sabine: (Default)
Less than a week to go in my Comp Sci class. Final exam is next Monday. Am I ready? Not in the slightest.

Work is crazy. There are so many competing projects and priorities and people panicking over nothing.

School starts relatively soon. We haven't done our shopping yet. We haven't done enough to encourage Alex and the potty. I'm not home much and would rather snuggle than scold when I *am* there. The house is a wreck and I don't have the spare energy to do anything about it.

Coffee with the dance ladies on Sunday was nice. It was good to see friends and get out of the house.

I've been good about getting away from my desk for lunch every day. WoofTrax tells me that I'm walking between 1-2 miles daily. More on the weekends, natch, but even on weekdays I'm usually getting a mile or 1.5 in. I'm also level 17 in Pokemon Go. These things are related, as is the ache in my left hip and ankle and the sudden increase of freckles on my forearms.

We thought my car was seriously broken, but it stopped making the scary noise overnight. I need to call to have the mechanics fix a known issue anyway. But I'm pretty much out of money for the month, thanks to the OMG!Urgent fix at the start of the month.

I started listening to a book that Audible and other review sites assured me was hilarious. I had to turn it off because I was so uncomfortable for the characters. I identify too much with social awkwardness and get really embarrassed for the characters. This happens with books, TV, movies, etc. I can't step back and find the things funny that 90% of other people do. Wacky hijinks based on misinterpreted social cues don't amuse me - they cause me distress.

I have a ton of things on my plate at work and none that I want to do. I *want* to go home, sleep, do some homework, sew, and read a book that I know won't cause me mental anguish (currently, "Beauty" by Robin McKinley. So good).

Just...feeling overwhelmed, tired, and stuck. I'm trying to take the steps to take care of myself, but it's hard. Everything's hard.
sabine: (Default)
  • I'm getting good at Zentangles. I'm nowhere near as good as most of the blogs and I don't really want to pay the $k to become a Certified Zentangle Instructor, but I like it. Downwood wants me to post a picture with some of my favorite ones and a quarter to show the scale. He also thinks I should point out that I'm doing all this with office supplies stolen from werk and not actual art supplies.
  • The thing Downwood and I are writing is at 95.5k words. So. Close.
  • I have fabric for business casual Cheshire Cat and Queen of Hearts dresses. I have patterns and fabric picked out for a formal QoH dress. Because reasons.
  • I've been practicing making teacups out of playing cards. I have roughly 60 packs of cards I can use for crafting. So far I've made two cups, each not quite what I was hoping for. Getting the angle on the cards for the cup is harder than it looks. Also, E6000 is scary stuff. It's my new favorite crafting aid.
  • I'm sick and tired of being exhausted all the time. And of having at least one of the kids being sick. Saturday, Alex crawled into my lap for a snuggle and decided that was a good time to throw up everywhere. It will be a glorious day when the kids are old enough to be able to run to the bathroom and throw up IN the toilet.
  • I've been trying to fix a thing since Friday. Someone at the customer site did something Not Good several months ago and they just went live this weekend, so now they've noticed it. I was on the phone on Saturday and pretty much all of Sunday afternoon. I worked on it this morning for a couple hours, too. IT'S FINALLY FIXED, OMG! http://reactiongifs.com/?p=23411
  • I like colored lip balm. I have a couple of favorites now. I also have a text file called "Lip Balm Reviews" on my desktop. I don't wear other makeup on a daily basis, but I've started to enjoy having colored lips. I've also had to get used to having lip prints on my cups. So that's a thing.
  • Today is Pi Day! There will be pie in about 40 minutes. This is a good thing.
  • Work sucks. Life does not suck. Work is not life. Yus.
  • I took Emi to see Zootopia. We had the theater with the recliner seats. I also talked to the concession people and they went to the back to read ingredients for me. Turns out that Emi can have movie theater popcorn WITH "butter". Super awesome.
sabine: (Default)
My team at work has decided that we need to be happier. So we have the Happiness Initiative. It's based off of a TED talk that posits that if you do certain things every day, you'll improve your overall happiness. These things include meditation, exercise, listing out gratitudes, journaling, and performing small acts of kindness. I'm participating in this because I can always use more happy.
  • I'm doing the meditation because meditation is awesome. I'm nearing the end of the Self-Esteem pack and I think it's helping.
  • I'm doing the journaling because I found an app that gives simple prompts - what are you thankful for, what are 3 good things about today, what would make tomorrow better, etc.
  • I'm doing the random acts of kindness by inflicting art on others. Every day at work I choose one of my zentangle art cards. I pick a person on our team and write them a note on the back of the card. I then either give them the card with no explanation or just leave it on their desk to find. This gets these cards out of my office and has made people smile.
I'm not doing the daily exercise. I know it'd be good for me, but I'm so out of energy it's not even funny anymore.

-----

Alex is sick. He got hit HARD by the head/chest cold that Emi brought home from school last week and shared with me. I still feel a little puny, but I've been mostly functional the whole time. Alex started running a fever Sunday night and started having trouble breathing. We went to the dr on Tuesday, who prescribed a nebulizer for albuterol instead of just his inhaler. Getting the damn machine was a bureaucratic NIGHTMARE that Downwood finally got figured out yesterday morning. Little dude gets to go back to the dr today. He's not getting better. He may get to have another vacation at the hospital. We'll see.

We're still waiting on the results of Downwood's EEG. He may or may not have a seizure disorder. We'll see.

Emi has Pokemon bribes to do better at school. If she does her homework without being asked, she and Daddy will play a game of Pokemon at the table. If she passes her reading checkout tests on the first try, she gets a special card. She loves math and science, but has trouble with reading and wanting to do well in it.

I'm tired. I went to bed really early last night, but still feel unrested. No me gusta.

I'm worried about my friends. I feel like I can't do anything other than offer stupid platitudes. Maybe we need to go out for coffee again. Maybe we should move our coffee date to Milwaukee to bring in more friends. Stupid winter making everything seem bad.
sabine: (Default)
 Wait, what?! How is it already the end of the year?! I'm pretty sure it should still be Halloween or maybe Thanksgiving. The year just sort of evaporated on me. And now I'm at the end of my vacation with not nearly as many things done around the house as I should've.

This year I...
  • Learned
    • that I can make art just for the sake of making something pretty and it doesn't suck.
    • that it's okay to go back to therapy
    • German and Spanish. Sort of. 49% fluent, anyway.
    • how to meditate
    • that work doesn't suck so much if I have a team lead who's willing to work with me and actually get me things that bring me joy and take away the things that bring me misery and woe.
    • how to navigate railway systems in three cities where I didn't speak the language.
    • that I can drink 4.5 liters of beer in a day and not have too bad of a hangover the next morning.
    • that getting a new cell phone is horrible and painful and I don't want to deal with it for another three years. Or until a new shiny iPhone comes out and I can upgrade for free.
    • that it feels really good to go through things and fill boxes and boxes with STUFF for donation.
    • that my friends are awesome and even when my jerkbrain tries to tell me to not leave the house, they're still glad to see me and things will be okay.
    • how to blow dry my hair and get the lovely flips and waves that my hairdresser can get.
    • how to wear red lipstick.
    • that taking my husband and son to the ER sucks. Staying with my son for the next day in the hospital is also no fun.
    • how to use super glue for first aid and that liquid bandages are great.
    • that I get an allergic reaction to red pigment in tattoos. This is troubling. Also, I completed my shoulder peacock and got my birthday cardinal. And an adorable tiny pumpkin.
  • Read
    • lots and lots of good books. Goodreads has my full list. 
      • Highlights include: Uprooted, The Thirteenth Tale, William Shakespeare's Star Wars, PrinceLess, Castle Hangnail, Furiously Happy, The Martian, and Ancillary Mercy.
    • many old favorites cover-to-cover
      • Highlights include: Eleanor and Park, Sunshine, Snowcrash, The Enchantment Emporium, Hogfather, The Wee Free Men, The Finishing School series, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, The Girl who...Fairyland books, American Gods, and Good Omens.
    • not much in the way of newspapers or magazines.
    • probably too much online.
    • chapter books to BOTH kids, including the entirety of the Dragonbreath series to Alex.
    • that while most dating sim concepts make my eyelid twitch, a PIGEON dating sim will make me cackle maniacally.
  • Watched
    • not much TV, honestly. 
    • some good football
    • some terrible football
    • Emi at ballet
    • Alex at soccer
    • Emi graduate from Kindergarten
    • only a couple movies, but TWO were in the theater (Inside Out with Emi, Force Awakens with Downwood)
    • not enough bellydance, but some of it was Ozma, so that balances everything out.
    • cultural events in Berlin, Munich, and Brussels. I have no idea what was going on for most of it, but it was very interesting. And confusing
    • Alex start trying out words and talking to us
    • my kids LOSE THEIR MINDS on a train ride, in the Field Museum, in the Shedd Aquarium, and at the new cafeteria at werk.
  • Tried
    • more cosplay. Specifically Lucille Ball. For work. LIVING THE DREAM.
    • making more clothes. I made LEGGINGS THAT FIT. This is miraculous.
    • to not let the depression and anxiety win. I think my record's about 50/50.
    • to come up with a way to kill myself, but couldn't think of anything that wouldn't traumatize Emi. Not the best reason, but certainly not the worst.
    • to not beat myself up about being on 5 full time psych meds and another for emergencies.
    • to cut most alcohol out of my diet. I do pretty good most of the time now.
    • meditation. I love it.
    • using colored pencils and coloring books. So fun. Especially when I get pages from Colorful Language or the Sweary Coloring book.
    • to brew some beer. Still need to bottle. Bottling sucks.
    • to teach Alex how to use the potty. Still struggling. But he can mostly get clothes on and off by himself, so that's a big step forward.
  • Didn't
    • play any pen-and-paper RPGs. I ran my Scion game, but didn't play anything other than computer games.
    • play all the board and card games I bought
    • take any belly dance workshops (I think). I went to some shows, but not to the workshop...at least, not that I remember.
    • always listen to my jerkbrain. Tried to let some of it go, in fact.
    • chicken out of going on the trip of a lifetime
    • go to any funerals
    • have any serious injuries
    • get any piercings or change my hair color. I'm still using the same henna as the last couple years and I love it.

 
sabine: (Default)
Got home last night and found Emi sleeping on the couch. Her head  cold seems to be doing better during the day, but she coughs a whole lot at night. Poor kiddo.

Tuesdays are hard. I get home very late on Monday. Dance class goes late, then we chat after, then I have a very long drive home. Then when I get home, I take my nighttime meds and have to wait 30-45 minutes and hope they kick in.

The good thing about my night meds is that they usually help me get tired and go to sleep. The bad thing about my night meds is that I'm kind of dependent on them for sleep. The "Sleep With Me" podcast really helps, but even it sometimes can't break through my mental static.

The other bad thing about my night meds is that they keep me non-functional for about 8-9 hours after I take them. So, if I do the math, I'm getting out of bed on Tuesdays about an hour before my brain chemistry will let me do anything.

And then people want to be cheerful at me at that hour and want me to be pleasant and interactive. And then are surprised when I'm a grouch.

I am not naturally a morning person. Yes, I get to work at an ungodly hour, but it's mostly so that I can get things done without people bothering me. If I don't get in early, I have to stay really late. The only times I'm left alone to work are before 8:30 and after 5. The rest of the time is filled with interruptions, meetings, shifting priorities, and "can you do just this thing for me"?

But being tired, being grumpy, and overall feeling unappreciated really makes me not want to work today. I want to finish listening to Jane Austen's "Persuasion" (aka, How Saint Anne Forbade Bitch-Slapping All Her Relatives), read more of my silly romance novel ("A Kiss at Midnight" by Eloisa James), drink tea and/or fancy coffee, do some sewing, and not get whined at.

My psychiatrist says that my feelings of just wanting to run away from my life - get in the car and drive away from all my responsibilities or clean out my savings, buy a shack on the beach, and learn how to be a pirate - are incredibly common. That it doesn't make me weird or strange, just human.

Sigh. Two weeks until a vacation day. Less than a week until a haircut. Just under two weeks until an ink appointment. 5 minutes to a cup of tea.
sabine: (Default)
Thursday - Work from home. When I get off a call at 5, reschedule my haircut and take Downwood up to UW ED. Downwood gets discharged at midnight and very kind friend brings him home.

Friday - Take a sick day. Downwood is still entirely down for the count. Take Emi to school. Get coffee and go to the park with Ox. Also go to the grocery store with Ox. As he's pushing the tiny shopping cart, have to go back and remove bags of chips twice. Obviously, this is why they put the name band, expensive chips at kid eye level.

Do lots and lots of laundry. Do lots and lots of dishes. Ox helps with dishes, which is adorable and messy.

Saturday - Downwood is still out of commission. Do lots of dishes. Do only a little laundry (will pay for this later). Took a couple hours and ran up to Verona to do some errands - take Emi's GS cookies to my office, print some sewing patterns, go to grocery store, go to Farm & Fleet, get fro-yo, fill up car with gas. Then it was back to doing dishes and keeping kids occupied - mostly by sending them outside to play and partly by handing them a container of Lysol wipes and telling them to wipe EVERYTHING. They really liked cleaning the house. That's awesome.

Saturday evening, Emi and I went to New(er) Dancer Night. There was only one New(er) dancer, who was basically getting to treat this as an audition for being in the rotation, we think. Emi and I got to sit with dance friends and Emi got to play with T's little girl. RH put together a quick playlist and we had ourselves a mini hafla. It was super fun. Emi LOVED getting to dance. Also, T mentioned she has a Kid Belly Dance curriculum pretty much figured out. When she announces it, I'm signing Emi up RIGHT AWAY.

Sunday - Downwood still out of commission. Laundry and, yes, more dishes. I got the ATK pork roast started early, but put it in on High so that it'd be done in the afternoon. I followed the recipe mostly, but used chili sauce instead of adobo peppers. Also, I added about a cup of apple juice halfway through, since I noticed the braising liquid was not exactly liquidy. It turned out darn tasty and I packaged up 3/4 of it to go into the freezer for easy dinner later.

I also cooked a jambalaya kit that I impulse purchased at the grocery store when they were doing sampling of it. WAY more expensive than the usual kits, but all local, organic ingredients and safe for both kids. I added black beans, leftover kielbasa, and some fancy sausage, so it ended up only being safe for Emi. She LOVED it, so I count it a win.

The kids got to play outside lots and lots. Emi had a meltdown in the afternoon when our next-door neighbors didn't come out and play. She didn't think it was fair that they might be doing something else when she wanted them to be available for play. Such is life, kiddo. Such is life.

Ox got mad at me at dinner for giving him potatoes that hadn't been deep fried. Baked potatoes apparently don't cut it. I told him too bad and he eventually had some small bites.

Today - Work is awful. Dealing with catastrophes and panic. I need to go back out to my car to get Emi's GS order form so that I can tell everyone their cookies are in. Just lots of pan and suffering and annoyance.

I'm exhausted. I haven't had a weekend in a while where I've been able to relax at all. Just one thing piling up on another thing. I need to get my UW workshop registration in, but haven't the energy to deal with it. I'm going to dance tonight, but don't know where I'm going to dig up the energy. I have no sick time left to burn, so I can't take a recovery day. Also, this coming weekend is another upgrade, and I'm likely going to be on the phone super late on Saturday night and then all day Sunday.

Hate this. FML.

sabine: (Default)
Walking out of dance class last night, I had an epiphany about many of the activities and groups I've enjoyed over the years. I like things best when I know what to expect going in. Things like Girl Scouts, speech and music competitions, church group, Mock Trial, gaming, classes, haflas, and others all have an agenda. They follow patterns. Sure, there's variation and different kinds of stress, but for the most part if you go through it once, the future instances of that activity will have the same general pattern.

This is important to me. I need routine and structure. I can manage my time at work - actually I hate being in meetings all day long - but I have my worklists and things that have to get done and I can rely on that. It's when all hell breaks loose and everything goes up in the air that I can't handle it well. This is doubled or tripled if things are going haywire while on site. I have to squelch the panic at the time and save it up for when I'm alone.

It's only in the last couple years that I've begun to understand that I've been dealing with varieties of anxiety disorders for a long, long time. This goes back a long ways. I'm not very good at "hanging out". I get nervous and anxious if people just want to sit around and see what comes up. I'd rather run and hide and read a book. If it's something like "We're going to go to this hafla and then go get pancakes after", I can prepare and I know what to expect. There might be issues, but I can generally handle them.

I don't always flee from new scenarios. It just takes a lot of mental preparation and fear to get to the point that I can pretend like I'm having a good time. And then I flee as soon as possible. After that first encounter, though, I can generally go back a second time easier.

Why is this important? I'm not sure. It's just what I'm thinking about...instead of doing work. It's rattling and being pesty in my head.

And now, I wander over to the cafeteria and hunt and gather a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato soup. It's one of those days.
sabine: (Default)
  • Work is eating my brain. The constant interruptions and OMG!NOW crises are mostly just annoying me instead of causing me heartburn and anxiety. Not that constant annoyance is any more productive than constant anxiety, but at least it's different. My jaw tends to hurt by the end of the day, though, which can't be good for me.
  • My immune system is letting me down. I have the dry, dry sinuses and scratchy throat that indicate Bad Things to come. I'm getting lots of vitamin C and am trying to get lots of rest, so hopefully my system will figure out what it's meant to be doing and things won't suck long term.
  • I went out on Black Friday to two small businesses and three chain stores (coffee, fabric, tarjay). I went out on Small Business Saturday with Emi and visited five small businesses in our town. Cyber Monday saw me spending money online for tights, lotion, and geek toys. Giving Tuesday ended with me sending money to feed people and cheer sick kids. Of all these, I think the last group of payments were my favorite to click Accept.
  • Dance class on Monday was interesting. We were going to start a choreography to a very, very traditional folk piece full of LOUD folk instruments. Teacher M's brain bailed and refused to give forth the motifs for the new song, so we just ran through the dabke number a couple more times to solidify the ending and get the step patterns back in our heads. I'm okay with this, as I'm not a huge fan of this new song. I'll dance it and do my best but it's not something that makes my heart go pitter-pat.
  • I made an infinity scarf from impulse-purchased fleece. For Downwood. Now he can't even use the excuse of "But my neck will be cold" when I ask him to please, please trim back his beard to something reasonable.
  • I'm re-reading some of my favorite Tamora Pierce series. Totally worth the time.
  • I need to start wrapping gifts. This will let me get packages ready to be mailed. I also have to finish my pledge from January for "comment and I'll make you something" people and get those mailed. Am a slacker. Boo.
  • I'm in a very bad overall mental place right now. Some of it is that it's dark and cold outside. Some of it is my perfectionist jerkbrain making everything SO IMPORTANT that things be PERFECT for EVERYONE this holiday season. Some of it is other personal interactions being bad. Just not good. Had a meltdown on Sunday when nothing was good, I couldn't do anything right, I was completely out of spoons and People Points, and I just wanted everyone to BE QUIET. It was not good.
  • I've made appointments for the kids to get their annual pictures taken and for me to get my annual shellac manicure. These were easy to check off the list.
  • My last day of work for the year is the 22nd. That's less than 3 weeks away. That's good. My Iowa family holidays will be the weekend before, which may suck for timing, but I'll get to see my sister and nephew, so it will be at least a little good. Downwood's Illinois family holidays are a little up in the air. There should be some time in there for crafting, books, and gaming. It should be okay. Probably won't be, but should be.

sabine: (Default)
Forgot to restock my purse Emergency Xanax again. Bad plan, past me. Bad. Plan.

From 8-5 today, I was pre-scheduled for 7 hours of meetings. And then, of course, I've had several other phone calls, OMG!CRITICAL FIX IT NAWO things, and a myriad of smaller concerns. This doesn't bode well for sanity for me.

Forgot my water bottle again. Fuck.

Sitting at my desk on the phone, I keep getting really dizzy. I had a tasty lunch, but probably haven't been drinking enough water. This is distressing and upsetting.

My head is pounding and has been since I arrived at work. This is distracting and upsetting. I try to stretch out my neck, since I know the constant pressure and shouting is making me more and more tense.

I want to go home and work on a new dress. I want to get my To Be Sewn queue down far enough that I can work on the commission a friend handed me. I want to have spare brain cycles for updating my various Storium games. I want to sleep and not wake up over and over through the night. I want to not be so chubby, but I lack the willpower to not snack. I want to not feel guilty about wanting these things. I want to snuggle my kids without a bedtime battle first. I kind of want to throw up.

I want this phone call to end so I can go get more water so I can take some Tums. I want this phone call to end so I don't have to listen to these people any more. I don't want to check my voicemail in between my next two calls.

I want to jettison half of my responsibilities at work. I want to take on new, exciting, and WAY MORE FUN responsibilities, but I haven't the time or energy. I want my TL to act on this instead of just saying that we're in a tight transitional period and it's not possible right now.

I want my new meds to work better than my old meds. I want this med transition to go well. I want my wrists and thumbs to stop hurting.

I want Ox to talk. I want to hear what my boy's thinking about. I want Emi to love Kindergarten and not hate it because she'll have to get up early.

I want to not be freaking out about traveling this weekend for work. I want everything to go well so that I don't have to be awake for 30 hours straight. I want to go to the shiny store. I want to sleep and I want to visit with my favorite people there, not with the ones who've been making my life hell this week.

I want my PMS to wrap itself up already and my uterus to figure things out.

I'm tired of this. As may well be imagined.
sabine: (Default)
  • Yesterday my TL relayed some feedback from another team for me. According to the coordinator for one of my customers, I'm "a saint" for dealing with my lead analyst with patience and understanding and kindness in the face of her anger and attacks.
  • Also yesterday, I got to lead an internal meeting. Part of being the leader includes listing out the customers you work with, your hobbies, your interests, and other stuff. Another TL was astonished by how many customers I have and seriously asked how I balance everything. I think I gave some good tips, but I've been doing this for a really long time and it's been really busy for a really long time, so it's hard for me to scale it back to think about how a newer person would see it.
  • I'm starting to figure out how to draw knotwork. It requires more planning than my usual designs, so I should get a cheap eyeliner to sketch out on people, but it's a neat change.
  • What's the best method to create a stacked casing? I want to have cuffs with three bands of elastic. I'm not sure how best to do this. It's not going to be a trainwreck, but I'm certainly going to have my seam ripper near to hand.
  • I just have to hem my Mabel pencil skirt and I'm already planning my next one. I have some cream colored double knit and I was thinking that it would look boss with a stretch lace overlay on the side panels. That would mean finding some stretch lace. Hm.
  • Ox is gaining words on a daily basis. Sure, they're mostly signs and not vocalization, but he's finally made the mental connection between concepts and words. It's amazing and I'm so grateful.
  • Emi is going slowly stir-crazy. She misses school. We need to get her in a camp or lessons or something. Homegirl's brain needs occupation.
  • In a fit of insanity, I started a Spanish course on Duolingo in addition to my German course. Spanish is lots easier, since it's so far all review of things I already knew. Also, since I learned grammar from a teacher, I understand the rules behind pronouns and declension. In German, I'm struggling with those because I don't know the rules - I'm just trying to fit in the words with the patterns they're showing me, but they're not explaining the "why" behind the patterns.
  • I'm delighted with living in a future where I can have books or music read to me whenever I want. I can also pull up endless pages of reading material on a tiny device. And I can talk with people around the world and fix things or make things for them. It's pretty cool.

Frivolous!

Jun. 20th, 2014 04:44 pm
sabine: (Default)
I tore through the new Iron Druid book. It's delightful, terrifying, and OH GODS I NEED THE NEXT ONE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE **DOING** TO ME, MR HEARNE!

Anyway, it's a good book and Luke Daniels's narration is, as always, absofuckinglutely perfect.

Storium continues. Game A's players have decided to adopt dinosaurs. Game B's players are about to start a tavern brawl. Good times.
Sewing continues. My mission for tonight is to go to JoAnn's and acquire a double needle for hemming.
Werk continues. I actually bent my schedule to my will yesterday and got to do some awesome development. Today has sucked, as a consequence. Le sighe.
Henna practice continues. I've done some neat stuff lately.
Home continues. Kidz, yo.

Tonight is a birthday dinner up at the new-old Chinese buffet.
Tomorrow and Sunday are currently nothing, though there could be small child playing. Need to schedule, but it sort of depends on the Noah's flood stopping - it's a lot easier to let the kids run around like small monkeys when they can go inside or outside as they feel like it.
The weekend is coming. Eye of the Tiger.
sabine: (Default)
I am a person who finishes a beautiful mermaid baby blanket for a friend and only remembers to take a picture after giving it away.

I am a person who remains calm on phone calls when the other people are not even trying to stay calm.

I am a person who will step in and rescue the coffee maker and counter when someone starts a new pot of coffee before the old one is empty and the kitchen has coffee EVERYWHERE. Oy.

I am a person who paints her nails and draws henna designs to stay calm and centered.

I am a person who will go to Aldi tonight and buy a ton of blueberries.

I am a person who will get day 10 of the 30 day ab challenge done. I am a person who, after finishing the challenge, will have ice cream without guilt.
sabine: (Default)
Man, all I ever write about these days is being depressed, having anxiety, being exhausted, and having kids. What else is there in my life, you may well ask? Not really a whole lot.

Other things:
  • Sewing. I'm making progress on getting through the pile of UFOs on my sewing table. My black/red dress just needs the facing put in and the final seams done. I impulse purchased fabric for a new set of dance pants, and they're just waiting on casings at the ankle and waist to be elasticed. 
  • Also in Sewing, I joined the Collette Sew-Along for the Mabel skirt pattern. I have the pattern printed, though I need to tape it together and trace it. I have fabric and thread, I just need time and motivation.
  • Fitness. I made it to a 1 MINUTE PLANK last night! Woot! I joined a FB group that has daily challenges. It's all leg stuff and teacher M does worse things to us than this trainer, so I feel both smug and sad.
  • Crochet. The belated baby gift is 2/3 done. I have the yarn for my next 3 projects lined up. This is good.
  • Werk. Busy and stressful. Lots of getting yelled at and told to deal with things that shouldn't be my responsibility, but somehow are. Sigh.
  • Books. "Thirteenth Child" was way better than I'd expected. "Skin Game" is on my desk, waiting for me to have time to devour it. I tore through the Mercy Thompson series and am currently listening to the first Sookie Stackhouse book on Audible. The narrator is charming. Emi's currently obsessed with a set of Star Wars books I got her. Ox just likes books with rhymes or wheels.
  • Henna. I continue to do at least one design every day and post it to my FB page. I need to buy a new marker, though, as this one's starting to give out on me.
  • Style. I love my 50's style shirtdresses. They make me feel pretty! I also caved to ModCloth's sale and bought a new swimsuit. It's also 50's style, fits well, and flatters my chubby tummy. I don't feel like a million bucks in it, but I feel at least an order of magnitude more confident in it than in my old swimsuit. Also, as Downwood pointed out, I've had my old suit since before he met me, so it's not like I won't get my money's worth out of this one, even though it's way more expensive than any suit I've ever bought before.
So, yeah. There are things other than the jerkbrain and the kids. But those take up so much of my processing that I don't ever think to talk about the other things that happen. Dunno.

I'm going to go take a half xanax now and try to be productive. I can't be productive and be crying. Those two things don't go together.

Also, no matter what the jerkbrain says, I'm not a failure. I have a good job and a nice house. So I don't spend as much time keeping it clean as I should. So I don't spend as much time making the yard look nice as I should. So I eat junk food and don't cook good food for my family like I should. So I don't save as much money as I should. So I'm not as generous with my time as I should. The operative word in all those things is "should". That's a word that never helps.

What should I be doing? The best I can, being gentle with myself, letting go of "perfect", embracing "good enough", and continue to resist the self-harm impulses. That's both manageable and healthy, so that's what I "should" be doing. It's hard, but good.

bitties

Apr. 23rd, 2014 01:24 pm
sabine: (Default)
I have succeeded in making a Really Cool Thing work at werk!

I have purchased my supporting membership for Loncon so that I can get the Hugo packet and vote!

I have "Pretty Little Head" by Eliza Rickman stuck on endless loop in my head! I blame Welcome to Night Vale's latest weather.

I don't know the fandom they represent, but Espionage Cosmetics' Impending Storm nail wraps look very nice. Ox was quite interested in them last night, too. I got them as one of my two "free random wraps" from the Kickstarter. http://espionagecosmetics.com/nailed-it/impending-storm.html

Water, tea, more work. Then I think I'm going to skip the Heather Dale concert (woe is me) in favor of just going home and collapsing after werk.

I've said some really mean things to myself today, but my dress is still incredibly lovely, so the jerkbrain can just go pound salt.
sabine: (Default)
Friday - I have no idea. I made it through the day by the skin of my teeth. Went for a couple long walks. Read books with the kids.

Saturday - Cleaned my bathroom and worked on the den and my craft table. Made a really tasty and healthy dinner that all of us could eat.

Sunday - Finally made my pink headband and gloves to go with my pink dress. I've only been meaning to do that since I got the darn thing. I won't get a chance to wear it unless there's another signup for Newer Dancer Night. Bleah. Maybe we could have a "Wear really amazing dresses to class" night. Did all the loads of laundry. Continued my efforts to have a clean and tidy house. Read some. Read to the kids. Threw the kids outside to burn off energy. Called Mom, made sure she had all the tax stuff necessary and made a list of the things I needed to get for her.

I didn't get my new skirt made, but I got the pieces cut and pinned. I got all my UFOs gathered up and straightened. I didn't go get Ox's hair cut. I didn't beat myself up too badly about either of these things.

Monday - I only have one color left to go on my "Sunset Shawl". I changed the color scheme from what the pattern suggested, so it's more of a "Sabine's Favorite Colors Shawl" , but that's cool, too. I'm quite excited for RH's Bingo night tonight. I have henna and the latest Seanan McGuire book packed and ready to go. Still feeling emotionally unstable, but since that's nothing new, I can keep moving.

My customers are freaking out, but I'm staying mostly calm. I'm very, very caffeinated, I have pictures of my kids being squirrely, and I know that this, too, shall pass. I got to listen to the new "Welcome to Night Vale" on my drive in, which always makes the day just a bit more surreal. This is a good thing. I can call my sister after work to see if she got her very late bday present. This is also good.

A look ahead at the week:
Tuesday - Parent/Teacher Conference! Yay!
Wednesday - Curl up in a ball and hide.
Thursday - Newer Dancer Night? If I can get confirmation that (1) it happens and (2) someone I trust will be there the whole time, I'll bring Emi so she can see Momma dance.
Friday - Continue with the curling up in a ball and hiding
Saturday - Scion game at my house. I have a plan, but I need to write some things down.
Sunday - Sew something. Go downstairs and finish one of the UFOs. Done is beautiful.

sabine: (Default)
I feel like life is spiraling out of control. I know I need to give up some of my perfectionist tendencies - it's not helpful and just hurts me and my kids - but I can't yet.

I'm reading more and trying to remember to do things that are fun and relaxing. I'm trying to remember to be gentle with myself. Self-compassion and knowing that just because I messed up, I'm not a terrible person. I just need to learn and grow and not make the same mistake again.

Good things. Not bad things.

The den is still reasonably clean. I think this is the first time it's gone an entire week and not been a disaster area by the end. The TV room was actually reasonably clean, too. The kids' rooms are a mess, as is the kitchen. I did something like 7 loads of clothes over the weekend, and actually got it all folded and put away before bed yesterday. That's a small miracle.

Ox has FIVE WORDS! "Uh-unh" (No), "Bubbles", "Oops", "Red", "Thx" (thanks). I'm pretty sure he also is trying to say "Yellow", but it's tricky.

My left wrist is better today than yesterday. I wore my brace for most of the day because it was really hurting. I think it started to twinge after I told teacher M that I'd like to zil for Newer Dancer Night in 2 weeks. Not sure what I was thinking, but okay.

I have my Muppet stuff for dance again. I regret nothing.

I got a haircut on Saturday. It's way more layers than I expected, but cute. I can see under my bangs again, which is always a very good thing.

The time change has messed up all of us. My phone (aka, my alarm clock) was fine when I went to bed, but lapsed back an hour by this morning. Apparently, it thought I was both in Denver and in need of more sleep. I got to work late, but didn't miss anything.

I can rehenna my hand this afternoon. And apply some springy nail polish. This will help me feel pretty and more like myself.

I have Wonder Woman, 2 Minions, and a Devil Girl on my desk. They all offer various suggestions when I'm on a belligerent call where customers are insisting that I tell them best practices for an area not my own. They don't want to ask the right person! That's just crazy talk, apparently.

The audio book for The Night Circus is just as magical and even more heart-wrenching than the book. I'm having to take it slower than I read it, which is letting me enjoy the words and feel the environment more. I'm an hour and a half from the end and Marco and Celia are about to ask a question. Cool stuff.

I have Aleve and really good chocolate in my desk drawer. I can take a walk and get some lunch. I have new pictures of the kids to put around my desk and office. I have dance class tonight. I've been drinking too much lately, but it's let me try some really good beer and cider. I started wearing my fitbit again and tracking on habitrpg. The world would not be a better place were I not in it. I can keep taking my meds and keep taking the little steps every day to move forward with life.

Hungry and headachy means I'm sad and grumpy. Let's go fix both those things.
sabine: (Default)
Friday - ZOMG stress. Z.O.M.G. Just so much of the everything. I'm easily overwhelmed these days - it's why I stopped playing GW2 for a long time: I couldn't handle the stress of the game. Too overwhelming.

Saturday - Got morning snuggles and tickles from both kids, then off to the spa! I had an aromatherapy whirlpool bath and a facial and then got to sit in a comfy chair and read my book. I also "got" to fetch some groceries and fries. Spent the afternoon chilling out with GW2, books, cartoons, mediating inter-sibling altercations, and tea. Was very lazy.

Sunday - Got morning snuggles from Emi. After coffee and a bit of GW2, I told the family that we were all going to clean up the den. I was sick and tired of it being a cluttered wasteland of Stuff. I'm not sure how many bags of junk mail, old Amazon boxes, dislocated toys, clothes, and other stuff we took out of the room. Now it has a floor! And a comfy place to read books! And I can see my desk!

Also, I finally got our holiday cards mailed. Since it's, you know, MARCH, I also included my holiday thank you notes and a bunch of pictures in with the cards.

I also did my usual Sunday laundry sweep, but I kept forgetting about it, so it took a whole lot longer than it should have. Emi's getting really good at putting her clothes away by herself. Ox...not so much.

For dinner, I decided to make a simple veggie roast and rice. Something that no one's allergic to and we could eat together as a family. Emi REALLY wanted to help. Like whoa. So I let her measure the rice and pour in the water. I then let her peel the carrots. I showed her how - place the carrot on the cutting board, run the peeler over, rotate the carrot - and she was off like a shot. There was no blood and she did a really good job. I said she was my Official Carrot Peeler now and she was so darn proud of herself.

And then refused to eat any of them at dinner. Of course.

Bath time and bed time were both full of drama. After the kids finally fell asleep, I played a bit of GW2, finished my book, and went to bed early.

Today - So freaking cold. Again. I'm grumpy.

Since it's a Monday and I wasn't super excited by it, I decided to dig out my Muppet belt for class. While digging, I found my Muppet hair falls. So I'm rocking a blue Muppet ponytail at werk today. No one's said anything. Maybe being a Muppet makes me invisible. Maybe they just assume that I've entirely lost my mind and it's best to just not ask. Either way, I've noticed a significant decline in stupid questions, so maybe I should be a Muppet more often. It's hard to say.

I got an IM from Downwood that let me know I'd have the joy of reorganizing my dresser when I get home. Apparently, the nerdlings decided to empty my drawers of clothing. Given the known contents of the drawers, this could be difficult. Drawer 1 contained casual skirts. Drawer 3 contained tank tops. Drawer 2 contained athletic socks, dress socks, holiday socks, and pantyhose that likely is more run than nylon. Drawer 2 is what's making me cross about the situation. I get home Really Late on dance nights anyway and this just won't be fun.

I'm curious as to what our next choreo will be. Excited, too. And hoping my legs and back don't completely fall apart.


sabine: (Default)
Dogeweather phrasing is addictive. It's sort of like the Cute Overload phrasing in its simplistic style, but it has a great way of reducing somewhat terrifying weather to "Such cold. Much popsicle", so I'm not as worried by how freaking cold it is and how dangerous the windchill is. So I applied it to my mental weather today and am comforted.

I'm swinging wildly between happy and confident and wanting to hide from the world because I'm a rotten person. I have far too much to do at werk today and very little motivation to do it. Ox gave me huge hugs this morning and we had a good conversation (one-sided) about everything we could see outside.

Maybe I should make some vacation requests. That might give me something to look forward to while I'm here. I'm just run down and tired and there seems to be no end to this treadmill of soul-crushing work where I'm running faster and faster to stay in place. I've let my TL know that I'd like to do something different, but the process for switching to that role isn't defined. Soon. Maybe next year.

I talked to my seeester last night and it was lovely and good. She reminded me that there are good things in our lives, mainly that we're going to Germany next fall and it'll be awesome and wonderful. I need to get my passport renewed. I also want to look at cruises just to get the hell out of Dodge occasionally. This rut that I'm in is uncomfortable, blah, and just leads to me whining all over the place.

But it's sunny outside. My kids are adorable. Ox is so loving and he's working hard at learning to communicate. Emi is charming and trouble and a great kid. So what if the house is a mess? So what if I'm a mess? Things seem to be going pretty well, even if I can't always see it.
sabine: (Default)
Good things:
  • I can go up to town after work. I can pick up my kiddo's portraits (finally), go to the fabric store for beads, tribbles, and something shiny, and I can even go to the mega-store to see if they have a beer described as the most wonderous beer ever.
  • I have 3 more Dogfish Head Midas Touch beers at home. Holy crap, you guys. This beer is completely amazing. It's making me plan changes to my brewing wish list.
  • I had an excellent cider last night. I don't remember the brand, but it's just plain, straight-up, semi-sweet cider. Tasty.
  • I'm reading "Red Rising". Yet another "kids killing each other" dystopia novel, but instead of the poor, oppressed kids duking it out for the amusement of the rich and powerful, it's the rich and powerful kids going to "war" with each other to prove that they have what it takes to be the next leaders of men. With a twist, natch, but it's more adult than YA, which is kind of nice. And the hero fucks it up every so often, which is also nice.
  • Sunday is the Soooooooper Bowl, so we're going to have friends over for good food and relaxed times. I also have a tattoo appointment in the morning. I'm excited and a little nervous, since it'll be my wrist. Visible and I'm expecting painful. But pretty, elegant, and ladylike. So there's that.
  • I finally figured out how to log my morning cycling to my Fitbit. It doesn't measure pulse, just motion, so it doesn't pick up on the legs going round and round. I'm feeling a bit wobbly right now, but that's okay.
  • I'm aware of my internal monologue and the things I say to myself. I'd never talk to another person this way, nor would I let someone else talk to me like this. Awareness is the first step to changing it, but it's really hard.
  • I'm wearing a bracelet Emi made for me. It has all sorts of beads including "Purple, because it's your favorite color, Momma". She's amazing and wonderful, even though she's a total pill at times.
  • I don't have back to back to back meetings today.
sabine: (Default)
2013. Yeah. I'm done with you.

I learned what the bones inside my forearm and ankle look like.
I learned what a broken bone feels like and how freaking long it takes to fully heal.
I learned that Xanax is truly weird stuff.
I learned how to play several new computer games
I re-learned how to hold a tiny baby. (Love you, Bash! Aunt Sabine misses you!)
I tried to learn how to knit
I learned what it feels like to have your kid put under anesthesia and how the waiting seems to take ages.
I learned that our health insurance is totally amazing and I need to excel at my job to keep it.
I learned all about occupational therapy and how annoying an ongoing condition can be.
I learned how to apply henna body art and get a little good at it.

I performed a semi-serious piece at a hafla (Carousel).
I performed a graceful veil 10/8 number at a gala-hafla (Lama Bada)
I performed a very silly supervillian song at a hafla (Suprema Lex)
I performed at the Hookah Lounge once or twice.

I bought a lot of fabric and even used most of it in a reasonably speedy manner.
I bought a serger
I bought a truly bling-tastic bra and belt set new from Dahlal and two other bedlah from Bhuz.
I bought craft materials specifically for my kids to use
I bought craft materials for new projects I haven't even started yet.
I bought a LOT of books and a LOT of music. These feed my soul.
I bought whiskey and chocolate and antidepressants.
I bought new lightboxes for home and work and could immediately tell the difference.

I traveled to Dallas and Miami for work
I traveled to Iowa and Illinois for family

Next year, I'd like to:
Go on a vacation. We were thinking GenCon, but I'll likely have a cousin getting married in New Mexico
Go to my grandparents' 60th anniversary party
Not injure any more of my limbs. Or my core. Or, really, any part of me.
Get in shape so that I can dance better
Perform a couple of times
Find a better coping mechanism so I can be present for my family when they need me
Replace Downwood's Jeep with something a bit more reliable and more sturdy.
Read
Dance
Spend time with my friends
Spend time with my family
Make things
Be gentle with myself and give up on always trying to be perfect. That way lies more madness.

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sabine

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