Reasons to keep going

I want to take the kiddos trick or treating tomorrow.

I want to finish other Alex's birthday present.

I want to make some costumes, even if I have nowhere to wear them.

I have a cake, a tattoo, and a concert scheduled. All these things will be fun and worth doing.

Maybe someday there will be a treatment that works to make the badness go way and fix what's deeply broken in my bran. It's not my fault that I'm broken, but I'm tired of hurting and tired of hurting other people.

I haven't made Hot Buttered Apple Rum yet this fall. I'd like to do that.

I want to see how this choreography comes together and what M will do with us, her pawns, in a staging fashion. I'd like to perform this piece someday. The music feels good and the choreography hurts neither my body nor my brain, but makes me feel like a Real Dancer.

Depression lies. I know this, but I don't feel it. It's like knowing that the primary export of Peru is Something, but not actually knowing what Something is, where you'd go to get one for yourself, or even if Peru is real.* Maybe it's a made-up place like Narnia or Middle Earth. Those places have maps and there are books and wikis about them, but they're not real.

Depression is like that for me. They say "Oh, it gets better! Things won't be bad forever!" and it sort of feels like they're trying to sell me a trip to Narnia or Middle Earth or Asgard.** They're telling me this magical place exists and its exports are smiles, rainbows, moonbeams, and chocolate-glazed donuts. It's a place that I could get to if only I tried and believed in myself and, I don't know, did yoga at dawn on the beach with Kenny G smoothly accompanying me. That there's an incantation or something to get me from where I am - sitting and wishing existing didn't hurt so damn much and being very tired of crying, thanks for asking - to this place where they are. Where it's easy to step over small obstacles, find the cheese, and take joy in the little things.

Is that a real place? I think I may have visited there, but those parts of my memory seem to be shut down right now. Depression lies. It's trying to convince me that I've never been happy and will never get there. It's a lying, awful bastard.

But still. And yet. It seems true. Phrases like "It's darkest just before the dawn" assume that dawn is coming. I've read science fiction. That's not necessarily a given. ***

I don't know whether I feel any better for typing. I feel more raw, more breakable. More like breaking and running home to hide under a pile of yarn and fabric and not come out for anything.

But if I went into hiding, I wouldn't get to see Halloween with my kids. I wouldn't see how the choreography ends. I wouldn't get to read my new book. That would be a shame.

Damn.

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* - Wikipedia tells me Peru's main exports are copper, gold, zinc, textiles, and fish. So maybe I know where to get those. That's not the point and not relevant to what I'm trying to get at. Also, though I've never been to Peru, I know people who have, so it's almost certainly a Real Place, not just a made-up country in a book. This doesn't make much sense. I apologize for leading you to believe that my footnote would have valuable information and not just be rambly paragraph without sense.

** - Which, admittedly, would be sort of awesome, but not the point.

*** - Also, not the point, but an interesting digression.

**** - No, this footnote wasn't referenced anywhere in the post. It's just here to mess with you.