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I am not a failure
Aug. 25th, 2015 09:47 amYesterday afternoon, I almost forgot about a therapy appointment. Luckily, I'd put a reminder in my phone for an hour before. My phone buzzed, I scrambled to get my work done, and ran out the door to the appointment.
Themes: I need to learn to delegate. I need to trust that things won't fall apart if I'm not the one doing them. All the things I'm freaking out about that are coming up in the next couple weeks are things that I'll likely enjoy a lot. The excitement is mostly nervous anxiety about all the things that could go wrong instead of all the things that are going to be awesome.
I then made it up to the mall in just enough time to get dinner and go to dance.
Just one problem. My dance bag was still at home. My home is a 45 minute (with traffic, minimum) drive from the mall. There were not 90 minutes remaining between "now" and "dance class starts".
Well, crap.
As Downwood put it, it's the first time he can EVER remember that I've forgotten my dance bag. Forgotten individual pieces, yes. The entire dance bag, no. I've been taking classes for 8.5 years, so that's actually a pretty good track record.
I went into the grocery store to buy my usual Monday dinner. I also bought some roses, since that's a healthier treat than the very expensive box of chocolates that I really wanted. And I went home. I snuggled my kids. I read books with them. I got to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour and then laid in bed thinking anxiety thoughts. Dear Scooter couldn't crack the internal monologue at all.
I'm wearing a nice dress today. I didn't do my hair or anything - I just didn't want to deal with trying to find clothes that matched. I bombed my Mensa daily calendar puzzle. I'm overcaffeinated and feeling like a hot mess.
I know each of these things individually are not actually that bad, but my brain isn't buying it. I'm doing the cognitive behavioral therapy/socratic method thing where I take each thought and tell my jerkbrain that it has no logical feet to stand on. I still feel like a mess, though.
Sigh. This is not how I wanted my Tuesday to go.
Themes: I need to learn to delegate. I need to trust that things won't fall apart if I'm not the one doing them. All the things I'm freaking out about that are coming up in the next couple weeks are things that I'll likely enjoy a lot. The excitement is mostly nervous anxiety about all the things that could go wrong instead of all the things that are going to be awesome.
I then made it up to the mall in just enough time to get dinner and go to dance.
Just one problem. My dance bag was still at home. My home is a 45 minute (with traffic, minimum) drive from the mall. There were not 90 minutes remaining between "now" and "dance class starts".
Well, crap.
As Downwood put it, it's the first time he can EVER remember that I've forgotten my dance bag. Forgotten individual pieces, yes. The entire dance bag, no. I've been taking classes for 8.5 years, so that's actually a pretty good track record.
I went into the grocery store to buy my usual Monday dinner. I also bought some roses, since that's a healthier treat than the very expensive box of chocolates that I really wanted. And I went home. I snuggled my kids. I read books with them. I got to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour and then laid in bed thinking anxiety thoughts. Dear Scooter couldn't crack the internal monologue at all.
I'm wearing a nice dress today. I didn't do my hair or anything - I just didn't want to deal with trying to find clothes that matched. I bombed my Mensa daily calendar puzzle. I'm overcaffeinated and feeling like a hot mess.
I know each of these things individually are not actually that bad, but my brain isn't buying it. I'm doing the cognitive behavioral therapy/socratic method thing where I take each thought and tell my jerkbrain that it has no logical feet to stand on. I still feel like a mess, though.
Sigh. This is not how I wanted my Tuesday to go.
