Heading to Dallas on Friday. I get back Wednesday night.

Heading to Baltimore next. Have to be on-site for 12-hour shifts July 1-3. I will then take a couple of recovery days and die.

Am having a high anxiety day. This GIF is very helpful, but doesn't actually fix things.

Kids are both out of school for the summer.

I have a crapton of homework to do for this CS class.

BUT

I'm getting my hair cut in about an hour. And I put on nail wraps (EC Literary, for those playing along at home). And things are going to be okay.

It's just not okay right now.

I will not impulse purchase more cute clothes. Yes, retail therapy feels good. Yes, I like looking cute. Yes, I have far too much stuff and I don't need to bring more into my life before I KonMari the hell out of my bedroom.

I will actually try the meditation app I downloaded. I can find 10 minutes in my day to be quiet and reflective. It won't be the same 10 minutes in the same place daily, but I can commit to this for 10 days before getting a subscription.

I will try to not stress about presents. Presents don't have to be perfect. I don't have to find the exact thing that will show that I understand a person, care about them, and know what's lacking in their life. "Good enough" is, in fact, good enough.

I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be good enough. I have to try my best at things, but I need to keep a sense of humor and relaxation. Perfect is a lie. Pinterest is a lie. Advertising, movies, and TV are lies.

I need to remember how to relax. Coloring books are awesome.

I will do the things that make me happy. I will do the things that let me try to be better than I am.

I will attempt to let go of worry and fear and anxiety. I may not succeed, but I will acknowledge that these feelings exist, that I have them, and that I don't actually need them most of the time.

I will read with my kids. I will give hugs. I will praise, smile, and be a good enough momma.

I will not flip out about the pile of things one of my customers just emailed me for a meeting in 68 minutes when I have another meeting for the 60 minutes directly before that meeting. Eep.

Yesterday was quite the thing.

I worked all morning and then took off at noon. I had my inaugural visit with a new psychiatrist. My old one left that practice and my insurance insisted that I start seeing one of their people. Fine, but my records didn't get transferred to my new Dr. Argh, especially since my job with the Evil Empire is to MAKE SURE THESE THINGS HAPPEN, PEOPLE!

Luckily, we live in the future, so I was able to pull out my smartphone and tell my dr what meds I'm all on and roughly when I started each. It's super cool to be able to see this in both my dr app and Walgreens app. Super helpful!

Since I didn't know how long the appointment would be, I took the afternoon off of work. This was nice, since I was able to get a PSL and head home. I watched cartoons with Alex and taped together a couple printed patterns. I got most of a dress cut out for Emi, but I need to iron my fabric and just couldn't deal with it.

I got to hang with Emi after school and hear all about her trip to Cave of the Mounds. I got to check my work email and try to not snarl at people who ask silly questions.

Then, I got ready for the show! I ended up wearing an off-white long sleeve shirt, my Peg Leg leggings (because I thought it would be cold), one of my 32yd skirts (black on top, white ruffle, and gold ruffle on bottom), and a white corset with a little black lace and black binding (couldn't find a belt that looked right). I also put on a bunch of white eyeshadow, glitter, and a pearl choker.

I had a quick dinner with the family and then headed up into town for the show!

Side note: I didn't have to psych myself up to go to this show. I didn't worry about looking ridiculous or that I'd get lost or that everything would go horribly wrong. I think my anxiety lives in Night Vale. I'm strangely okay with this.

I found parking about 4 blocks from the theater. On the way from the car to the theater, I put on my bustle and my wrap. When I came up to the theater, I turned on the lights in my bustle and wrap.

So. Many. "ALL HAIL!" It was AWESOME and made me feel loved.

I waited in the line to get in, got anxious when RH couldn't find parking, but she drove by, gave me my ticket, and sent me in to stake out seats for us.

The crowd was super fun. There were LOTS of costumes, but only two other glow clouds. And our glow cloud costumes were WAY better. There were Eternal Scouts, Old Women Josie, opera goers, pretty sure there was a John Peters (you know, the farmer), and others I couldn't identify. The demographics of the crowd were neat. There were really young kids (10-13yo), college/grad students, professionals, and grandparent types. And we all cheered super loud when Meg (Proverb Lady) came on stage.

The show was fantastic. I was NOT a fan of the musical group for the bridge and the Weather. Just...not my jam. Good, but not what I like to listen to. The story of the show was fun, being able to see the voices was super awesome, and the live background music by Disparition was great! The story was a little short, especially in light of how many songs Dessa sang before the show started, but it was fun, suspenseful, and full of all the things that make Night Vale own my soul.

I got home about 10:50. I came in, dropped my stuff, and immediately had to start cuddling Alex. He was up crying. We walked around the house and snuggled on the couch for a bit. I got him back in bed, Downwood got a new nightlight for his room, and he was getting settled when I saw the dry, super cracked skin on his wrists and feet. I put some aquaphor lotion on, but it hurt so bad that he started sobbing again. He eventually calmed down, but not until after I laid down on the floor next to his bed so that he wasn't alone.

He fell asleep. I went to bed. He woke up crying again. I went in, got him to go back to sleep. I went to bed. He started crying. Downwood went in. Sleep. Crying. Momma in. Sleep. Crying. Daddy in. Through all this, we never actually figured out what the problem was. No words means communication is hard. No words and tears mean communication is nearly impossible.

At some point, Downwood brought him into our bed to sleep. Poor dude. Neither Downwood or I got good, solid sleep as a result.

We let Alex sleep as long as we could this morning. At the absolute last minute, I woke him up enough to ask if he wanted to go to school because it's Farm Field Trip Day. He said a sleepy yes. Then there were LOTS of tears as I got him ready. Getting dressed was hard, having something to drink was hard. Getting some lotion on the bad spots was hard. He didn't cheer up until he was in his jacket and had his backpack on and some rice crackers to munch. Poor little guy.

Kids got off to school and I got myself to work...about 30 seconds before my first meeting of the day. Now, I'm going from meeting to meeting, trying to pay attention and be my usual awesome self. I'm very tired and the coffee is starting to wear off (eeeeek).

I just have to get through 8 hours of today and then I can go home. I can make Emi a new dress for Ren Faire this weekend. I can figure out something to wear for me. I can snuggle Alex and help him feel better. I can go to Walgreens and get the new meds. I can do these things.

I'm wearing my new Night Vale t-shirt and my Night Vale hoodie. I have music and podcasts. I have some very good books queued up on my Kindle. I can do this.
 

Today is a high anxiety day. There are some internal/biological factors (period, headache, neck/back ache, tired) and some external factors (job has high stress, new problems that MUST BE FIXED NAO). I've finally admitted that this isn't going to go away by itself due to FAR too much worry and stress about today, so I will take my meds, get something to eat, and work on one thing at a time.

I will also try to recap the weekend as best as I can.

Friday
After spending nearly 11 hours at or near my desk, home was a wonderful place to be. I went to bed early because work was so darn early.

Saturday
I did a little laundry and a little sewing. Most of the sewing was clearing the scraps and remnants from my sewing table and getting my fabric stash (some of it, anyway) into order. In the process, I cut out a pair of pants (P4P Palazzo FTW) and found two projects that were cut and just needed to be sewn.

During the afternoon, I started to get anxiety flashes about going to MH for the evening. My brain says "It's a social situation, so you should PANIC", even though it doesn't make much sense.

I got through it, put on a new dress, and took Emi up to MH to watch Ozma dance and hang with Au and family, RH, and newer dancer K.

Holy buckets. Ozma is AMAZING. The costume and the zils and the WOW! It was worth getting home super duper late.

Sunday
Laundry day. Sewing day. Tired day.

In the evening, Emi had a T-ball game. It was late in the evening (7 pm) so it could be "under the lights". They divided the kids into three teams and each team got two chances to bat and two to field. And, of course, every kid got to score a run.

Emi's batting form is way better than most of the other kids. The problem with her fielding is that she's playing the game as she's meant to: stay in your position and cover your assigned area. The other kids....not so much. They were mobbing the ball and pretty much ignoring where they'd been assigned on the field. One of the boys would run from third base, over to first base to get the ball, and then would run with the ball to home plate. No throwing it to team mates, just going for personal glory. Little fucker. So Emi didn't like fielding because she never got a chance to catch or throw the ball.

Monday
Got to my desk bright and early. Looked at my phone and remembered that I had a med check up in Madison. Luckily, I was at my desk early enough to make it to my appointment on time. It was a sad appointment since my doctor - the one who's been treating me for 6-7 years - is leaving the clinic. So I have to get a new dr. Yay.

Work was just...ugh. So many competing priorities and people demanding. Just...I need to get to my sabbatical. I need a break from this. I'm nearly back to having panic attacks just walking in the door. Not cool.

Because the T-ball game got over at 8pm, we'd promised Emi that she could have a lemon ice on Monday instead of right after the game. So I sat in the Culver's drive through for 15 minutes, waiting on a small meal for me and a lemon ice for her. When I walked in the door, Ox nearly mugged me for my fries and drink (fruit punch, since I was expecting this) and Emi tore into her treat.

Today
I'm very tired. The Advil, Xanax, lunch, and music are starting to help. I still have a crapton of things to do, but I don't feel like telling my backups I'm sick and need to go home.

Tonight is for picking Emi up from dance, doing some back-to-school shopping (Emi's going to be in FIRST GRADE. How'd the time go so fast?!), getting a fast-food dinner, and then sleeping.

Upcoming calendar - Nothing until Saturday. Saturday, if it's not ghastly hot, will be for dressing up in steampunk and going to the Ren Faire in Bristol. If it's ghastly hot, we'll stay home and not get heat stroke.

Long day at work, but left promptly at 5. And then got stuck in the traffic trying to leave work.

Seriously, the fuck? The traffic situation at work is an abomination before the lord. There's no quick or efficient access. It's supposed to be charming and rural but is primarily frustrating and awful.

Still, Amy Poehler's book is good and worth listening to.

I made it back home in time to catch the tail end of Emi's softball practice. I took her to get her lemon ice after, much to the dismay of Ox. I had to promise Ox that he and I would go and get a treat, just us, in the next couple days. Things need to be fair, yo.

Tomorrow's going to suck. My calendar has meetings straight from 8 to 5. No breaks. This is why I try to get to work by 7:15, people. I may skip my meeting at 9 so that I can work on things that one customer has decided are OMG!CRITICAL. They're critical because the people who are supposed to be working aren't, so now it's an emergency on my part. Yey. Also, I'll be skipping the meeting from 12-1. Priorities, people. Priorities.

At least the webfolks unblocked Pandora, so I can listen to my calming music stations again. I have one that plays Great Big Sea (yay bouncy folky Irish) and one that plays mostly girly bluegrass. And other stations, but those are the ones I like best. This is the song that the latter station is based around. I adore it, though the YouTuber got some of the lyrics wrong. Bastard. https://youtu.be/EhQmyQdRDTg

Not that I'll have time tomorrow to listen to calming tunes. Instead, I'll put on new nail wraps when the insanity gets to me and I just can't listen or talk in peace any longer. Yes. This is my plan. It is cunning and cannot possibly fail.

McDonald's coffee is not the greatest, but it's the only drive-through on my way to work. Normally, I'll grab some breakfast from one of the coffee stands at work - and grab a fancy coffee if I'm feeling particularly sluggish - but those open at 7:30 and I needed to be at my desk before that for a call. Ugh. A McD's breakfast sounds like a good idea when I'm tired and just trying to get to my desk on time, but a couple hours later I regret it. I don't get their fancy coffee (those machines are scary), but their regular coffee is just not that good. Bleah.

I'm trying to not be bitter about a call yesterday. It was around something that I'm an expert in, but the organization shut me down and wouldn't let me talk. It's okay that another support person on our team will own it - it means I don't have to support it going forward - but it's something that I'm really good at and I own for other sites, even though I have too much on my plate already and ARGH.

In related news, Plague Inc remains the best don't-lose-my-cool app for conference calls. There's something so satisfying about creating a pandemic and trying to outmaneuver the scientists and then destroying humanity.

And in my Day of Eternal Meetings, I just had several OMG!Look at this NAO dropped on me. Yey. Here I go.

Woke up Monday in New Mexico
Got home Monday night about 8pm.
Woke up Tuesday at home
Got on a plane Tuesday morning at 6am.
Started working in Miami at 1pm that afternoon.
Got up in Miami this morning. Worked with the team there from 8-12.
Went to the airport.
Flight out of FL delayed by 2 hr because of plane issues and then lightning in the area.
Missed my connection
4 hour layover in Detroit.
Airport sushi.
Home at 11pm.
Have to work tomorrow.
Don't wanna.
Am skipping the 7am meeting the Miami people want to have. They've lost their minds entirely.

So tired. So DONE. So want to sleep in the same bed for two nights in a row. What luxury. What bliss.

Parent teacher conferences tomorrow.
Gaming on Saturday. No idea how I'm going to be prepped for it. 
Dress rehearsal on Sunday. Not ready for it.

I need this month to be over. 

I hate October.

My kitchen is clean. Stress, worry, and anxiety make me clean. This especially happen when I need to appear calm for other people. I must have something to do with my hands and attention or else I'll just pace and fidget.

Downwood asked me to come home at noon. He was feeling poorly.

I came home and played with Ox and then went to pick up Emi from school. While I was waiting for Emi, Downwood called my phone and said that he'd called the EMTs. He was rocking some chest pain and numbness in both arms and through his face in addition to GI unpleasantness. 

I warned Emi on the way home that there'd be an ambulance to take care of Daddy. She thought about it, then said, "Can I have a popsicle when we get home?"

Sure thing. 

I pushed Emi out into the backyard and rescued the EMTs from Ox, who was trying to help them with their buttons and flashy lights. Both kids got popsicles and I held Downwood's hand while they worked. Everything seemed to check out, but he was still feeling terrible, so they took him to the hospital. 

I had the foresight to grab his cell phone and wallet and give them to the EMTs to take with. I didn't realize he didn't have pants, glasses, or shoes. Oops.

I made a bunch of phone calls to interested family members, called in some cavalry, and waited. I talked with our neighbor who offered to watch the kids or just be a friend. I cried a bit when she couldn't see.

Ox took a couple of baths and a nap. Emi played outside until everyone got called in for dinner.

I cleaned. I colored with Emi. I watched Clone Wars with Ox. I forgot to eat. I read Ox his nightly dozen books and got him to lay down and go to sleep.

Finally, I heard from Downwood that they were going to release him and not keep him overnight. I called a friend to shuttle him home. He's under orders to get as many fluids in him as humanly possible, so I kept refilling his cup without asking. 

After Downwood was home for a little while, I got Emi into bed waaaay past her bedtime. We were just about done with her book when Cavalry Grandpa showed up. So she ran out to see him. I let them snuggle for a bit, then told her it was really time for bed. I think she fell asleep within 30 seconds.

Cavalry are staying in the local hotel. They'll be back in the morning to help entertain small children so Downwood can rest and hydrate. Downwood's in bed. I'm waiting for my drugs to kick in. I'll be back at work tomorrow, but probably not as early as usual.

The house is quiet. My family is safe. 

We learned today that extreme dehydration will start to shut down your circulatory system and give other weird symptoms. We learned that EMTs can't physically get the rolly bed into any of the bedrooms, though they can get it down the hall. I learned that our neighbors are even more awesome than I'd already known. I learned how to scramble Downwood's family into action - I already knew how to scramble my family when asking for help.

I learned that the Espionage Cosmetics nailwraps are even more badass than I'd thought - lots of scrubbing and I only lost two stickers. I applied them a week and half ago. This is way better lifespan than nail polish.

We're all home. Downwood is on the mend. We know what to do to take care of him. Our family and friends are awesome and are here for us as soon as we ask.

Depression and anxiety can suck it. Right now, all is good.

Man, I'm tired. I've been so out of it in the mornings lately that I've been turning off my alarm instead of snoozing and not realizing that the alarm I turned off was the second, not the first. I don't know what's going on with my sleep lately, but I wake up more tired than I went to bed. Coffee is my friend and I can keep moving.

I'm doing a little better on jerkbrain-gremlin maintenance. Not a whole lot better, but a bit. Having a couple of days of warm and sun helps. The headache I've been rocking today isn't helping.

Sigh.

We went to look at a new Kia last night. Downwood wants 4WD, I want to replace the less-than-reliable Jeep with something safe, sturdy, and that can take more than just the 4 of us places. So, like, if we're going to Faire, we can invite a friend or two to ride along without having to squish them in between the two car seats or have them ride in the back of the wagon. I'd had a rough/long work day and wasn't feeling up to dealing with salesmen. Downwood was upbeat and happy at being out with grownups. I was bitchy and having problems keeping both kids entertained in the dealership. I didn't take a turn at driving the car - I just wanted to be home.

No, jerkbrain, that doesn't make me a terrible person. It makes me an overworked, overtired human being who has no patience for sales tactics.

I took Ox straight home from the dealership. I got him in the tub. Right after Downwood and Emi got back, I got him out of the tub and into PJs. He's started wanting me to read him books before bed. This makes me SO FREAKING HAPPY. But then Daddy has to be the one who tucks him in and turns off the light. If Momma tries, he gets out of bed and goes to get Daddy.

Emi got to stay up later than usual. She and Daddy went to the Friendly Local Game Store, where she got to pick out her Very First Dice Set. They're clear red plastic, in their own container, and they're totally hers. She's SO PROUD. She apparently told Daddy and the store clerk that she needed more dice in more colors and she also needed a dice bag. So I have a task on my To Dos for the weekend to go downstairs and make her a dice bag.

I can focus on good things. I can keep going. I have no plans for this weekend (that I know of), so I might get some sewing done. I can pick out some music for next Thursday. I can gather up henna supplies for bdvideo night at RH's. I can hug my kids and move more books into Ox's room so we have choices for bedtime.

Coffee is my friend and keeps me going. I just need to not push myself so hard and punish myself so hard. That's not helping me be a better person, it just makes things suck.

Started out today in a good mood. Made time to drink coffee, use lightbox, and used the exercise bike. Used my new sugar scrub in the shower (spearmint eucalyptus! I smell like gum!) and my new body butter (honey saffron! I smell totally amazing!). I put on a Sabine outfit (green dress, purple tights, tall brown boots. Got hugs from both kids, even though Emi was barely awake and Ox was coughing bad.

Got to work. Started Doing Things. Checked my personal email.

Grandpa's back in the hospital. Doing not so good. Not good in the "Grandma's afraid he's giving up" kind of not good way.

I'm worried.

I'm taking the steps I can - let my TL (who's awesome) know. Get as much done as possible in case I have to take off.

Make plans to hug kids tight when I get home.

Turn on lightbox to try to stimulate happy brain chemicals.

Quietly worry. Try to not cry. Get things done. Drink my coffee. Listen to my book. Try to not let the worry slosh over onto other things.

Happy Friday. I sincerely hope your email is happier than mine.