![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coping mechanisms
Feb. 17th, 2015 10:59 amWalking out of dance class last night, I had an epiphany about many of the activities and groups I've enjoyed over the years. I like things best when I know what to expect going in. Things like Girl Scouts, speech and music competitions, church group, Mock Trial, gaming, classes, haflas, and others all have an agenda. They follow patterns. Sure, there's variation and different kinds of stress, but for the most part if you go through it once, the future instances of that activity will have the same general pattern.
This is important to me. I need routine and structure. I can manage my time at work - actually I hate being in meetings all day long - but I have my worklists and things that have to get done and I can rely on that. It's when all hell breaks loose and everything goes up in the air that I can't handle it well. This is doubled or tripled if things are going haywire while on site. I have to squelch the panic at the time and save it up for when I'm alone.
It's only in the last couple years that I've begun to understand that I've been dealing with varieties of anxiety disorders for a long, long time. This goes back a long ways. I'm not very good at "hanging out". I get nervous and anxious if people just want to sit around and see what comes up. I'd rather run and hide and read a book. If it's something like "We're going to go to this hafla and then go get pancakes after", I can prepare and I know what to expect. There might be issues, but I can generally handle them.
I don't always flee from new scenarios. It just takes a lot of mental preparation and fear to get to the point that I can pretend like I'm having a good time. And then I flee as soon as possible. After that first encounter, though, I can generally go back a second time easier.
Why is this important? I'm not sure. It's just what I'm thinking about...instead of doing work. It's rattling and being pesty in my head.
And now, I wander over to the cafeteria and hunt and gather a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup. It's one of those days.
This is important to me. I need routine and structure. I can manage my time at work - actually I hate being in meetings all day long - but I have my worklists and things that have to get done and I can rely on that. It's when all hell breaks loose and everything goes up in the air that I can't handle it well. This is doubled or tripled if things are going haywire while on site. I have to squelch the panic at the time and save it up for when I'm alone.
It's only in the last couple years that I've begun to understand that I've been dealing with varieties of anxiety disorders for a long, long time. This goes back a long ways. I'm not very good at "hanging out". I get nervous and anxious if people just want to sit around and see what comes up. I'd rather run and hide and read a book. If it's something like "We're going to go to this hafla and then go get pancakes after", I can prepare and I know what to expect. There might be issues, but I can generally handle them.
I don't always flee from new scenarios. It just takes a lot of mental preparation and fear to get to the point that I can pretend like I'm having a good time. And then I flee as soon as possible. After that first encounter, though, I can generally go back a second time easier.
Why is this important? I'm not sure. It's just what I'm thinking about...instead of doing work. It's rattling and being pesty in my head.
And now, I wander over to the cafeteria and hunt and gather a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup. It's one of those days.
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
