cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

I've spent a lot of time at work in the last week where I have a bit of down time and just get overwhelmed and have to fight back tears as I try to decide what to work on next. This makes me even less productive than when I have meetings back to back to back. It also makes me not want to be at work.

I feel better when I put on my headphones and have music, podcasts, or good books, but lately it seems that the best way to get a really annoying phone call is to turn on my music. My phone rings almost immediately. So I don't turn it on, even though it would make me happy, because I'm too anxious about getting pulled away from whatever task I've started.

I need to buy new jeans. I've gotten too chubby for these ones to be comfortable. Because of my height and my weird way of carrying extra weight, jeans don't fit well. Ever. And going shopping for them is a nightmare.  I know that the size on the label is a lie and has nothing to do with my self-worth and that if my clothes actually fit, I look and feel better. I just hate going shopping for jeans. Ugh.

Last night, I went to the spa and had a nice lady rub lavender oil into my scalp, hair, and neck. It was lovely and wonderful and I actually went home on a work night in a relaxed state. While there, I made a silly decision to treat myself to some rich body lotion. I liked the scent and the promise of "shimmer". It's more like "glitter". I didn't see it when putting it on this morning, but...yeah. I'm going back and forth between GLEE and WOE IS ME.

My thumbs and wrists are getting back to normal, so I've been able to start crocheting again. I'm working through my yarn stash, focusing on getting through my cotton yarns by making dishcloths. It's a little bit of luxury and practical. I like being practical. I've also made a rug for Emi's dollhouse and a coaster for my desk out of the scraps at the end of the skeins. As I work through my stash and work through the saved projects on my Pinterest page, I've been moving the projects to a new board: I did this!

Duolingo is still a good thing. I'm getting really confused by the pronouns and the form that I use for different cases or different genders. One of the downsides of this form of learning is that they never say "This goes with this and this is the pattern and this is why". They want you to learn "organically" or some such nonsense. Bah. That's not how my brain works, so I bought a laminated study guide. I need to find the pronoun section and figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be learning.

I started a Facebook page for my henna work. I decided that, if I want to build my "brand", I need to keep growing. Since I only have so much skin and so many opportunities to draw on other people, I've started drawing designs in a notebook and posting a new one daily. I draw with a marker without an underlying sketch, since that's how I apply henna. I know I could use an eyeliner or watercolor pencil to sketch on a person before applying henna, but I haven't yet gotten to a point where I want to get that complicated.

I love my kids. They're stinkers sometimes, but they're also sweet.

I'm out of graham crackers at work. This makes me sad, since I still have half a container of Jif Whips Peanut Butter with Chocolate. It's basically frosting. It's so good.

Thursday - Trick-or-treating is the best thing EVER, according to Emi. She was Spider Emi and Ox was Officer Alex. I took them up and down our street, then dropped Ox off at home and took Emi to some other houses in town. We capped off the night with french fries and the inevitable negotiations for how much of the candy they got to eat at one sitting. The answer: not as much as they wanted, darn it.

Friday - Bad. Very bad. Extremely bad. I went home at noon in the middle of a panic attack and cried the rest of the day away. Very, very bad.

Saturday - Still bad, but I could function a bit. Watched some football, snuggled with kiddos. Drank a whole lot of wine in an attempt to relax.

Sunday - Got woken up by a call from work. My customer upgraded overnight and the project they wanted to go in required about 5 steps done in reasonably correct order for it to work. They didn't do the last step

Pulled myself together enough to go out shopping. Downwood needed his hair cut and we needed to go to Woodman's for groceries. And I needed paint and some yarn for two projects I really wanted to do: a new hat/arm-warmer combination for me and a pair of fairy wings for Ox. He's obsessed with Emi's and we don't judge.

Got home, finished up Little Guy Sasha's birthday present (so cute. OMG. I hope Au likes it, because I had super fun making it). I also made a scarf for me. I had this weird purple netting with sequins that I made into an S-scarf after seeing it on Sewing With Nancy that morning (http://wpt.org/SewingWithNancy/Video/sew-amazing-scarves-part-2). Emi likes watching the sewing shows with me on Sundays. This is a nice thing.

Sunday evening was rough, but not out of the ordinary.

Today - I got up, checked work email, moved meetings around. Went to the doctor. Had an anxiety attack shading into a panic attack in her office. Got a prescription for Xanax to take on the really bad days. Got a doctor note to get me out of work today and tomorrow. Got recommendations on how to modify my other meds to even things out.

The Xanax is really messing with me. Like whoa. I'm packed in cotton wool and can't really enjoy anything, but I'm not panicking or freaking out, so that's nice. I'm still sad, but it doesn't really seem to matter right now. I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to run away, so those are both good things.

I got in the car to go to dance class, but didn't make it out of the garage. It's probably for the best, since it's a long drive and I'm probably not safe behind the wheel right now.

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If you've made it this far, I have a request. If you have a loved one with severe anxiety disorder or clinical recurrent depression or both, could you drop downwood  a line? He's coping as best as he can with two kids and a wife who's not all here right now, but it's starting to wear on him. I think he needs new strategies.