10 Days of Positivity - Day Seven
Oct. 1st, 2013 12:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabineRight. I'm locating a happy headspace if I have to track one down, trap it, gut it, and use its liver as a jaunty hat.
Day Seven - Nerdlings
I held out for as long as I possibly could before caving and using my kidz as my daily happy place. Truth be told, I use them as my happy place about five times an hour. I have pictures of them on my desk and my phone, so that no matter where I go, I can find my center.
Emi crawled into bed with me this morning, snuggled down, and went straight back to sleep. I held her close and just enjoyed the few minutes left before my phone told me it was time to start the day. She was really confused and wanted to know why my phone was going crazy. I told her we could snooze a bit more. She got up when I did, but wasn't awake enough to do more than sip chocolate milk and watch cartoons.
Ox also got up when we did. He demanded loudly that someone should come open his door Right Now. He can reach the doorknob, but not yet turn it to get out. He was his usual happy morning self and wandered out to the kitchen to hang with me.
Emi is smart, determined, devious, talented, beautiful, and my wonderful girl. Ox is smart, determined, handsome, and my wonderful boy. They both love trains. Emi loves superheroes. Ox loves construction equipment. Emi has wide mood swings. Ox is pretty easy-going, but has the occasional total meltdown.
They both give the best hugs.
They make me crazy. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room and take a deep breath or five before I can speak in a reasonable tone of voice. I don't hit and I try to not yell. I don't tell them that they're bad kids or that I'm disappointed in them. I might not like their actions, but I still love them.
I'm scared of messing them up the way my mom did me. I know they'll probably need therapy some day, but I hope it's more "I'm afraid of small girls wielding cutlasses" than "I've never been certain if my mom loves me". I have more hopes and dreams for them than I do for myself.
There are times when I'm out of money, energy, and coping that I wonder why I wanted kids so badly. Without kids, I'd have free time and free money for doing fun things with my husband - like GenCon, Teslacon, world travel, keeping the house reasonably in order, going to the gym regularly, etc. And then Ox runs up when I get home from work and tries to tackle me with a hug and Emi talks my ear off, telling me all about her day at school and things aren't quite so bad.
And then Downwood hands me a glass of wine and things are actually pretty darn good...
...until there's a crash, a thud, tears, and crys of "It wasn't me!"
Day Seven - Nerdlings
I held out for as long as I possibly could before caving and using my kidz as my daily happy place. Truth be told, I use them as my happy place about five times an hour. I have pictures of them on my desk and my phone, so that no matter where I go, I can find my center.
Emi crawled into bed with me this morning, snuggled down, and went straight back to sleep. I held her close and just enjoyed the few minutes left before my phone told me it was time to start the day. She was really confused and wanted to know why my phone was going crazy. I told her we could snooze a bit more. She got up when I did, but wasn't awake enough to do more than sip chocolate milk and watch cartoons.
Ox also got up when we did. He demanded loudly that someone should come open his door Right Now. He can reach the doorknob, but not yet turn it to get out. He was his usual happy morning self and wandered out to the kitchen to hang with me.
Emi is smart, determined, devious, talented, beautiful, and my wonderful girl. Ox is smart, determined, handsome, and my wonderful boy. They both love trains. Emi loves superheroes. Ox loves construction equipment. Emi has wide mood swings. Ox is pretty easy-going, but has the occasional total meltdown.
They both give the best hugs.
They make me crazy. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room and take a deep breath or five before I can speak in a reasonable tone of voice. I don't hit and I try to not yell. I don't tell them that they're bad kids or that I'm disappointed in them. I might not like their actions, but I still love them.
I'm scared of messing them up the way my mom did me. I know they'll probably need therapy some day, but I hope it's more "I'm afraid of small girls wielding cutlasses" than "I've never been certain if my mom loves me". I have more hopes and dreams for them than I do for myself.
There are times when I'm out of money, energy, and coping that I wonder why I wanted kids so badly. Without kids, I'd have free time and free money for doing fun things with my husband - like GenCon, Teslacon, world travel, keeping the house reasonably in order, going to the gym regularly, etc. And then Ox runs up when I get home from work and tries to tackle me with a hug and Emi talks my ear off, telling me all about her day at school and things aren't quite so bad.
And then Downwood hands me a glass of wine and things are actually pretty darn good...
...until there's a crash, a thud, tears, and crys of "It wasn't me!"
