what do I write

What do I write now? All the internet and all tv and all radio have been talking about Robin Williams. Walking through the office building lobby yesterday, they were speculating at length on his suicide method.

I had no need for that. What purpose does it serve?

My customers and coworkers were talking about how sad it is that mental illness isn't well taken care of and couldn't he just reach out and why did the system fail him?

I could tell them. I almost did, but didn't want to color how they'd interact with me in the future.

The people who are trying their best to explain depression and anxiety and suicidal urges to people who haven't experienced it first hand and the people who are explaining how to best help depressed people....they're doing the right thing and I'm glad of it.

I don't think it will help. After all, there's always another article saying "Just go outside! Get sun! Exercise! All your depression will go away".

I'm not okay. I'm really not okay. But I'm very good at faking it.

Some days are less okay than other days. Sometimes my meds work really well. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes I remember to not look in the mirror and just keep feeling good about how I look. Sometimes I don't and then the jerkbrain wins. Sometimes just hearing that someone who appears to be a responsible adult with good things in life is actually a mess under the surface...sometimes that helps.

I'm here. Depression lies, but it's oh-so-good at it. Like, on a scale of Jesus to Loki, depression clocks in at a solid Coyote for lying ability. It's good at it, is what I'm saying.

I'm trying to combat the lies, but the truth is hard to see. And that's okay. I know there are people out there fighting this same fight and, just like me, trying very, very hard to conceal that this battle is even a thing.

Because who wants to be known as broken? No one, that's who.

There's always someone who will be sad if you were to suddenly not be there anymore. There's someone who will cry and cry and wonder why you didn't love them enough to stay, why you didn't reach out to them, why they couldn't help.

If you've never felt this way, consider yourself very lucky. If you've never looked deep inside and said, "The world would be a better place without me in it", you are blessed.

And if someone comes to you and says, "I'm depressed and really don't want to be here anymore", for the love of all you hold holy, shut up and LISTEN. Don't try to fix things. Don't offer your extremely well meant advice. Just fucking listen. Even if they don't want to talk, but just need someone nearby to know that they're not alone, listen to them - not by pushing them to talk, but just by being there. It's cool. You can offer your advice later...or not at all. Contrary to what you might believe, we do hear a lot of those pieces of advice and try them.

So, in summary:

• Non-depression people, just LISTEN. Don't blame your loved one, don't offer advice. Close your mouth and open your ears and heart.
• Depressed people, do whatever you have to do to get through the day. Look at cat videos. Read blogs. Find the comfort book and read it for the millionth time. Ask for different medication or different dosing. Ask for help
• Suicide sometimes is the only option. Because depression is a lying bastard and that's the end goal.
• Just because someone looks like they're fine, doesn't mean they're fine. They may be smiling and laughing and still be deeply depressed. Depression isn't emo goth. It's deeper and more insidious than that. Also, a lying bastard.

Any questions?