friday yay

Jun. 10th, 2016 01:02 pm
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Lots and lots and lots of anxiety feelings today. I slept in, so I'm actually feeling rested, but I'm heading to the airport in a couple hours. This creates massive anxiety that I then get to deal with. What if I get there late? What if I miss my flight? What if something goes wrong? What if I can't find my carpool people? What if the hotel didn't actually get reserved? What if I lose something in transit? What if something goes wrong at home? What if the kids get sick? What if Downwood gets sick?

Downwood and the kids came up to have lunch with me. We walked around the new buildings and had a good time. I got to hold onto both kids and get big hugs from them. They left to go get their swimsuits - it's supposed to be 90 today, so they're going to go swimming. I already miss them.

And my phone has been ringing off the hook. My patience with today's shenanigans is wearing thin.

Less than an hour and I head to Dallas. Whee.


Jun. 8th, 2016 01:22 pm
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Heading to Dallas on Friday. I get back Wednesday night.

Heading to Baltimore next. Have to be on-site for 12-hour shifts July 1-3. I will then take a couple of recovery days and die.

Am having a high anxiety day. This GIF is very helpful, but doesn't actually fix things.

Kids are both out of school for the summer.

I have a crapton of homework to do for this CS class.


I'm getting my hair cut in about an hour. And I put on nail wraps (EC Literary, for those playing along at home). And things are going to be okay.

It's just not okay right now.

Rainy day

Mar. 31st, 2016 10:41 am
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The view from my window today is not motivating. It is gray and rainy and icky. Bleah.

I'm wearing "I don't care" clothes today. Bright red palazzo pants (so comfy), xkcd shirt, UW ball cap, WtNV hoodie, and my favorite walking shoes. This doesn't actually improve my mood at work, I've found. If I look nice, I think I do better work, since I feel better about things. At least I'm comfortable.

Emi and I are continuing to cheer each other on in our 30 Day Plank Challenges. It feels good to do this with her, even as she's CRUSHING ME. Her starting baseline time was 30 seconds longer than mine. I'm so proud!

I felt virtuous last night. I finally submitted my nominations for the Hugo ballot. I worked primarily from my Goodreads shelf, sorting by publication date. Turns out that I'm REALLY BAD at reading new books in a timely manner. Lately I've been really bad at reading in general. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I really wish they served booze at work. This phone call is killing my soul. I've explained the same thing approximately SEVEN THOUSAND TIMES. Argh.

Platypus Evolution and Octopus Evolution are stupid time sinks, but they're oddly soothing little games. The critters rapidly become things that wouldn't look out of place at a petting zoo in Night Vale. I like it.

I'm on an anxiety roller coaster spiral deathmatch today. Various unpleasant emotions are cluttering up my mind. I'm using the tricks and tools from years of therapy and meditation, but it sucks.
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Jerkbrain is being loud. To drown it out, I feel the need to list my accomplishments from the weekend.

In no particular order:
  • Got to go to Med Hookah with Downwood. Got to sit with lots and lots of friends. The conversation was good, the service was INCREDIBLY SLOW, the dancing was good. Like, we got there at 7:30 and got drinks. We didn't get drink refills until 8:30 and didn't get our food until after 9. No bueno.
  • For going to Med Hookah, I dressed up. I did full makeup, including getting to use my new eye shadows from Espionage Cosmetics ( I also pulled out a somewhat springtime dress covered in bright sunflowers with a reasonably trendy neckline (
  • I decided I didn't like any of my other spring dresses and made a new dress for Easter. I found several yards of a floral print on what I think is a scuba knit. It's a minty teal with white flowers. I'm guessing it was from Girl Charlee, but I don't actually remember. I made yet another adjustment to my favorite dress pattern ( and had a custom fit, very pretty dress for Easter.
  • I got to go to Easter Brunch with Downwood, kids, and MiL. Emi ate ALL THE SHRIMP. Alex ate the snacks that we packed. We didn't want to risk cross contamination with other foods for him. I drank mimosas and ate probably too much. I didn't need dinner later. It was delicious and fun. The kids are generally very well behaved in restaurants, which helps make outings like that enjoyable.
  • I made muslins of both my new M4M patterns. I finally figured out the shoulder fitting issues I was running into with the shirt ( I also got lucky with my test run of the dress ( I made a peplum top, since I didn't want to commit the fabric required for a dress. Downwood loves it.
  • I did lots of laundry. Three loads on Saturday and five on Sunday. I am very glad that we have an HE washer and dryer.
  • I read a little bit, including finishing Seanan McGuire's new book. I am torn. While the book got disjointed in the last 1/4, it was an accurate reflection of the inner turmoil of the 1st person narrator. I still enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to the next book with our third and final narrator.
  • My MiL liked her birthday presents. I made her a cardigan. I also found a set of fancy dishes on Zulily. She has had fancy Christmas dishes and now she has some fancy summer plates and mugs. Covered in flowers, yo. COVERED in flowers. Very much her style.
  • I finished up the Happiness pack on Headspace and have started on the Stress pack. Stress seems to be yet another visualization pack, using the same imagery as Balance and Self-Esteem. It's good, though. I need the practice.
  • Emi and I continued to crush our 30 Day Plank Challenge.

See, jerkbrain?! See?! I did a lot of things and did them well! Nothing to be ashamed of! NOTHING!
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I'm wearing leggings today that I made. I finished them on Saturday, along with a mostly matching pair for Emi and cardigans for my Mom and MiL. The cardigan for my MiL was going to be for me, but is ever so slightly too small across my shoulders. Pity. The cardigan for my Mom has the best stripe matching that I've ever done. My leggings have unintentional nearly perfect pattern matching around my knees. The width of the pattern on the fabric just happens to match the circumference of my knees, apparently.

I was able to catch up at dance last night. The new choreo is Greek and very fast, but folk-ish, so mostly footwork. Years and years of marching band have given me a good brain for footwork. Mostly.

Everyone seems to be mostly well. I'm still rattly through my chest, but don't feel nearly so wiped out with this cold as I did over the weekend. It was a good thing that I didn't have to do anything or leave the house. Ugh. Alex is back to normal. The nebulizer is amazing and I'm very glad we have it.

I think I have two shirt patterns altered to mostly fit. I need to add length - I am NOT 5'5" - but I graded between sizes and the shirts seem to fit well. I still need to hem both shirts (boo) but they look nice as proofs of concept. For those playing along at home with the PDF patterns, it's the P4P Slim-Fit Raglan and the M4M Mama Mya. Next on the block of "Patterns I want to make fit me" is the M4M wrap dress. It's adorable, but I'm worried about making it right. If all continues to go well, I'll be able to take some of my cheap, shapeless tunics and remake them into cheap, well-fitting tunics. Fingers crossed.

I have PLANS for more sewing projects. The Werk Giant Conference of DOOOM's theme is Wonderland, so I plan to take full advantage. I have a steampunk-ish Queen of Hearts outfit planned and have sourced decent jersey for the making of Queen and Cheshire Moneta dresses. And leggings. And maybe tunics. I care not if I get to do official work cosplay. I'll make these anyway just because I can. I might actually have something new for the costume convention. That'd be spiffy.

I've had a hard time lately being interested in books. That's okay. My worth as a person isn't determined by how many pages I read. Yes, even if it's a book I've been looking forward to.

If I meditate tonight (which of course I will), I'll complete one of my resolutions. I will have gotten a streak of 100 days on Headspace. I think this has made me a better person. I'm nearly certain it's made me more balanced. It's absolutely given me tools to let me just enjoy and experience life instead of always regretting or anticipating.

I get to see my sister this weekend. We're going out for sister time. No husbands, no kids. Just us. And the soundtrack to Hamilton. I'm inflicting it on her. She'll curse me because she'll be forced to purchase a copy. Mwahaha.

I really don't want to finish my work day today. I want to go home and sleep. I am very, very tired. It's Tuesday. This correlation is strong for a reason. That reason is Monday nights are late.

Things are okay. I am not a failure. My jerkbrain is wrong.


Feb. 19th, 2016 12:51 pm
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ThinkGeek has leggings printed with the computer screen images from Star Trek. They have them in plus size, so I looked at the hip measurements and bought some.

I haz a disappointed. They don't fit particularly well - weirdly baggy and the rise wrong. The fabric is pretty see-through, which is not optimal for leggings. The fabric isn't 4-way stretch, so I can't even take these apart and remake them with my Peg Leg pattern.

My serger has spoiled me.

I watched the Hamilton performance from the Grammys on YouTube. I had to buy the album. It's super good. I like it, but I need to listen about twenty more times to accurately identify all the voices.

One guy in St Louis thinks that I sit at my desk and twiddle my thumbs and just wait for him to give me things to do. He doesn't seem to understand I have competing priorities. And that I don't like him.

I've been Pinning images for possible Wonderland costuming. I haz ideas.

I've been seriously thinking about my September's Watchful Dress cosplay, too. Ideas, I say.

The thing I'm writing with Downwood is up to 72.5k. Whoa.

There's just too much all around right now. I'm having problems focusing. Just...ugh.
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When I say I'm having a "high anxiety day", I'm not accurately representing what happens.

I'll be trying to concentrate on something - writing code, solving a problem, listening to complaints, helping a new person - and something will change in my head. Sometimes it's just that I look at Facebook. Sometimes it's being nervous about an upcoming meeting or conversation. Sometimes it's my uterus trying to make me crazy. Sometimes it's nothing at all.

A wave of worry starts to take over. My stomach clenches, my throat gets tight, and my breathing gets shallower. I'll sometimes start looking for a way to physically leave whatever situation I'm in. I'll stop being able to focus on whatever it was I was doing. Instead, my brain spins out of control down paths of worry and panic, usually with some self-loathing and sadness thrown in for good measure.

My coping mechanisms change slightly depending on where I am, whether I'm around people, and what I'm meant to be doing. I almost always follow these steps, though.
  1. Realize that it's happening. This can be slower than you'd think.
  2. Try to take a deep breath or seven.
  3. Mentally say, "Yes, this is 'feeling' and I've been distracted by it. It's unpleasant and is worry/anxiety/stress/whatever".
  4. Focus on a single physical sensation and observe it for a few seconds
All these things help get a little distance around the feeling and I can usually get back to what I was doing. Sometimes I'm able to get up and take a short walk - get water, get tea, get lunch, go look out a window, or just take a lap of the building. Sometimes I can't leave my office, but I can get up and pace the length of my headset cord. Sometimes I can grab my headphones and listen to an SOS session on Headspace. And sometimes I need to take some Xanax to make it all easier to manage.

So all that happens in a fairly short time frame - just a couple minutes, usually. But it doesn't happen just once on a high anxiety day. It could be once an hour or once every five minutes. I label a day as high anxiety when, at some point, I feel like I'm spending more mental time dealing with anxiety than not.

It's not necessarily accurate, either. Brains like to make patterns out of bad things, but not out of good things. I have a hard time seeing that I'm building new, healthier patterns with some of these coping tricks. It's easy for me to know when I'm having a high anxiety day, but not so easy to know when I'm having a low or no anxiety day.

So I take my medicine, go to therapy, and work on meditation. I doodle and draw tiny lines over and over. I walk and try to spend time thinking about good stuff. I choose not to go into some situations - conventions, gatherings, etc - where I expect to be overwhelmed more often than not. It probably wouldn't be the case, but I'm usually not confident enough to want to risk it.

This is just my experience with anxiety fueling my depression and vice versa. I don't expect this to be the same as anyone else. This is just how it is with me. And so when I say that I'm having a high anxiety day, you may understand why I tend to go with the "list of things makes a post" method of blogging.
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This weekend was not good for anxiety. My hormones did their monthly BURN IT DOWN, SALT THE EARTH thing. I'm handling anxiety better these days, but still needed some Xanax to get through the worst spots.

There were highlights, though.

I did a lot of drawing. Emi drew with me.
I did some reading. Alex demanded the same couple of books over and over.
I got a pedicure.
I did a ton of laundry.
I sat on the couch in my Star Wars mermaid blanket and wrote on my laptop.
I made brownies. And bacon. And tea.
I talked to my sister.
I helped build a Lego Millennium Falcon. Then put Maz and her lightsaber into the cockpit.

So, not a terrible list of accomplishments. There was a lot more I probably should have done, but this is enough.

This week already looks kind of awful on the "have to do things other than hermit in my house" front:
Monday - Therapy. Then dance. Then drive home with several fresh inches of snow.
Tuesday - Collapse in my usual Tuesday fog
Wednesday - Haircut
Thursday - Maybe, MAYBE go to a Crochet Club meeting thing.
Friday - Collapse?

sabine: (Default)
Today is a high anxiety day.

I don't really have a good reason for this - Downwood's home and has new meds for making his blood pressure be not scary. Both kids are well and back at school. I'm back at work and knocking all sorts of things off of my to-dooom list.

I'm wearing my new comic book Peg Legs, a new tunic, and the new boots my MiL gave me for Hogswatch. I finished the foundation series on Headspace and have moved to one that claims to help manage anxiety and worry.

Still, it's gray and rainy outside. It's drizzly. The house is a wreck. I've not planned out any holiday meals. It's still the dark time of the year. It's still the time when I beat myself up for not being perfect - even more than usual.

I know it'll be okay. I'm doing the things I need to do to break out of the mental loop of bad. I'm going to go get some lunch, take a walk, and look at something other than my computer.

M'eh. Two more days of stuck at work and I'll have a week and a half off. Can't come soon enough.
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My jerkbrain tries to keep telling me that I'm a horrible person, a failure, not worth anything, and all the assorted nonsense that goes along with it. I mostly know I'm none of those things, but the jerkbrain is loud and inside my head, where things seem to be true.

And so now I list the rebuttals to the jerkbrain, because it's the only thing I can think to do right now to make it shut the hell up.
  1. I am eating donuts because donuts are delicious. Also, I bought extra donuts and delivered them to a friend at work. This made both of our days better.
  2. I have pretty much all xmas gifts sorted. Just a couple last things to do. Yes, I went over budget in some cases, but it's going to be okay.
  3. I am making art when I doodle. It's not the high-falutin' gallery art, but it's pretty and it's mine.
  4. My kids are awesome. Alex was deeply impressed by my outfit today - dinosaur xmas sweatshirt and socks with dinosaurs in santa hats. He and I share a certain love of ancient reptiles that Emi and Downwood don't necessarily understand.
  5. Nine more working days until holiday break.
  6. I won something in an internet random-number generator giveaway! And it was something I really wanted! I may never win anything online ever again, but it's worth it. The something? Seanan McGuire's most recent album, full of monster movies and mad science. Woot! I say, WOOOOOT!
  7. I have a haircut tonight. My bangs will finally be back under my control.
  8. I am almost able to breathe normally. There are still things happening in my bronchial passages that are unacceptable, but for the most part I sound normal again.
  9. I bought Scott Bradlee's album of holiday piano jazz. It's lovely.
  10. I'm allowed to fend off a panic attack by any means necessary. I'm allowed to do what I need to do to keep moving. It's fine.

stay good

Nov. 18th, 2015 08:44 am
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I will not impulse purchase more cute clothes. Yes, retail therapy feels good. Yes, I like looking cute. Yes, I have far too much stuff and I don't need to bring more into my life before I KonMari the hell out of my bedroom.

I will actually try the meditation app I downloaded. I can find 10 minutes in my day to be quiet and reflective. It won't be the same 10 minutes in the same place daily, but I can commit to this for 10 days before getting a subscription.

I will try to not stress about presents. Presents don't have to be perfect. I don't have to find the exact thing that will show that I understand a person, care about them, and know what's lacking in their life. "Good enough" is, in fact, good enough.

I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be good enough. I have to try my best at things, but I need to keep a sense of humor and relaxation. Perfect is a lie. Pinterest is a lie. Advertising, movies, and TV are lies.

I need to remember how to relax. Coloring books are awesome.

I will do the things that make me happy. I will do the things that let me try to be better than I am.

I will attempt to let go of worry and fear and anxiety. I may not succeed, but I will acknowledge that these feelings exist, that I have them, and that I don't actually need them most of the time.

I will read with my kids. I will give hugs. I will praise, smile, and be a good enough momma.

I will not flip out about the pile of things one of my customers just emailed me for a meeting in 68 minutes when I have another meeting for the 60 minutes directly before that meeting. Eep.
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Nine more hours and I can stop thinking about work for almost 3 weeks. Nine more hours and I can go home and snuggle my kids, even the one who helpfully gave me this head cold. Nine more hours and I can go home, eat dinner, put kids in bed, and put myself in bed.

Tomorrow I will be running around like a madwoman. I have a haircut at 9:30 and a therapy visit at 11. I have to do laundry - mainly sheets and towels, but whatever's in the baskets since Sunday is fair game. I need to hem two pairs of pants and a skirt. I need to hug my kids over and over. I need to clean - mostly just picking up mess in the bathrooms, kitchen, and den. I need to pack. I need to not panic.

I also need to get rid of this head cold. I'm in the "fuzzy thoughts" stage, which won't help the next nine hours any.

I know this trip will be amazing once I'm on it. Right now, I'm terrified and wishing I was just taking this sabbatical as another stay-cation. Those aren't as adventurous, but also not NEARLY so anxiety-producing.
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Anxiety brain is kicking into overdrive today. Here are some of the things:
  • Major program I need to do my work decided to just not load today. Uninstalling and reinstalling didn't help. PANIC!
  • Restarting my computer to help Major Program work. Outlook didn't want to come back up. PANIC!
  • Customer is being dumb about organizing a meeting. They keep changing the time, now to a point where I have to miss another meeting I should really go to. PANIC!
  • I'm doing a Lucy makeup test today. I'm wearing Bright Red Lipstick. I don't even. PANIC!
  • My shirt, though cute, is snug. My skirt is also snug at the top. All chub on display. PANIC!
  • My shoes, though EXTREMELY comfortable, are neither trendy nor adorable. PANIC!
  • Werk crazy times start on Monday. I have to be dressed, makeup, hair, and doing a Lucy impression by 7:15 Monday morning. I don't know how to do the hair yet. I need to binge watch more episodes to be able to do a decent impression. PANIC!
  • I need to re-henna my hair. We have out-of-town guests this weekend. How am I going to both dye my hair and practice styling it and get my hemming done and my laundry done and iron my clothes for next week and do my fantasy football draft with work group and get the house picked up and get all the things accomplished and still be a decent host and talk to my friends and admire their offspring and and and and and PANICPANICPANIC.

My shirt is bright blue. It has Karen Hallinon's illustration of Stitch wearing Jayne's Cunning Hat. It is teh cute.
sabine: (Default)
Yesterday afternoon, I almost forgot about a therapy appointment. Luckily, I'd put a reminder in my phone for an hour before. My phone buzzed, I scrambled to get my work done, and ran out the door to the appointment.

Themes: I need to learn to delegate. I need to trust that things won't fall apart if I'm not the one doing them. All the things I'm freaking out about that are coming up in the next couple weeks are things that I'll likely enjoy a lot. The excitement is mostly nervous anxiety about all the things that could go wrong instead of all the things that are going to be awesome.

I then made it up to the mall in just enough time to get dinner and go to dance.

Just one problem. My dance bag was still at home. My home is a 45 minute (with traffic, minimum) drive from the mall. There were not 90 minutes remaining between "now" and "dance class starts".

Well, crap.

As Downwood put it, it's the first time he can EVER remember that I've forgotten my dance bag. Forgotten individual pieces, yes. The entire dance bag, no. I've been taking classes for 8.5 years, so that's actually a pretty good track record.

I went into the grocery store to buy my usual Monday dinner. I also bought some roses, since that's a healthier treat than the very expensive box of chocolates that I really wanted. And I went home. I snuggled my kids. I read books with them. I got to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour and then laid in bed thinking anxiety thoughts. Dear Scooter couldn't crack the internal monologue at all.

I'm wearing a nice dress today. I didn't do my hair or anything - I just didn't want to deal with trying to find clothes that matched. I bombed my Mensa daily calendar puzzle. I'm overcaffeinated and feeling like a hot mess.

I know each of these things individually are not actually that bad, but my brain isn't buying it. I'm doing the cognitive behavioral therapy/socratic method thing where I take each thought and tell my jerkbrain that it has no logical feet to stand on. I still feel like a mess, though.

Sigh. This is not how I wanted my Tuesday to go.
sabine: (Default)
Today is a high anxiety day. There are some internal/biological factors (period, headache, neck/back ache, tired) and some external factors (job has high stress, new problems that MUST BE FIXED NAO). I've finally admitted that this isn't going to go away by itself due to FAR too much worry and stress about today, so I will take my meds, get something to eat, and work on one thing at a time.

I will also try to recap the weekend as best as I can.

After spending nearly 11 hours at or near my desk, home was a wonderful place to be. I went to bed early because work was so darn early.

I did a little laundry and a little sewing. Most of the sewing was clearing the scraps and remnants from my sewing table and getting my fabric stash (some of it, anyway) into order. In the process, I cut out a pair of pants (P4P Palazzo FTW) and found two projects that were cut and just needed to be sewn.

During the afternoon, I started to get anxiety flashes about going to MH for the evening. My brain says "It's a social situation, so you should PANIC", even though it doesn't make much sense.

I got through it, put on a new dress, and took Emi up to MH to watch Ozma dance and hang with Au and family, RH, and newer dancer K.

Holy buckets. Ozma is AMAZING. The costume and the zils and the WOW! It was worth getting home super duper late.

Laundry day. Sewing day. Tired day.

In the evening, Emi had a T-ball game. It was late in the evening (7 pm) so it could be "under the lights". They divided the kids into three teams and each team got two chances to bat and two to field. And, of course, every kid got to score a run.

Emi's batting form is way better than most of the other kids. The problem with her fielding is that she's playing the game as she's meant to: stay in your position and cover your assigned area. The other kids....not so much. They were mobbing the ball and pretty much ignoring where they'd been assigned on the field. One of the boys would run from third base, over to first base to get the ball, and then would run with the ball to home plate. No throwing it to team mates, just going for personal glory. Little fucker. So Emi didn't like fielding because she never got a chance to catch or throw the ball.

Got to my desk bright and early. Looked at my phone and remembered that I had a med check up in Madison. Luckily, I was at my desk early enough to make it to my appointment on time. It was a sad appointment since my doctor - the one who's been treating me for 6-7 years - is leaving the clinic. So I have to get a new dr. Yay.

Work was just...ugh. So many competing priorities and people demanding. Just...I need to get to my sabbatical. I need a break from this. I'm nearly back to having panic attacks just walking in the door. Not cool.

Because the T-ball game got over at 8pm, we'd promised Emi that she could have a lemon ice on Monday instead of right after the game. So I sat in the Culver's drive through for 15 minutes, waiting on a small meal for me and a lemon ice for her. When I walked in the door, Ox nearly mugged me for my fries and drink (fruit punch, since I was expecting this) and Emi tore into her treat.

I'm very tired. The Advil, Xanax, lunch, and music are starting to help. I still have a crapton of things to do, but I don't feel like telling my backups I'm sick and need to go home.

Tonight is for picking Emi up from dance, doing some back-to-school shopping (Emi's going to be in FIRST GRADE. How'd the time go so fast?!), getting a fast-food dinner, and then sleeping.

Upcoming calendar - Nothing until Saturday. Saturday, if it's not ghastly hot, will be for dressing up in steampunk and going to the Ren Faire in Bristol. If it's ghastly hot, we'll stay home and not get heat stroke.

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Friday - Brain shut down at work about 3:30. That's fine, since I'd been here since 7:15. I worked on one last thing and was out the door close to 4:30. That was a good decision. Stopped at the store to buy treats: chips for Ox, lemon ices for Emi, wine for Downwood and me. Had a reasonably quiet evening.

Saturday - Had internal guilt for most of the day about not going over to Faire. It's opening weekend and wasn't terribly swampy. Instead, Emi and I ran errands. We got her hair cut and I was so, SO proud of her. She told the stylist exactly what she wanted and continued to ask when the cut wasn't exactly what she was thinking. The stylist wanted to know my thoughts and I told her that it's Emi's hair and Emi's decision. We went to Target for house supplies, HyVee for fruit/veg/snacks, Orange Leaf for a treat, and Little Caesar's to grab a pizza for Daddy.

Orange Leaf sells frozen yogurt, yes. But they have three flavors that are dairy-free, so Emi can have them! Luckily, she likes pineapple, pink lemonade, and orange. Also luckily, they seem to have all of them available now, so she can have a choice.

After lunch, we watched some TV, read some books, and got some snuggles in. I also made the kids pick up the living room. They weren't thrilled about that, but eventually agreed that it was easier to run, jump, and practice their American Ninja Warrior skills when the floor was clear.

Late in the afternoon, I took Ox to Culver's. He'd been CRUSHED when I took Emi after softball and didn't take him along. So. Sad. I'd promised him on Wednesday that we'd go out, just us, and get a treat. So we did. He ate some fries and acted silly. I ate some cheese curds and was given a free sundae (probably someone messed up an order).

Sunday - LAUNDRY. As usual. And some sewing. I still didn't hem anything, but I got two more dresses for Emi cut and about half sewn. Next on them is the binding around neck and arms. Pretty easy.

Downwood mowed and I played some Guild Wars with friends. Emi and Ox got sent to timeout and then suspended from screen time for most of the day after ripping apart a booklet that went with one of their sets.

Starting in the afternoon and then going through the evening and bed, the anxiety started to get worse and worse. My temper gets short, I have a hard time focusing on anything, and I don't want to eat. Not fun.

Today - Work kind of sucks. The continual treadmill of too much to do, too many competing priorities, and a lot of pressure to be perfect. I really wanted to call in sick just so I could catch up on some sleep and maybe hem something. And take Emi to swim lessons. And hang with Ox while Emi has a dentist appointment. And take Emi to dance again on my own way to dance.

My office mate being constantly on the phone and me feeling like I got no sleep are contributing to the panic that's simmering right below the surface. No fun.

This week:
  • Today - Dance class
  • Tomorrow - Med check (actually yay!), pick up Emi from dance class
  • Wednesday - Try to leave work on time to catch the end of softball practice
  • Thursday - Nothing
  • Friday - NDN and Teacher M party. I probably won't have enough people points to stay the whole evening. Not sure.
  • Saturday - Werk picnic. Folks are coming up to enjoy and wrangle kidz. There will be swimming after.
  • Sunday - Laundry and packing because...
  • Monday-Thurs - in Dallas for werk.
sabine: (Default)
My work calendar has meetings every minute from 9 AM to 5 PM. I have a hair cut at 6, so I can't stay much past 5:15. I'm taking tomorrow and Monday off, so I have a pile of things to do a mile high. I'm getting through them, but also getting all sorts of other "Can you please look at this before you go?".

I'm listening to Amy Poehler's book ("Yes Please"). It's pretty amazing. After seeing "Inside Out", I bumped this up to the top of my "listen to" list. It's worth it. So worth it.

The construction guys have resumed drilling right outside my window. This is not helping my headache any.

I'm trying to decide on a tattoo and whether I can afford one before our Germany trip. My birthday tattoo will be the start of my cardinals. This is my memorial for my Grandpa T. The start will be a male cardinal on an oak branch. If all goes according to plan, it'll be years before I add the female cardinal - Grandma G is still doing well. But I'm feeling the need to go in for something small. Maybe adding the other pair of swallows to the right side of my chest. Maybe an infinity with kiddo names (cliche and trendy, yes, but if I have Emi write her own name and put Ox's on when he learns to write...). Don't know. It's just that there's an awful lot of bad inside my head right now. I lack the guts to actually do anything about it, but getting a tattoo is an interesting way of taking that impulse and turning it into something beautiful.

We have a train ride tomorrow. I will go to JoAnn's and look at cheap knits and fabric dye. I will get an oil change like an adult. I will finish the palazzo pants I cut last night and I will wear them proudly. I will get through this day, even though my calendar and everything is conspiring against me.


May. 8th, 2015 05:22 pm
sabine: (Default)
Took a half Xanax at 11. It did nothing and I had no extra emergency Xanax in my purse. I worked anyway and tried not to let the panic overwhelm everything.

My nephew has a fever and is feeling like a spider monkey, so my sister isn't coming to visit this weekend. I miss her like crazy and know this was the best decision for her and my nephew Bash.

I wore my sunflower Myrtle dress and got lots of compliments. I should make another of these some day, while cowl drapey necklines are still in style. I wore sandals and didn't get giant blisters on the balls of my feet.

I am very, very sad. And anxious. And not handling anything well. Damn.

sabine: (Default)
The weekend was good. Ox played in the sandbox as much as we'd let him. We put up a swing in the tree on Sunday. Emi played on it as long as we let her. She also wrote a nature book "Emily's Guide to Bugs and Guide to Plants" about her observations in the backyard. She wrote all the words and drew the pictures. It's precious.

I didn't clear off the spare bed, but I did work on organizing my sewing table. I got almost all my printed patterns into envelopes and the envelopes sorted into magazine organizers in my cupboard. Bonus: I found my Ina maxi skirt pattern. I immediately cut out two more skirts from it, this time sizing *down* the waist and upper hips, but leaving the fullness from knees down. The fabrics I had earmarked for the skirts are a lighter weight, so I think a smaller size will help them stay up.

I wore one of my recently hemmed skirts to work on Monday. After I wash it, it's going on the pile of fabric to be reused. I'm just not loving it. It's black with multi-bright stripes, but it's so see through that I'm forced to wear a slip under. Not fun. I'll use it for sleeves or trim somewhere that transparency isn't an issue.

Dance class Monday was good. We did drills to ZOMG!FAST song (Ya Tab Tab, for those playing along at home) and our free dance to a slow, floaty song. The choreography is slightly breaking my brain and we're in the section where the drums are running away with everything and the rest of the orchestra is all like "We'll see you at the end of the song. Cool? Cool".

Med check yesterday. We're changing one of my doses. If I was taking high blood pressure medicine, I'd be monitoring and taking the full dose to get my numbers where they need to be. I wouldn't take a little dose and say that "It's lower, so it's good enough". So it goes with this med at this time. It will help the anxiety monsters to not be so overwhelming. I like being a present, active participant in my life. So this should be okay, really.

Ox had an anxiety attack over the weekend. I don't remember what we asked him to do, but he just shut down and couldn't be consoled. So I dunked him in the tub long enough to get the sand out from between his toes and off his face, then tucked him into bed with his lovey, stuffy, and bottle, then just sat with him in the dark. No books, no songs, no chatter. Just being there so that he wasn't alone. I told him that I understood and that it's okay. Emi doesn't seem to have anxiety like he and I do.

Last week, freezer waffles were on sale for $1 a box, so I bought some and brought them to work. Now I can have peanut butter toast for breakfast. Life is good.

I still don't want to be at work. I want to be home. I want to read my book, drink tea on the back porch, and work on my sewing/craft projects. I also want to be able to just stare at the wall and not think about things. I don't have many meetings today, which is good and bad. Good, because it means less structured aggravation. Bad, because now I have to fill my time with Useful Things and not stress about everything else.

So it goes.
sabine: (Default)
Walking out of dance class last night, I had an epiphany about many of the activities and groups I've enjoyed over the years. I like things best when I know what to expect going in. Things like Girl Scouts, speech and music competitions, church group, Mock Trial, gaming, classes, haflas, and others all have an agenda. They follow patterns. Sure, there's variation and different kinds of stress, but for the most part if you go through it once, the future instances of that activity will have the same general pattern.

This is important to me. I need routine and structure. I can manage my time at work - actually I hate being in meetings all day long - but I have my worklists and things that have to get done and I can rely on that. It's when all hell breaks loose and everything goes up in the air that I can't handle it well. This is doubled or tripled if things are going haywire while on site. I have to squelch the panic at the time and save it up for when I'm alone.

It's only in the last couple years that I've begun to understand that I've been dealing with varieties of anxiety disorders for a long, long time. This goes back a long ways. I'm not very good at "hanging out". I get nervous and anxious if people just want to sit around and see what comes up. I'd rather run and hide and read a book. If it's something like "We're going to go to this hafla and then go get pancakes after", I can prepare and I know what to expect. There might be issues, but I can generally handle them.

I don't always flee from new scenarios. It just takes a lot of mental preparation and fear to get to the point that I can pretend like I'm having a good time. And then I flee as soon as possible. After that first encounter, though, I can generally go back a second time easier.

Why is this important? I'm not sure. It's just what I'm thinking about...instead of doing work. It's rattling and being pesty in my head.

And now, I wander over to the cafeteria and hunt and gather a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup. It's one of those days.


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