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sabineI never went to Faire this year. For someone who's spent god-knows-how-much money and time on garb and claims to love it, I sure did a great job of putting it at the bottom of the priority list. Even when we had a free weekend, I couldn't organize us enough to just get out the door. I suck.
I don't spend enough time with my family. Grandpa's in hospice care and I can only give them a day and a half out of a three day weekend. I'm a terrible, irresponsible daughter and granddaughter. I should be ashamed of myself.
I am not now, nor will ever be in good enough shape to be a real cosplayer. The best I can do is if there's a corset involved. Or muppetry. But that's it. I need to stop following these people and just stop dreaming.
I have more game systems than anyone can use. But do I use them? Nope. I run a single game now and don't play in any. Why'd I spend this money if it wasn't to bring joy or something to my life. Stupid me.
I scolded Emi and was short with her when we were at the park. She was just hot and tired and didn't want to admit to either. I should have been a better Mom. I just wanted to get her out of there, get her home, and get her in a tub to soak and clean out the owies. And then Ox just wanted me to read the same book over and over and over. And the house is a complete mess. And I'm a mess. And everything's all over the place and dirty and fruit flies and trash and clothes and toys and I just can't.
Nothing's going to get better. This therapy thing and trying to change my meds are both pointless. This sucks and hurts and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
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I didn't go to faire this year. I spent 5 weekends in a row this summer working. Then, when I thought we had Labor Day weekend free to go play, Grandpa took a major turn for the worse. I rearranged expectations with Emi, Mom, and Sister and we went to Iowa. My kids got to play with my Aunt, Uncles, and cousin. They both were totally awesome at being kids and made people smile.
I got to see Grandpa and talk to him. He's still himself. His mind is still totally sharp and his sense of humor and family is still intact. His body is just failing. We don't know how long he has, but he's not in too much pain. No one got mad about the tattoos and both my folks made sure to ask how the med change and therapy were going and to call them if I ever need them to come up and help.
Emi and I went to the town library's annual book sale when we got home. For $20, you get a canvas tote bag and can fill it up. So we did. Then she wanted to know what was going on in the park. I told her it looked like a craft fair, so we stowed the bag of books and went over. She was CRUSHED to find out that there were only people selling things. She thought a craft fair meant that there would be booths where SHE could do the crafts. So we bought a bottle of water and she played on the playground and I read my book. I made her agree to come home when I noticed that the skin on her knee was so dry and so itchy that she'd clawed it into bleeding.
Ox came to hug me and snuggle me as soon as we got home. He pulled me to the couch and demanded books. Downwood got me a beer. Emi got in the tub. After several books and me losing my cool, I came back to see what happened on the interwebs while we were gone. Lots of nothing. I'm sad and upset for what seem like good reasons, but really aren't. The kids are watching some TV and things are sort of quiet. That's okay. I don't feel okay, but it'll probably be okay.
I don't spend enough time with my family. Grandpa's in hospice care and I can only give them a day and a half out of a three day weekend. I'm a terrible, irresponsible daughter and granddaughter. I should be ashamed of myself.
I am not now, nor will ever be in good enough shape to be a real cosplayer. The best I can do is if there's a corset involved. Or muppetry. But that's it. I need to stop following these people and just stop dreaming.
I have more game systems than anyone can use. But do I use them? Nope. I run a single game now and don't play in any. Why'd I spend this money if it wasn't to bring joy or something to my life. Stupid me.
I scolded Emi and was short with her when we were at the park. She was just hot and tired and didn't want to admit to either. I should have been a better Mom. I just wanted to get her out of there, get her home, and get her in a tub to soak and clean out the owies. And then Ox just wanted me to read the same book over and over and over. And the house is a complete mess. And I'm a mess. And everything's all over the place and dirty and fruit flies and trash and clothes and toys and I just can't.
Nothing's going to get better. This therapy thing and trying to change my meds are both pointless. This sucks and hurts and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
------
I didn't go to faire this year. I spent 5 weekends in a row this summer working. Then, when I thought we had Labor Day weekend free to go play, Grandpa took a major turn for the worse. I rearranged expectations with Emi, Mom, and Sister and we went to Iowa. My kids got to play with my Aunt, Uncles, and cousin. They both were totally awesome at being kids and made people smile.
I got to see Grandpa and talk to him. He's still himself. His mind is still totally sharp and his sense of humor and family is still intact. His body is just failing. We don't know how long he has, but he's not in too much pain. No one got mad about the tattoos and both my folks made sure to ask how the med change and therapy were going and to call them if I ever need them to come up and help.
Emi and I went to the town library's annual book sale when we got home. For $20, you get a canvas tote bag and can fill it up. So we did. Then she wanted to know what was going on in the park. I told her it looked like a craft fair, so we stowed the bag of books and went over. She was CRUSHED to find out that there were only people selling things. She thought a craft fair meant that there would be booths where SHE could do the crafts. So we bought a bottle of water and she played on the playground and I read my book. I made her agree to come home when I noticed that the skin on her knee was so dry and so itchy that she'd clawed it into bleeding.
Ox came to hug me and snuggle me as soon as we got home. He pulled me to the couch and demanded books. Downwood got me a beer. Emi got in the tub. After several books and me losing my cool, I came back to see what happened on the interwebs while we were gone. Lots of nothing. I'm sad and upset for what seem like good reasons, but really aren't. The kids are watching some TV and things are sort of quiet. That's okay. I don't feel okay, but it'll probably be okay.
