sabine: (Default)
 Five things for today

One - This semester's CS class is going to be awesome. Not only am I taking it with one of my BFFs, but also our professor is fantastically sarcastic with an engaging teaching style.

Two - I listen to more non-fiction books and I read more fiction. Part of this is because of the Great Courses series on Audible. Part of this is that if I actually have time to sit down and read, I usually want to escape. But right now I'm reading "The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck". It's KonMari for the soul. I need this.

Three - Inauguration Day. Oh gods. I need to call my senators. Again. #RESIST

Four - In an hour, I'll be buying tickets to go see Welcome to Night Vale live. With [personal profile] replyhazy . I AM SO EXCITED I CAN BARELY CONTAIN MYSELF. Also, I get to go see PMJ with my sister in 9 days.

Five - Donating to Planned Parenthood. Partly because it's the right thing to do. Partly because people are awesome and help incentivize it. http://puzzlesforprogress.francisheaney.com/

Bonus - Going to write another Fairy Tale Fragment today. Not sure what about yet, not sure if I can make it upbeat and hopeful. But I'm-a give it a try. 
sabine: (Default)
I feel rather put together today.
  • Thanks to college teaching me that I don't really like my natural hair color, I have freshly hennaed hair in a deep wine red.
  • Thanks to Teacher M showing me that peacocks make one happy, I have a turquoise shirt and a gold and cream scarf patterned with teal peacock feathers
  • Thanks to the Field Museum, I have purple socks with dinosaurs on.
  • Thanks to my grandmother teaching me to crochet when I was small, I have lacy fingerless gloves to ward off the chill of my office.
  • Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] replyhazy , I have gold Alegria clogs with roses and skulls. They are spectacular.
  • Thanks to the internet introducing me to Espoinage Cosmetics, I will shortly put in very little effort and have red and black sparkly nails.
  • Thanks to Headspace, I'm slowly gaining a sense of clarity and mindfulness that's helping put some distance and perspective around my anxiety. I'm still full of bees, but we're also getting some honey.
sabine: (Default)
I bought a new iPhone charger from ThinkGeek. It's a string of Christmas lights. It is glorious and makes me smile when I look at it.

I will be finalizing packages to send to PA and TX tonight. I will probably delegate the actual visiting of the post office to Downwood, but I will have the gifts out of the house and on their way to make far-flung friends happy.

I have a haircut and brow wax tomorrow after work. WOO!

I will be re-henna-ing my hair on Saturday. Sparkly hair for the holidays!

We have gaming on Sunday. Will be able to hand out xmas presents, too. Though I didn't get one of them finished. Oh, well. It doesn't have to be elaborate. It'll be fine.

Somewhere this weekend we'll have to bottle the Saison de Noel. I MUCH prefer the brewing to the bottling. Bottling is no fun. But bottling this weekend means we can drink it on xmas. And that I'll have enough room in the Brewing Closet to start a batch of Innkeeper Ale and a test batch of Cranberry Mead.

Only 10 more work days and then a long break.

Also, the book I was listening to ("Off to be the Wizard") had a main character who was being a dumbass. So I put it back and started re-listening to "The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making". This was a good decision
sabine: (Default)
Even though my previously favorite skirt no longer zips, I have a skirt bought around the same time that's still flattering and comfortable.

In searching for the shirt that I wore to my kids' birthday party 2 years ago, I found a t-shirt on my shelf that's astonishingly cheerful coral flowers.

I am one with the glitter body lotion. It's permeating all my stuff. My car glitters. My purse glitters. My clothes glitter. I'm fabulous, y'all.

The coffee cart at work brought back their Magic Coffee for the summer. It's iced coffee with brown sugar, cinnamon, half-and-half, and crack. It's only been here for 2 days and it's already owning my soul. To combat this, I've tasked Downwood with starting some iced coffee at home, and I'll figure out how to make the sweetener myself.

I told Emi this morning how proud I was of her yesterday. She did 2 loads of dishes all by herself (mostly. Daddy helped/supervised). She was SO PROUD. Apparently, when Downwood started doing dishes, she had a TOTAL MELTDOWN because he wasn't letting her help. So he filled the sink with clean water, put in her dishes, and told her to go to town. So proud. So big.

We started a new choreography last night. It's an OMG!Fast drum solo. It has some nifty call/response sections, a 10/8 section, and we got about a minute into it last night. This is a minute of choreography that Teacher M made up on the fly for us, so it was even more impressive that we got that far in 35 minutes.

We also got to dance for several minutes to a lovely saxophone tacsim. It was ooey, gooey, and so very much fun. M had to run out to her car for the music, so it was just free dance for those minutes. It was fantastic and felt really good.

I published the first scene in my Storium game this morning. Let's see how this goes.

I got most of our bills paid online this morning. I have a few more checks to write and then I'm done for a couple weeks. The glow of accomplishment looks good on me.
sabine: (Default)
I got home late last night. I got home late because after work I went to the spa and had a nice lady use very hot stones to try to convince my muscles to relax. I melted into a little puddle of Sabine, then made my way home.

At home, I found an Emi watching cartoons, an Ox already fast asleep, and a husband who felt like death. I sent the husband to bed with NyQuil and watched some cartoons with Emi. Then I put Emi in bed and had some lovely quiet time before putting myself in bed.

Today, I'm sore in the way of muscles having been used and moved, not so much in the "oh gods, everything is trying to kill me". I'm wearing my new Frozen/Wicked mashup shirt. Ox helped me organize my nail polish this morning. Ozma's zil drill videos are inspiring.

I've started looking at cruises again. And looking at the bed and breakfast we stayed at in October. And tropical resorts. The urge to just get away from all the pressure and stress and worry and responsibility is huge.

I'm keeping my head up and my shoulders down and back. I'm trying to breathe. It's really cold outside and I have a giant coffee. I've gotten stood up on one conference call already today, but finished my Mensa puzzle in good time.

I love purple. I love glitter. I have minions and Wonder Woman on my desk to help me handle things. I can keep swimming.

huh

Jan. 2nd, 2014 10:40 am
sabine: (Default)
If anyone else talked to me the way I talk to myself in my head, I'd leave. I'd call them a bully and a mean person and I'd have nothing further to do with them.

So why do I do it? 

I internalized too much of the criticism over the years. I internalized too much of the media focus on "you must be slender and beautiful or else all your other accomplishments mean nothing". It's way easier to think bad things than try to change the script.

Fuck that noise. I can do this. I don't have to be limited by brain chemistry or past failure. I can do this. I can stop the "I'm fat and ugly and it's no wonder I'm sad all the time because I don't have talent or ambition or perseverance or any of the things that make successful people successful".

Yes, my BMI is overweight. Yes, I'm squishy around the middle. Yes, I feel uncomfortable in belly-baring tops. So. Fucking. What. I have amazing legs, a great rack (especially when I wear a bra that fits well), and elegant arms and shoulders. Yes, I need to get more exercise to help my mood and to let me dance more and outrun zombies. When I wear clothes that fit and make an effort, I'm pretty.

I'm pretty fucking talented, too. I'm smart and can book-learn things quickly. I've taught myself things like sewing, crochet, mini painting (with input from Downwood), and lately I've started learning how to henna. I can do these things because I want to.

I can dance. Even if I feel like an ungraceful spastic squirrel, that's no need for me to give up. Fuck that. So I'm not slender and bendy enough or practice enough to be a rotation dancer. So. Fucking. What. That's not the only measure of success for dancing. When Ox is handed a length of glitter dot material, he demands that I tie it 'round his waist. Then he dances and shimmies like a maniac. That right there is success. Emi loves to dance. That right there is success. Both of them love to drum. Downwood loves to drum. We have family drumming time. That right there is success.

I'm a good mom. I work a lot, but when I'm home, I try to be there for my kids. They can be total pills, but Emi's idea that our family resolution should be More Hugs is a good thing. Ox is a snuggle bug. Emi is a snuggle bug. I don't yell and I don't hit or spank. When they do something wrong I remove them from the situation and explain. Emi takes it really hard. Ox isn't sure yet, but he's 2 and he'll get there. They're good kids, inquisitive kids, and I love them to pieces. I help them explore the things that they're curious about and try to plan things for us to do together. I'm a good mom and I'm not hurting them by being around.

Fuck all that hating crap that's constantly on repeat in my head. I don't need it. I don't need any of it. I'm tired, I'm physically hurting, and I'm hungry. And I don't need anything else trying to drag me down.

I'm a human being. I have value. I will see another sunrise. I will give and receive more hugs.

This is going to take work. And time. And being gentle with myself.

So be it.
sabine: (Default)
It is resolved that:
  1. I shall use my light box, drink tea, and try not to freak out about how broken I'm feeling. Winter's just starting: we have LOTS of dark yet ahead of us.
  2. No matter what my jerkbrain says, there are things that won't make it better.
  3. Emi and Ox need Momma.
  4. I will go to class and enjoy the hell out of teacher M's new choreography.
  5. I will get up tomorrow and go to work. When I get home, I'll have a new CD and two new books to read.
  6. I will make it through today, tomorrow, and the next days after that. I will keep going.
  7. I will take Emi and Ox trick-or-treating. Not sure how many houses Ox'll be able to handle - his legs are still pretty short. Emi and I will canvass the entire town, if necessary. After, we'll go through her candy and exchange what she can't have for what she's not allergic to. We will then set up a rationing system. There will be negotiations.
  8. I have some pretty sewing projects just for me. I also have some gifts to make. If I'm not around to make them, the fabric will go to waste. And that would be terrible.
  9. Eventually, the Hogswatch gifts I ordered from Zulily will get here. Then I can add them to my gift stash. If I'm not around, those gifts won't be given to the right people. Those people then won't be happy and know that someone was thinking of them. That would also be terrible.
  10. I haven't had a chance to wear my new dresses yet. I need to do that. That's a good reason to keep going through these days.
And so it goes. It's not good in my head these days. Trying to force it to be better just doesn't work.

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