cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

My eyelid is twitching again. Past experience tells me that this is due to a toxic buildup of stress. This is actually unsurprising.

I'm on the phone, listening to confusion and frustration about ICD-10. I would rather be home with a book and tea or taping together and tracing patterns. This doesn't really seem like a hard choice.

I bought a bunch of candy on Half-Price Chocolate Day (Monday). My desk drawer is now a dangerous and magical place.

The manatees tell me it's okay to say "No" when asked if I'm okay. http://calmingmanatee.com/9 This is an important message.

I spent my fabric budget for the month. I got sparkly snowflakes and a couple different blues (not sure what will match best) for some Elsa clothes for Emi. I got flowers for another Moneta dress. I got crazy strips for another Ina maxi skirt. It means I won't buy a KnitFix, but that's okay.

I had a really delicious lunch. I love our werk cafeteria most days.

My nails may not make it to Saturday. This makes me sad, as they're pretty cool right now. It's the Literary wraps http://espionagecosmetics.com/nailed-it/literary.html with a gold glitter topcoat. Also, my thumbs are summoning a chthonic ancient deity. We all win. Or lose.

And now it's time to jump on yet another call where I may or may not get yelled at. Luckily, the manatees are backing me up. http://calmingmanatee.com/22

Pulled out one of my hand braces today. My right thumb is threatening to secede from the rest of me. Not good.

I'm listening to the audiobook of "The Thirteenth Tale" by Diane Setterfield. I highly recommend it for fans of literature. It's not fantasy or sci-fi, just fiction. Stories within stories, yo.

Had a call today with a customer rep I don't like. The dislike is mostly because she talks over me and doesn't let me get a word in edgewise. It's very frustrating, especially when I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is and I'm only trying to help, dammit.

Project of Doom is one step closer to complete. I've finally passed it off to QA. Now to wait and see if I need to do a fix log or if we found all the weirdness already. Nailbiting time.

The people at work are making Emi's cookie-selling dreams a reality. I left the order form in the break room. It's both frightening and inspiring how many people want cookies and, by definition, want to support my kiddo in Girl Scouts. Heartwarming.

I don't have TB. The nurse read my test today, so I'm good for another year. Yay.

I have only one more meeting today. It's at 4 and may go to 5:30-6. Ick.

Last night's checks were for making my weekly stock-up run to Aldi, Skyping with Emi, and cutting the lace overlay panels for our cream skirts. I did a little serging and got a bunch of seams pinned and ready to go for the next time I have 20 minutes free.

This morning's checks have been for asking for a med change (my next visit is 7/30, which CANNOT COME SOON ENOUGH), eating healthy breakfast, enjoying the morning, and trying not to freak out.

I'm planning on a long walk at lunch. I've also started the process with my insurance company to try to do something about my jerkbrain.

I have a new marker for my sketchbook. I have meetings all afternoon. I have my crochet bag hidden under my desk. I have let Downwood and my folks know the timelines that I'm "volunteered" at the werk picnic this coming Saturday. After my performance shift is over, I'll be able to play and kick back with them.

I have no attention span. I have no more iced coffee. These two things are probably related.

I have a pretty skirt, pretty jewelry, and a purple shirt. I have ideas for at least three more tattoos. I have a way to get some extra cash to pay off my credit card and get us a little out of the hole we're currently dug into.

Eye of the Tiger. Yus.

Current Projects and Status

• Summer dresses for Emi and Sophia - All sewn, just need some sparkly trim topstitched to the neckline. 
• Ivory pencil skirt - Need to cut side panel overlays from stretch lace. Then serge together.
• Ivory A-line skirt for Emi - Need to cut an overlay from stretch lace. Then serge and elastic.
• Half-slips - Fabrics and lace are washed for both my black slip and nude slip. I need to measure, cut, serge, hem, and elastic.
• Stripy A-line skirts for Emi and me - Need to double-needle hem and put in elastic.
• Peacock blue Moneta dress - Fabric is washed and new bodice pattern drafted. Need to cut, serge, hem, and wear.
• Turquoise pencil skirt - Fabric washed. Need to cut, serge, hem, and wear.
• Black and turquoise color-blocked pencil skirt - Fabric washed. Need to cut, serge, hem, and wear.
• Feather and Solid color-blocked t-shirt dress - Fabric washed. Need to cut, serge, hem, and wear.
• Gold iced velvet trumpet skirt - Pattern located. Need to cut, serge, hem, and wear.
• Other projects in bins in my cupboard
  
  • Victorian underthings - chemise and drawers. Already cut, just need to sew
  • A blouse with ruffles - Already cut, just need to sew.
  • Set of placemats for MiL - Fabric gathered together, but not yet cut out.
  • Wine coat - Fabric cut. Need to sew.
  • Quick shoulder bag - Fabric and notions gathered together, but not yet cut out. I want a bag I can roll up inside my laptop bag for traveling. My purple purse is wonderful, but it doesn't fit inside another bag well.
• I have one more Girl Charlee package on the way. It contains material for a sekret project and a maxi skirt. I'm excited!

This actually makes me feel better. There are things I can do that will result in beauty added to the world. And using the stuff I already have downstairs is good. And making plans for the near future makes my jerkbrain quiet down on some of the most destructive things. It's the same reason I bought stuff on eBay when I was in grad school and things in my head were really bad - I can't kill myself today, since I'm expecting a package next Tuesday. I need to stick around until then to pick it up. It's why now I buy more books and music than I could possibly ever listen to and why I buy more craft supplies than I'll ever use. I don't have a good cutoff to say No to myself for these things.

But, I don't need to order any new fabric right now, seeing as how I have quite a list in various stages of Done. I like skirts. I like dresses. I like making things for Emi. I like making things for family. I like my serger.

1. I feel cute today. I have my purple Soda Fountain dress from Mod Cloth and a sparkly hair thingie from Calico Garden.

2. My meeting from 12-1 only took 23 minutes instead of an hour. I got to eat!

3. I have three different green holographic glitter top coats. I've identified which of these I like the best over this dark teal base coat. My fingertips are mermaid-themed and it's wonderful.

4. I finally finished listening to "The Strange Affair of Spring-Heeled Jack". It was...a thing. Neat AU, neat concept, but the whole digression of Jack's backstory seemed out of place. Weird.

5. "Sparrow Hill Road" is a lovely ghost story. I'm about 2/3 through and like it enormously.

6. Crochet is helping me meditate and remain calm and collected. I'm pretty sure this is a good thing.

7. In the next year or so, my TL's promised to help me move to a role that I think will make me happier. It's something that I've wanted for a long time, and it'll be a slow transition, but it's something that's a good thing. Someday. Someday.

8. We have no plans for either Saturday or Monday of the holiday weekend. We have card games, a fire pit, and a smoker. Anyone want to come over and relax together?

I've completed a crochet project. The pattern is for a shrug, but I think it looks kind of nice as a lap blanket. It's beautiful and I picked out the colors because they're my favorite, but I could also give it to my cousin for his wedding. And then I wouldn't have to make anything new for them.

But, hey! I finished a craft project! I have some leftover yarn to use up, but not as much as with some other projects. I've already made a cute hat from some of the leftovers and have enough that I can probably get another hat out of it. Probably. Maybe.

It's kind of nice to have "Practice gratitude" on my HabitRPG as a daily thing to checkoff. I'm trying really hard to eliminate toxic "should" from my internal monologue, so I don't want to think "I should be more grateful for the good things I have". Instead, I'm trying to frame it to myself as, "Take a couple minutes to close your eyes and tell the universe that it's awesome and there are awesome things in it.". Praying seems fake to me these days, as I'm a terrible Catholic and don't really know what I believe in.

I'm wearing one of my new custom eShakti dresses today. It's this dress in navy blue with elbow-length sleeves. http://www.eshakti.com/Product/CL0030769/Fifties-style-poplin-shirtdress ; I have cleavage LIEK WHOA, so if I take this on a customer trip, I must pack either safety pins to close up the neckline a touch or a camisole. It's poplin with no stretch, but since I bought it in a custom size, it fits me absolutely perfectly. And it has pockets big enough for my Kindle! Score!

Hm...it appears I can get this dress in bright red or black, too. I'm not seeing a downside, here. I need cool 50's style shoes, though. That'd make this over the top and wonderful.

Both kidz have head colds. Poor kidz.

Ox is way ahead of Emi on the 1000 Books Before Kindergarten sheets. It helps that I can read him 6 of his books in the same time it takes me to read Emi 1 of hers. I love reading to them. Books are love. I've spent so much of my life living in other worlds and seeing all sorts of love and life and different experiences.

Speaking of books, my sister finally read the copy of "Eleanor & Park" that I gave her for Hogswatch. She called me, shrieking, "THIS BOOK IS DESTROYING ME!" Yup. Pretty much. Everyone else is just going about their lives while we've had our hearts ripped out and shredded by a work of fiction. Stupid perfect book. I highly, highly recommend it. So good, so terrible and beautiful and perfect.

Work is eating my brain. I'm backing up people and their customers are flipping out about things that don't warrant panic. And my customer work hasn't gone down. Damn. I'm really looking forward to the last Friday in April - I have a mental health, do henna at local studio, vacation day scheduled. Tired of people being bitchy at me. Blah.

Why are people panicking at me?! It's not like there's more than one of me and I'm not messing up your system on purpose. Gah.

I can't say enough good things about the web vendor eShakti. They have really high quality clothes and for a trivial fee, they'll make the clothes to your exact measurements! I've bought a couple dresses from them and they all fit perfectly, flatter my body, and are made with really nice fabric. And pockets! And since they ask for your height, the "below knee" length is actually below my knees!

So, yes, today I look like a grownup in my pretty purple dress and gleaming mary janes. My hair is crazy and I ran out of energy to put on makeup, but I look like a grownup and I feel pretty.

Ox came out super early and snuggled with me. Emi also got up early and "helped" me get ready.

I have more meetings today than are healthy. I have a couple NYTimes crossword puzzles to get through.

I did some really lovely henna last night on some really lovely ladies. There are quite a few people on YouTube who should have thought about their costuming choices a bit more. I didn't get enough sleep, but that's usual for Monday nights.

I have two shamrocks in my purse. Each of my kids made me one yesterday. They're awesome kids and I'm going to proudly display these on my wall at work.

Coffee is fantastic. So is having a couple extra minutes to grab breakfast at work.

I can do this. Eye of the Tiger.

My favorite scarf is now permeated with my favorite perfume. This makes for a quick pick-me-up at the end of the day.

My local customers are understanding when I arrive late for a call on a morning with SURPRISE! MOAR SNOW!

My calendar does not have a single minute today that's not booked in meetings. Not. One. Minute. FML.

The Salon article about white bellydancers being evil and racist....I'm uncomfortable with the vitriol expressed. I've been trained in American Cabaret style, which is a departure from Raqs Sharqi, with occasional departures into regional styles. I've always thought we were approaching it with respect for the tradition and just a love of dance. When I've tried other folk dances, I've enjoyed it, too. I don't get mad about other races dancing the dances of my people (English-German-Midwest), so it boggles me that someone would be so angry about someone else enjoying learning about their country's dances. Maybe that makes me racist.* I don't know.

Getting the right person on the call to explain how their side of our product works = amazing. When I say "I don't understand why it did this", it's partly because I don't even know where to start. When he says, "I don't understand why it did this," it's because he's dug into it, looked at everything he could, and can explain the reasons why.

I really like this shop's lotion. It's total shea butter amazingness. My skin LOVES it. https://www.etsy.com/shop/FoamOnTheRange

I also really like eShakti these days. It's nice to get dresses that fit exactly to my measurements. It depresses me when I see how big they are, but then I put them on and they fit perfectly and I feel pretty, so I'm trying to tell my jerkbrain to shut up, these dresses are awesome. I'm an Amazon. I'm more busty than before I had kids, I have hips, and I'm taller than 86.3% of women**. It's okay that my clothes are a bigger size than "normal" sized people. They fit, and that's a good thing.

I adore being on calls where I can talk intelligently about what's going on. The ones that fall directly in my area of expertise and things that I had to learn through trial and error and bad experiences that now I can help guide others away from making those same mistakes. I think it makes my customers feel loved and confident that they're getting the best support possible.

I don't like it when people talk over me. I don't like getting interrupted. I'm trying to practice active listening, but it's hard.

Coffee is life. Since having the kiddos, my stomach won't let me drink black coffee. I have to abuse it with cream and sugar - granted, usually very tasty cream and sugar - but still I drink a lot of it, especially on days like today.

Why is it snowing? Why is it snowing AGAIN? Will this winter never end?!?!

I wish my office wasn't so far away from water fountains and kitchen. I'm thirsty and want water, but am on the phone. Maybe I should summon my minion and order him to fetch me a beverage.***

I can't find my passport. I need to get it renewed I found a certified copy of our marriage certificate, the correct form, and where to go to get pictures, but my passport wasn't in the drawer where I thought it was. It might be in the basement. Eek. I want to have my passport available in case we suddenly come into some money and decide to escape this endless snow for a tropical cruise.

I'm doing a bunch of online shopping today. I'm trying to not spend the money, just look, but I'm so tempted just to have something to look forward to. I want to buy wigs for costumes I haven't worked on in ages. I want to buy organization stuff and fabric for projects that I'm totally stalled out on. I want so much and I know it won't make me feel better, but still.

Hey! A call is over early! Maybe I can actually eat lunch!

Running away, running away!

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* - I wouldn't be surprised to be called racist. I grew up in VERY white towns, so didn't get much exposure to other cultures until college. I was sheltered and naive and trying hard to overcome it and be sensitive and all that crap
** - No, I have no sources to cite. I'm making it up on the spot.
*** - Part of my job is helping new techs with customer work, get them up to speed, and then fade into the background. My latest trainee is in my office over and over all day asking questions. Maybe it's time I use his hovering to meet my needs.
**** - Days like today make me crazy. I don't like being on the phone and being this sedentary. My Fitbit's on the floor of my car, so I won't get credit for the steps, but right now, I care not.

I didn't go up to the stores last night. I thought that it'd be wisest to just go home, given that I got out of work later than I'd hoped and the roads were a bit sketchy. I'll go tonight instead.

I'm really, incredibly, overwhelmingly sad today. Having trouble functioning. This does not bode well for productivity or good, understanding customer service.

Local Dance Studio has another Living Social deal for cardio dance/fitness classes. Their picture is a bellydancer I've never seen before. Definitely not the incredibly photogenic studio owner. Sigh.

My sister sent me a text of my adorable nephew smiling this morning. It's a good thing. I was also able to post a picture of a happy Ox giving me a thumbs-up this morning while Emi was still sacked out.

I should call Mom today. Maybe on my way up into town tonight. I need to check on how Stepdad and Grandpa are doing.

I should write xmas thanks cards this weekend.

Maybe I'll surf the Disney Cruise page some more. It'd actually be incredibly reasonable to take all four of us on a cruise next winter. Maybe Ox'll be talking by then. We can hope. My big concern is, of course, the kiddos' allergies. And the stress of travel with small kids. Maybe I should just look for cruises for Downwood and me. I looked at some Nile cruises, but the single person cruise price was as much as the 4-person Disney cruise and flights to FL are much less $ than flights to Cairo. Dunno. It's nice to look at hot and sandy pictures today.

Maybe I'll just shut my office door and cry for a bit. I don't think it'll actually help me feel better or be productive. Maybe. Probably not.