weekweekweekend

Friday - I have no idea. I know I stopped for donuts, because I had them Saturday morning. But I'm not sure how I got home from work or what happened in the evening.

Saturday - Went to the school to talk to the child development people about Ox. They said that, yes, he's far ahead of the curve on every metric except talking. Since talking is a big one, they're having someone from the county come to our house on Wednesday. Then we'll get a speech pathologist assigned to work with Ox on a regular basis until he's telling us all the things in his head.

Called Mom after we were done to tell her the news. She said she was up with my grandparents and any good news was greatly appreciated. I then went and got my back worked on.

When I got out of my massage, I felt like I could walk and move again. I saw I'd missed a text from my sister. I called her back and she told me all the things that Mom left out of our conversation. Things that, had I checked my email in the morning, I would have known. Things like "Grandpa's picked out his funeral arrangements and talked to the hospice people".

I went to the grocery store.

I went home.

I read my email.

I cried.

Not sure what happened the rest of Saturday.

Sunday - Got up. Made apple fritter pull-apart bread for Downwood and me. Made pancakes for Emi and Ox. Got a call from my sister that was basically, "Call Mom. She'll hold the phone for Grandpa. If you have anything you want to tell him, now's the time".

I called Mom. I talked to Grandpa. I held it together for just long enough to tell him I love him. And then I melted down.

I taught Emi how to navigate to the actual phone menu on my phone and showed her which star to press to talk to Grandma.

I went and got a pedicure. I'd had it scheduled and thought that closing my eyes for a bit would feel good.

My sister called as I was leaving the spa. Grandpa was back in surgery to basically power-wash his abdomen to get rid of the infection from the abscess.

I heard nothing from my mom. I did laundry. I held my kids. I drew on my leg. I tried to read.

Eventually, I went to bed, holding Emi in my arms.

Today - I got up and still had no news. I sent my folks an email with some happy-ish thoughts and some smiling pictures of the kids. I heard back a single line from my stepdad that Grandpa made it through the night, but it's still touch and go.

I haven't heard anything else.

I didn't get to work until noon, since Downwood had a dentist app't this morning and someone has to watch the kiddos. I have a crapton of things to do and am just numb. I haven't heard anything good or bad. They'd call, right?

I'm feeling like a failure as a granddaughter and daughter. I should be there for my mom. I should have been there at Christmas or made other time to see them. It makes no sense and is completely illogical, but still feeling like there's nothing I can do and wishing there was.

So now I try to work. I try to pay attention. I try to not cry too much. I have no idea what's happening. I miss my family. I don't know what to do.
 

yeah

Haven't heard anything one way or the other about Grandpa today.
Made it through the afternoon of work.
Have one task left to do. Then I can head up to town, grab some dinner, and restock on kiddo cereal and coffee creamer.
Then dance. Then home. Then sleep.

This "not knowing" thing sucks.