cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Yesterday was awful, awful at work.

Today work is going to be awful, awful again.

I don't sleep worth a damn anymore, Fitbit just tells me what I already know.

I started surfing cruise line websites this morning. I'd like to have a gaming cruise where we pack books and dice and bring friends and eat buffet and game and sleep for a week. Money means it's not going to happen, but it's dark and cold and I'm sick of real life right now.

I'm thankful for coffee and email from my family. I'm thankful that Ox went back to sleep last night after I woke him up when I made it home super late. I'm thankful for hugs from Emi. I'm sad that I'm caught up on Night Vale and have to wait for new episodes to come out.

I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I'm thankful for good surgeons. I'm thankful for my mute button. I'm thankful for henna and that I seem to be pretty good at this. I'm thankful for a husband who is nothing but supportive in my quest to constantly learn new things and always offers encouragement when I whine about not being instantly good at something.

And now the most whiny, nasal person in the world is on this conference call. FSM help me.

So Downwood and I are trying to figure out this coming weekend. The original plan was to head to his mom's house Saturday morning and spend a couple leisurely days with her. There are two complications with this.

Complication 1 = Health
Complication 2 = Weather

If I can make it to 3:30, I'll have a short window where I can breathe, and I'll be able to make it to 6.

If I can make it to 6, I'll be able to go home. I'll get dinner, a glass of whiskey, hugs from my kids, and maybe even a chance at playing some video games. No alone time, but I should have enough People Points to make it through. I'll be able to make it to tomorrow.

If I can make it to tomorrow, I'll be swamped with meetings again. I won't get any work done, but I'll get yelled at about things that aren't necessarily my fault. I will make it through.

If I can make it to Friday, I stand a good chance of getting some things done at work. Maybe. We'll see.

If I can make it to Saturday, I get to go to the zoo!

If I can make it to Sunday, I get to restart my brewing.

Then it's Giant User Conference of DOOOOOOOOM at work and I have to be here by 7 every day "to make the experience good for our customers".

Sigh. No People Points for me for the near future.

Someone from high school shared a picture to Facebook over the weekend. It's full of poison. It's "15 Things To Stop Doing To Be Happy". I read it more as "15 things to want to stop doing, but end up doing more of because you're not living up to this unreasonable expectation". Here's the list:

1. Doubting yourself
2. Negative thinking
3. Fear of failure
4. Destructive relationships
5. Gossiping
6. Criticizing yourself and others
7. Anger
8. Comfort eating
9. Laziness
10. Negative self talk
11. Procrastination
12. Fear of success
13. Anything excessive
14. People pleasing
15. Putting others' needs before your own

Really? I look at this and think these things

1. I'm pretty sure they mean the destructive self doubt that tells you you wouldn't be able to do X anyway, so why bother trying? But really, doubting your preconceptions and prejudices is a good thing. Using the doubt to challenge is good. And sometimes, knowing that you can't do something is okay.
2. Okay, yeah. But saying "Stop this" isn't the way to make it stop. You have to learn new patterns. This is hard, takes a freaking long time, and did I mention that it's hard? Also, it's really, really hard if you think "Oh, I just have to stop thinking this way" without having the tools to change your patterns.
3. Again, pretty sure they mean the fear that stops you doing something in the first place. But there's also the fear of failure that makes you work harder so you succeed.
4. Okay, this one is acceptable. But, still, it's not something you can just stop overnight without serious intervention.
5. They probably mean the poisonous talking behind others' backs. I can agree with this.
6. Hold the phone. First you want me to say "I will have no negative thoughts because negative thoughts are bad" and now you say I can't criticize myself? And doesn't part of my job - both as a parent and as a worker - involve giving criticism? Granted, they probably mean the destructive poisonous criticism that broke me growing up, but if you never give any negative feedback because you're afraid of criticizing, that's just not helping anyone.
7. No. Anger is a useful tool. They probably want you to avoid wrath or losing your cool or losing your temper at someone. It's okay to get angry. You don't get to tell someone what emotions they can or can't feel, even yourself. Saying "I refuse to feel this emotion" is a good way to make all sorts of jerkbrain patterns. Emotions are what they are, you get to choose how you react, but not what you feel.
8. Again, combining this with some of the other ones all at once is not a good plan. You need time to get into healthier habits. Just stopping without having a support structure in place is a recipe for failure.
9. It's okay to take downtime. It's okay to stare at a wall. The chores will still be here tomorrow. It's okay to be occasionally lazy. As a way of life, I agree that it's not healthy, but seriously? Being busy every minute of every day will give you a complex.
10. I think I said what I needed to say back at #2. But, again, these patterns run deep. Changing them isn't a matter of saying once, "I'm done!" and having it magically be so.
11. Yes, I procrastinate too much. Yes, I should probably get things done in a more timely manner. But sometimes you can't do everything. Maybe it means that I shouldn't commit to as much, but this is how it is for now.
12. I'm just going to roll my eyes that they put fear of failure and success this far apart in the list. Yes, I know that being afraid you'll do either really well and be expected to do it again and again is out there and can be just as vicious as fearing that it's all going to go pear-shaped. But saying "Stop it" without saying "Here's a strategy" isn't helpful. It's hurtful.
13. Sequins. Laughter. Tears. Excess is okay. Moderation is okay. Abstention is okay.
14. There's this thing called "customer service" that I have to do if I want to be able to keep paying my mortgage and having food. That means people pleasing. Yes, it kills my soul to have to put up with the crap that comes at me on a daily basis, but I don't so much have a choice if I want to keep this lifestyle.
15. So you're not a mom, a dad, a pet owner, or a best friend? Got it. My kids' needs come first. Period. When they need me, I'm there. Just as when I need her, my mom is there. Yes, there are things I have to do for me - dance being the big one - and I make time for it. But if Ox gets sick, you can be sure that I'll call AJ and say that I won't be in the show on Sunday because sick kid trumps all. Period. If my best friend called with a crisis, I'd drop my work to talk her through it. That's what being a friend or a parent is about. It's not that there's no room for personal priorities, but by agreeing to care for someone, you have to make room for their priorities to become yours.

Argh. Poison. I'm still stressed about SitG this weekend and am trying to unpack those thoughts. How much of it is true anxiety about my piece not being awesome enough and how much of it is my jerkbrain doing its thing? How much of it is really feeling unprepared and how much is my skewed perceptions and constant exhaustion?

Now to hurry up and finish breakfast before my morning meeting series makes me utterly crazy.

Weekend kind of sucked, as expected.

• My new haircut is Extremely Awesome and Cute To The Max. Downwood says that it takes about 10 years off my age. I'm not sure that's a great thing, but I kind of love it.
• I got my chemise and drawers all cut out. I got most of my red coat cut out but had a crisis of layout. Now I have to hope that the fabric still exists at JoAnn's. Either I laid it out really badly or I bought fabric intending to make the shorter style coat. Either way is a total OOPS.
• I did Mt. St. Laundry.
• I played a lot of GW2. I also played with Emi and snuggled with Ox.
• I stayed up FAAAAAR too late Saturday night for work. Sunday was really rough, especially since Emi crawled in with me very early in the morning, then was running around early. Grumpy Momma. Very, very Grumpy Bear Momma.
• I didn't get to go to either the UW workshop or show. This ticks me off. I love dance. I love our dance community. I wanted to support my friends. Dammit.
• Today, I'm in a room with my whole customer team for one customer and have three other customers freaking out at me over email. As in, completely losing composure and using the CAPSLOCK OF RAGE.

I feel sick to my stomach and sick at heart.

Things that make me crazy at work:

• The phrase "Please advise".
• Mis-spelling that as "Please advice."
• Asking when I'm available, then moving the meeting to a time I said I wasn't available and being surprised when I can't make it.
• Giving me an issue that's two years old and expecting me to figure out what happened.
• Calling, asking if I "have just a minute" and proceeding to take up an hour or more.
• Not learning. Asking the same question every week so that I give you the same answer every week. I have a toddler: I know how to play this game.
• Being out of bandaids and having my cracked fingers bleed on my keyboard
• The constant feeling of overwhelmed stress and paranoia
• Not being at home with my kids

My usual work day consists of anywhere from 3-7 hours of previously scheduled meetings and usually an additional 1-2 hours scheduled at the last minute. It's a continual mystery to me as to when exactly I'm supposed to be dong work, but that seems to be not the point these days. Suffice it to say that I'm on the phone for the vast majority of the day and running around like decapitated poultry the rest of the time.

I spent Monday and Tuesday this week sequestered in a room with other awesome techs. A customer that got dropped on me needed some serious help. So we all dropped everything and chipped in to make them happy. I'm on vacation tomorrow and Monday due to bellydance extravaganza. So that means I needed to move all my Monday, Tuesday, and Friday meetings into Wednesday and Thursday.

Did I mention that I got a new customer dropped on me? And that a customer I backup got thrown at me at the last minute and they expect me to pay as much attention to them as their primary?

I'm going crazy and am frazzled nigh unto breaking. It's taking all my coping skills to not totally freak out. Ugh.

House update
75% of the Really Heavy boxes have been moved. All hail Downwood, Phil, and Aaron for moving them! That means that all my books, all Downwood's books from the spare room, and all the gaming books that were in the living room are now in the new place. Still to be moved are all the gaming books from the basement library.

Also, the front living room has been painted. My camera needs new batteries, but once that's taken care of, I can snag some pictures. Yes, it was the easiest room to do, but we wanted to have something done that we could cross off the list. It looks pretty snazzy.

Still to move: Kitchen, furniture, clothing, pictures, and all the miscellaneous crap still lying around. Still to paint: Two walls in Peanut's room, all walls in master bedroom, and the chalkboard wall in the kitchen.

Peanut update
Yesterday marked 33 weeks. Due to laundry issues, I had to wear a different tank top than usual to dance class last night. It's a bit more form-fitting than what I'd been wearing and I'm more spherical than I was. My instructor looked at me and asked how long I had to go. Upon hearing that the EDD is 7 weeks, she shook her head and said, "Six weeks. At the outside. Paint the nursery first."

Did I mention that her daytime job is a nurse on the OB unit at one of the hospitals in town?

This makes me pretty happy, as it means that I'm more likely to have a newborn at my sister's wedding than still be waiting. Though, if Peanut isn't early enough, I won't be able to travel. Dang calendar having all the cool things - wedding, State Fair, Peanut - all in the same week!

Work update
My TL is supportive and helpful. Most of the people I work with on a day-to-day basis seem to think that I know what I'm doing. My customers go back and forth between being full of praise and wanting me to bring them the moon. It sounds like it should be going well, but I'm still not feeling like everything's all right.

Of course, I haven't gotten to take any time off since January, so that might have something to do with the burnout. You know, just maybe.

Brain update
Not so good. Still having panic attacks, paranoia, severe self-image problems, and in general getting back to where I was a couple weeks before I ended up in the hospital. It seems to have leveled off - it's not getting any worse - but it's also not getting better. I want to say that I'll be fine when some of the current stressors are out of my life, but I don't know that for sure.

I'm still moving, still doing things, still eating and sleeping, so that's good.

Rain update
Rain's newest trick is starting to go on a walk, getting about two houses away, and then turning around to come straight home. We think this is because it was pretty hot out for a week or so, but she thinks that she should get to do that all the time.

I can't hardly wait to let her out in the new back yard. It's probably getting fenced this upcoming Friday or Monday. We've confirmed that there are squirrels, bunnies, and birds that all hang out back there. Downwood's put down money that she's going to get carried away chasing them and run smack into the fence. I don't think she's quite that much of a dingbat, but she's surprised me before.


So what's new with you?

I have only one more day left on my current team at work. Based on how this week has gone, all I have to say is "About fucking time!"

I adore my coworkers. I work with some of the nicest, funniest, and nerdiest people I've ever met. There is a lot of laughing, even when we're arguing about the best way to be doing something in the code. Heck, I even was given an award today for all the work I've put in on making one of our processes better and changing the way we do things.

But the customers and the panic and overreaction and expecting miracles? That, I will gladly do without. My right eye is almost constantly twitching and my hair is falling out in chunks. I'm also overeating and drinking too much when I come home at night. These are all bad things that I hope this new team will help with.

Bleah. Guitar Hero is still fun, I still like to cook delicious food for my wonderful husband, and my dog is still the cutest greyhound ever.

The garden is 90% planted. I have basil, cilantro, and parsley seeded in pots on the back porch. There's a row and a half each of edamame and green beans. The snow peas are planted, but I still have to build a trellis for them to vine onto. I have a row left in my garden plot that Downwood gets to pick the veggies. If they're seedlings, it won't be a problem to plant them this weekend.

The kitchen is still clean. The dishwasher will be full with tomorrow's dishes, so Downwood can start that. The trash is taken to the curb. All the loads of laundry are washed, dried, and put away.

My laptop bag is stocked with book, crochet, and Bones. It also has my chargers, power cords, and other peripherals necessary for a traveling Sabine. My clothes bag is pretty much packed - just have to throw in my liquids, gels, and pastes and the one shirt that's still drying.

I have printouts of all the really important things, notes on the medium things, and phone numbers of people who might be able to talk intelligently about the rest.

So why do I not feel ready?