cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Yesterday saw me heading home after work instead of going to dance. These cyclical panic attacks are just not good for me. I can't do anything and feel miserable about it. I took a Xanax, read a terrible book, and eventually calmed down.

This morning, I woke up not panicking, so decided to try something that might work. I put on a sparkly shirt, a shiny jacket, black pencil skirt, and my tall black boots. I put my hair up and my top hat on. If I look like someone who's got it together - someone big and bold and bright.

I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror - or even looking down at myself. I see someone fat, ugly, and not worth the time. Someone who's trying too hard and isn't worth the space she takes up. I have some small hope today that a top hat and sequins will make me more of a worthwhile use of space. This is not a good way to be thinking about oneself, but I'm trying to be honest here and that's what I look like from the inside.

http://music.sjtucker.com/track/ask-me-anything