. We have one last bit of pre-dog furniture to replace and one last floor to replace, and the upstairs will be safer for the kiddos.

We had lazy breakfast and I got back to work on laundry. I also sewed up the previously-pinned sections of my dress, pinned new ones, and hemmed/mended three pairs of Downwood pajama pants out of the mending pile.

While Downwood mowed the lawn, I crocheted on the back porch and supervised the kids with popsicles and bubbles. When the mower ran out of gas halfway through the back yard, I brought a picnic lunch to the porch for all of us to share.

In the afternoon, I continued working on the amazing backlog of laundry, put together a Henna page on the Facebooks, and played GW with Downwood and friends. Ox passed out on the couch partway through the afternoon.

Ox got up from his nap as we were sitting down to dinner. His bottle had leaked stinky formula ALL OVER him. All he wanted were Momma snuggles, so Downwood and Emi ate and I held Ox. I couldn't eat dinner at the same time because he was totally stinky and it killed my appetite. As soon as he was done eating, Downwood took Ox off to the bathtub and I tried to eat.

Downwood washed Ox's hair (totally stinky and full of formula). This displeased Ox. He was SO MAD and SO UPSET that he ended up throwing up everywhere. Luckily, he was still in the tub, so it was easy to clean him up. I got him out of the tub, dried off, and in jammas. He played trains with Daddy while I got Emi to finish dinner and get in the tub.

She asked me to get in with her to "make whale waves". I said sure. I washed my face. She washed her face. I scrubbed my body and she scrubbed her body. No mention of anything wrong with either body. It was kind of nice.

We eventually got both kids into bed. I went to bed at my usual time, but then tossed and turned and was TOTALLY AWAKE for 45 more minutes. Usually, my meds knock me out 4-6 minutes after I lay down, so this was upsetting and frustrating and other things. Ugh.

Saturday
Soccer day! We got up early, got the kids up early, and went over to the soccer fields. Emi is running SO much better than she did last fall. She's keeping up with the other kids now! She still doesn't like being in the middle of the scrum and she doesn't want to run into anyone or have anyone run into her, but she's moving a lot better.

Ox still wants to be out on the field with her. He got tired of Daddy corralling him, so he went over to the mother of a boy on the other team and sat down in her lap! No idea who she is, just that she was sitting there in perfect snuggle position. Luckily, our small town is awesome and she was awesome and we were right there, so it was all okay.

When we got home, I rolled some cones and filled them with the adhesive for glitter henna. It was both a mess and a learning experience. Then I gathered all my stuff and walked down to the studio.

I was there noon to three and only got to henna two people. I did a really good job on them, though, so I felt good about it. I got to read my book, henna myself, and relax without pressure. I need better marketing or something.

I walked home and worked on some laundry. I also read my new book. I'm-a bring it it dance tonight because it's GORGEOUS. Also because there's a cape that Teacher M will drool over.

After dinner, bath, books, and bed, Downwood and I were relaxing when we heard Emi start crying. He went back to check and hollered for help. Emi was throwing up all over the place and was still asleep. I picked her up (ick, but kid) and took her straight to the bathroom while he started pulling all the blankets, sheets, pillows, and stuffies off her bed. She finished throwing up, I got us both undressed, and got us both in the shower. Emi didn't really wake up until I was washing her hair. She was crying and upset and standing there, but not awake. By the time I got her dried off and back in her room, Downwood had the dirty things in the washer and was getting clean sheets on the bed. I got her (and me) into clean jammas, found a clean fuzzy blanket, clean pillow, and second-favorite stuffy animal, and she went right back to sleep.

Shortly thereafter, I went and crashed, too.

Friday

Werk, werk, werk. Anxiety, Xanax, anxiety, Xanax.

I escaped work later than I'd wanted and met Downwood and kidz at McD's for dinner. I got huge hugs from the kiddos and we had dinner together. After dinner, I headed over to the East side to go to the MBdA shindig at Tribal S's studio. I don't spend much time on the east side, so it's always an adventure when I get to drive that way.

I got an AMAZING parking spot (by poaching the one that Au had her eye on) and walked in the door only a couple minutes late. We danced to a really fun playlist that RH put together. I henna-ed everyone who was there (all 4 other people). I held the hand of dancer H who was having an anxiety attack of her own and tried to tell her that she's not alone.

I got home late and gave Emi a hug anyway. Downwood had promised her that I'd do so when I got home, so I did. Even though the day had been full of all sorts of awful mental places, dancing and drawing for 2 hours pulled that out of me. It was really nice. Also, maybe someday I'll take lessons from Tribal S. She has some neat ideas about cabaret dancing, good technique, and I think I'd like to learn from her. Also, the next free dance night might be a glow night, which could get more attendees. That'd be cool.

All of last week
Oh gods, werk and anxiety. Things happen at the speed of light and I'm so very tired all the time. My kids are amazing and wonderful, and Downwood's very supportive, but work is eating my soul. I'm doing what I can to resist, but it's hard. Ouch.

Friday
I made $40 doing henna! Holy crap! I also got to go for a walk in the sunshine, finish a UFO from my sewing table, and relax with my kiddos. Totally an awesome day off.

Saturday
Slept in. I applied henna to my roots and let it sit for a couple hours. While incubating, I did some bubble science experiments with Emi and played some GW2.

Then my phone rang. A friend needed to be retrieved from a bad situation. Downwood went to rescue Friend while I fed the kids lunch and showered the henna out of my hair. Friend and Downwood came back to the house and we talked for a while about the badness that was going down. Eventually, Friend wanted to return to his home, so Downwood took the kids and took Friend back to Madison.

I walked down to the gallery/studio and got my wrist flowers touched up and tweaked. Holy fucking hell, but that still hurts like a bitch. OUCH! No more inside of wrist tattoos for me. Ever. Never ever ever.

Sunday
Slept in (notice a theme here) and snuggled with my kids. We played a little bit of GW2 and then I went up to the spa. I thought I'd scheduled an aromatherapy bubble bath and pedicure, but turned out I just got the pedi. Sort of sad, but pedicure! My toes are now a cheerful orange. This cold, dreary weather can suck it.

Came home and did my usual Sunday slaying of the laundry monster while playing GW2. The kids were in rare whiny form. It was raining and cold, so we couldn't just throw them outside, though I eventually did just that. Ox's nap got cut short, so he had the tired whines and we were ignoring Emi to play games together, so she was totally whiny, too.

Both kids went to bed early - Emi fell asleep when she went into timeout at dinner and Ox had to be put in bed three times, but finally stayed there. I also went to bed early, since I knew I'd not be able to sleep in today.

Today
Cold, rainy, dreary, gray. Bleah. The very first thing that happened this morning was Downwood telling me how wrong I was about how I woke up, which did nothing to help my mood. I'm working on excavating my email - something about being gone for a day makes everything explode. Who knew?

I have things to look forward to, though, and maybe if I list them out, that will help.

Today = Dance class!
Tomorrow = Valour and Vanity comes out! More Regency magic wonderfulness!
Wednesday = Something good? Maybe?
Thursday = New Welcome to Night Vale live show recording released! WOOOO!
Friday = Half day of werk, followed by drive to Iowa. Snuggles with Baby Bash! Hugs from my seeester!
Saturday = Visit with grandpa in hospital, followed by trip to Des Moines zoo! Maybe seeing my mom!
Sunday = Another visit with grandpa, followed by drive home and slaying of laundry monster.

So, yes, good things on the horizon. I just need to focus on what's good and let the bad stuff carry on. Eye of the Tiger and Pretty Little Head.

Today I scheduled a sick day at work. I did this so I could stay home with the kiddos while Downwood went to get a ton of dental work done. I got Emi to the bus on time (yay) and got some dishes done and clothes folded and put away. Ox doesn't feel so good, so he snoozed most of the afternoon and demanded snuggles the rest of the time.

I also accomplished a few things. I went and paid our property taxes. I went to the tattoo salon in town and talked about the ink I want to get next. I also GOT A GIG! The owner of the salon saw the henna on my hand and asked if I'd be up for applying to other people. They apparently think that I'm really good at this, though I think I still need lots of practice. Anyway, I'll get paid to draw on people on April 26. Until then, I'm going to practice, practice, practice.

I also put together a really tasty bread pudding, ate some good soup Downwood made, and got to hang out with my sister, her boys, our cousin, and his wife.

Also, all three kiddos went to bed without fuss.

Life is good. I am thankful for all these things. 

For many, many years I'd been a loyal customer of Lush for their henna product. I loved how it deep conditioned my hair and made it super-duper shiny. But I'd been getting frustrated at how it as taking longer and longer - 4-6 hours! - to get the same level of vibrant red that my inner vision of Me required.

So I decided to go back to chemical processing and waited many months to let an Aveda stylist make my hair awesome. And it turned out...okay. It wasn't what I really wanted, but I tried to be happy with it because of the $$. I sort of despaired of making the stylist understand my vision, so I'd been putting off going back. I didn't have the People Points necessary to argue for what I really wanted, so I just avoided it and let my natural hair color "shine".

And then I saw pictures from the January hafla and shuddered. That's not what my hair's supposed to look like. Not at all.

So I turned to the internet, searching for a new henna vendor. I found Henna Color Lab. I purchased their starter kit with both the Pure Henna shade and the Wine Red shade. I decided to start with Wine Red and followed their instructions.

Holy. Cow.

This is a MUCH more aggressive henna than Lush's. As in, I let it sit for just over an hour and I have Jessica Rabbit Red. Dark, vibrant, purple undertones, the whole awesome package. I love it. Love, Love. LOVE it. I feel much more like Me. Now, I can go in and get it cut and not have to worry about the stress of explaining that, no, I don't particularly care if it looks "natural". I just want to look like Me. And the Me I see in my head has this hair. I feel better. Still chubby and bad skin, but better.