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Downwood's right foot has decided to stop working. Stabbity pain and everything. So I took advantage of our sick leave policy and stayed home. Got kids on bus, got house picked up, got kid off of bus, and got Downwood to the dr. Work took this opportunity to explode, but I ignored it and continued running after kids, cleaning, and shopping.

I'm exhausted. Like, constantly. Fitbit thinks I'm sleeping okay and long enough, but it doesn't feel like it.

I went for comfort in my attire for today. Jeans that are far too big, WtNV shirt, Browncoat Whiskey hoodie, fuzzy purple boots, and my GitNB beanie. Not stylish, not pretty, but warm and cozy.

I'm still actively angry about the results of the election. I'm calling DC frequently. I refuse to be gaslit and accept that this is our new normal. This is not okay.

My next UW course starts on Thursday. I should really pay my tuition. It's about machine-level language, so not sure what we'll be doing. But I'll be taking it with [Bad username or site: bexdragon, @] so that will be fun.

I'm looking forward to sewing this weekend. My subtle Starfleet cosplay fabric arrived yesterday, so that's on the docket, as are some sweaters and quilt blocks. Sewing makes me happy. I like making things
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Before buying any fabric yesterday, I made a list of the things that I want to make and what I would need to make them. Other than time, of course. I need to go through my closet and weed out things that either don't fit or I don't like. I need to make room. Maybe. We'll see if this works or falls on the altar of "time? what time?"

I'm going back and forth between feeling much better and feeling still sick. I'm exhausted and feel cruddy, but not so cruddy that I can avoid doing all the things that I need to do every day.

I drew a thing with my Micron pens today. It was nice.

With the start of the new year, I can re-read some of my favorite books and get Goodreads credit. There are a few books that I re-read every year.I love it.

Everything is moving so fast and yet standing still. I'm not sure how that works... 
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Thanks to a stellar performance on my final programming project and the good graces of our professor applying a very, very slight curve, I'm sitting at a 4.0 GPA. EVERYBODY HAPPY DANCE!

I've received my official assignment for my Werk Conference of Doooom cosplay. During the massive Tuesday night shindig, I'm the Queen of Hearts! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! I don't have to be QoH the whole week if I don't want to. I have permission to be both Cheshire and White Rabbit if I so choose. MWAHAHAHAHA! Now to negotiate with my official costumer and buy bunny ears.

Kid birthday party is Sunday. I have a Google Doc with lists of things to do, find, clean, buy, and prep. This is how I roll. Our allergy-friendly menu will be hot dogs (Emi only), chips, fruit punch, and sno-cones. I'm tempted to make some Rice Krispy treats, just to have something in which to stick candles. I have face paint, glitter tattoos, DIY bouncy balls, sidewalk chalk, and the entirety of the park to run around in. And lures for the Pokestop that's next to the shelter.

I've spent nearly an hour and a half on the phone with a customer that's not mine. I'm the expert they need, though, so I'll stay on the line. I am both the voice of reason and the voice of experience. They're at a better place now than when their tech manager called me in a panic, so it's all good.

My EC Boom!Box is on the way. I'm SO EXCITED to see what I get! Mystery makeup!!

I'm listening to the Iron Druid Chronicles again. I'm on Hammered and things are starting to go horribly wrong for Atticus.

As always, I have too much to do at work, but I'm doing okay with it so far. So far. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.
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Less than a week to go in my Comp Sci class. Final exam is next Monday. Am I ready? Not in the slightest.

Work is crazy. There are so many competing projects and priorities and people panicking over nothing.

School starts relatively soon. We haven't done our shopping yet. We haven't done enough to encourage Alex and the potty. I'm not home much and would rather snuggle than scold when I *am* there. The house is a wreck and I don't have the spare energy to do anything about it.

Coffee with the dance ladies on Sunday was nice. It was good to see friends and get out of the house.

I've been good about getting away from my desk for lunch every day. WoofTrax tells me that I'm walking between 1-2 miles daily. More on the weekends, natch, but even on weekdays I'm usually getting a mile or 1.5 in. I'm also level 17 in Pokemon Go. These things are related, as is the ache in my left hip and ankle and the sudden increase of freckles on my forearms.

We thought my car was seriously broken, but it stopped making the scary noise overnight. I need to call to have the mechanics fix a known issue anyway. But I'm pretty much out of money for the month, thanks to the OMG!Urgent fix at the start of the month.

I started listening to a book that Audible and other review sites assured me was hilarious. I had to turn it off because I was so uncomfortable for the characters. I identify too much with social awkwardness and get really embarrassed for the characters. This happens with books, TV, movies, etc. I can't step back and find the things funny that 90% of other people do. Wacky hijinks based on misinterpreted social cues don't amuse me - they cause me distress.

I have a ton of things on my plate at work and none that I want to do. I *want* to go home, sleep, do some homework, sew, and read a book that I know won't cause me mental anguish (currently, "Beauty" by Robin McKinley. So good).

Just...feeling overwhelmed, tired, and stuck. I'm trying to take the steps to take care of myself, but it's hard. Everything's hard.
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I really want ThinkGeek to make this real: baRPG

Audible's free deal of the day is amazing.

If I have more than one cup of coffee - whether the second cup is drip or fancy - I start getting anxiety symptoms. Tea doesn't seem to do this to me. Farewell, second coffee! I will miss you!

I have cleared one of my two credit cards. I am looking forward to taking out a big chunk of the other card with my tax refund.

I already want to reach through my computer and slap someone. Not a good way to start the day.

EDIT: Today's Welcome to Night Vale is exceptionally creepy. I approve.

Rainy day

Mar. 31st, 2016 10:41 am
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The view from my window today is not motivating. It is gray and rainy and icky. Bleah.

I'm wearing "I don't care" clothes today. Bright red palazzo pants (so comfy), xkcd shirt, UW ball cap, WtNV hoodie, and my favorite walking shoes. This doesn't actually improve my mood at work, I've found. If I look nice, I think I do better work, since I feel better about things. At least I'm comfortable.

Emi and I are continuing to cheer each other on in our 30 Day Plank Challenges. It feels good to do this with her, even as she's CRUSHING ME. Her starting baseline time was 30 seconds longer than mine. I'm so proud!

I felt virtuous last night. I finally submitted my nominations for the Hugo ballot. I worked primarily from my Goodreads shelf, sorting by publication date. Turns out that I'm REALLY BAD at reading new books in a timely manner. Lately I've been really bad at reading in general. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I really wish they served booze at work. This phone call is killing my soul. I've explained the same thing approximately SEVEN THOUSAND TIMES. Argh.

Platypus Evolution and Octopus Evolution are stupid time sinks, but they're oddly soothing little games. The critters rapidly become things that wouldn't look out of place at a petting zoo in Night Vale. I like it.

I'm on an anxiety roller coaster spiral deathmatch today. Various unpleasant emotions are cluttering up my mind. I'm using the tricks and tools from years of therapy and meditation, but it sucks.

friday yay

Feb. 5th, 2016 03:09 pm
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It's Friday! Woo!

Tonight is for dropping the car off to get fixed, dinner with friend, books, and buying of ice cream
Tomorrow is for Ice Cream For Breakfast Day, calling Mom to sing Happy Birthday, and picking up my car from the fixers.

Downwood and I just passed 50k words on this thing we've been writing. We started it on 1/6. Therefore, we won a NaNo.

KUEC just said, in response to someone on Twitter wondering if there are dildos in Star Wars, "Anywhere there are humans, they have invented dildo technology! Humans are just like that." I'm laughing too hard to breathe. Now they're discussing the anthropology and archaeology of dildos. I. can't. breathe.

Work is making me crazy. Whatever.

Emi has a pretty nasty chest cold. She shared it with me. She's been pretty miserable lately.

Alex is trying new words and new sounds every day. He's becoming more and more vocal. It's an amazing, wonderful thing.

I've done a good job (I think) managing anxiety this week. Meditation is helping. I'm very much enjoying the Self Esteem pack so far! 15 down, 15 to go.

My zendoodles and zentangles are becoming popular-ish on Instagram. Actual artist people seem to like them. Enormously flattering.

Friday. Yay!
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I am wearing lipstick today. It's almost exactly the same color as my lips normally are, but with a gold shimmer. It still counts toward my resolution.

I got to play Lego with Alex yesterday afternoon. He got to do a color consult on a tangle I drew. He proved that he knows more words: door, locked, on, off, big, small, tea, pee.

Downwood gets to have a couple more MRIs and a seizure test. The neuro folks are concerned, but not worried.

My anxiety hasn't seemed so bad lately. This is a nice thing to realize.

Downwood and I are up to 13k words in this game thing. It's starting to be a respectable story. He says I'm a better writer than he is, especially with dialogue. I said that I read a lot more than he does and I've been reading aloud to the kids for a while. There may be other ways to learn about voices, but it's a pretty good one.

I haven't been able to sit and read lately. My attention span isn't working for it. I can sit and write, which is incredibly weird, but I can't read.

My silver Alegria mary jane heels continue to be stompy and sparkly and awesome.

I may be getting some of my responsibilities shifted at work. This will be a good thing, as it'll let me get back to doing other things that I love.

I made my will save against buying new fabric just because it was on sale. I am victorious!
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I put on eye makeup, but forgot lipstick. Bleah.

The new Star Wars Legos are AMAZING. Downwood bought me the set with the Maz minifig. Best husband ever. Considering spending some Christmas money on more sets. There's one with a minifig of GENERAL ORGANA. Be still, my fangirl heart.

Dance last night was good. The choreography is very zippy. I'm continuing with my "walk like a Sith" approach to body language and posture. It's still dreadfully amusing, especially when doing tush pushes.

Almond lattes are wonderful.

I found some note cards in the supply room that are entirely blank on one side. I've started doing my work zentangles on those in addition to my lined notebook. I try to post something daily to Instagram. It makes me really proud when "real" artists "like" my pictures. I'm very proud, especially when I go to their feed and look at their amazeballs work.

My "Ms Zero" nail wraps are finally giving up. I put these on over New Year's Eve, so I've gotten a pretty good run out of them. They're really pretty and I'll totally buy them again when they go on sale. Emi lost her mind when she saw that I had Elsa nails.

P4P released a new slim fit raglan shirt pattern today. I want it.

Every so often throughout the day, my Headspace app will pop something up on my phone to remind me to be mindful. The one just now said "When was the last time you did something for the first time?". Hm. Excellent question, phone.
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It's snowing. Has been for a while now. Gorgeous fluffy flakes. It looks very slippery. I'm not enthusiastic about going to dance and driving home very late through this.

The weekend was good. We had friends over for board games on Saturday. Pandemic killed us quickly. The Shadow Over Westminster killed everyone but the Templar, who turned out to be working for the Darkness all along. Templars!

Sunday was for laundry, taking down the Christmas decorations, cleaning, and trying to not freak out about the upcoming week. My dad sent us a gorgeous beef tenderloin that Downwood cooked to PERFECTION. It was amazing and wonderful and all things good.

Alex spent the weekend showing off his new words. He has lots. This is an amazing thing. We always knew that he had a lot to say and now he's able to share some of what's going through his head.

Emi spent the weekend being demanding and difficult. She gets bored easily and isn't good at it. She'd rather have us entertain her than try to entertain herself. This is unpleasant for everyone.

Downwood and I spent the weekend doing chores and writing in a game we've played off and on over the years. We're at 9.1k words, which is nothing to sneeze at.

I feel like I never get enough done on the weekends. I have TWO WHOLE DAYS to be productive and I just don't manage it most of the time. And then I start imagining catastrophes and feeling bad about how I expect the upcoming week to go. And it just doesn't feel good. I'm doing better at spending time with the uncomfortable feelings, labeling whether I'm thinking or feeling and whether it's pleasant or unpleasant. It's a trick from Headspace and it's helping.

And it's snowing harder. 1.5 hours until I make the call on what I think the roads will be like after 9. Ick.

the HELL?

Oct. 8th, 2015 02:28 pm
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 Came home from work after new psych app't and found Amazon box. Full of music theory textbooks.

What. The. HELL?

No one in our house knows a damn thing about music theory. I chatted with Amazon help and they can find no record of anyone sending me these as a gift.

I haz a confused. I haz a BIG confused.

So I'm sending the books back to Amazon. I just...the HELL?
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I left work at 4:45. I'd been there since 7:15, so that was fine.

I sorted out our hotel for Sunday night. I found something that will meet all of our needs.

I got my LED lights from Amazon for the Glow Cloud costuming. HOLY CRAP BUT THEY ARE BRIGHT. Do not look directly at the Glow Cloud. They will do nicely. I still have to figure out a top to wear and get some white/off white chiffon to make a floaty cloud wrap in which to embed some of the LEDs. I may have also bought some Glowbys, just because.

Kids are cute. Kids have both already been given their "big" gifts from Momma and Daddy. Emi got a replacement Violet dog toy (her original got lost on a trip and she's been heartbroken) and Ox got a digger for the sandbox. 

The mint chocolate ice cream bars from Schwann's are amazing.

My new insoles seem to be pretty good. I'm not sure that they're as awe-inspiring as the package made them sound, but they are comfy.

I got to read the first installment of "Indexing: Reflections". Whoa. I'm also listening to "The Goblin Emperor". It's delightful, but hard to keep names straight.

I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday.

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Work is batshit crazy. My task list is out of control, as is my notepad, as is my inbox. I am slowly, slowly restoring order from chaos. I've put out the fires and am getting some things done before the next outbreak.

Therapy yesterday was no fun, as usual. Trying to confront the fact that my internal monologue is not very nice to me. The lists of Rules are really not helpful. Don't look like you're sad. Don't look like you're worried. Don't admit that you're not enjoying life. Don't brag. Be proud but never boast. Pride is a sin, anyway, so you should stop that, too. Don't take the last piece of anything. Stop taking up so much space. Be perfect. Always, always be perfect.

Kidz are kids. Ox is getting more and more vocal. Not so much with the words, but still MOAR SOUNDS! Emi is creative, strong, and determined. And sometimes a pill.

Still can't play GW2. Stupid anxiety, but this is apparently a break I need to take.

I got past the uncomfortable place in my book ("The Magicians", Lev Grossman) - the place where I could see the main character about to make some incredibly stupid mistakes and had to put the book down because the Fictional Uncertainty Principle states that until the badness is observed (read) the characters are still okay - and now am in a part that's less uncomfortable and more interesting. I want to slap the main character, but he's 21 and hasn't yet figured out that the world doesn't actually owe him squat, much less happiness.

I'm listening to "Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers", which is both interesting and gross. But mostly interesting.

The people in the offices around me seem to do nothing but socialize all day. This wouldn't be bothersome except that one of them is someone I'm trying to train to be amazing and I just want her to do her work, dammit.

I'm not doing any of the SitG workshops or shows. The workshops seem expensive for what I may or may not get out of it. Also, I'd much rather hang with friends in a lower-stress environment than sit through a show. Dunno. Am emotionally, mentally, and physically tired.

I wonder if there's a time next week when I can call in sick and go get a tattoo. That'd be nifty.
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I wonder if I had the front and back of this shirt mixed up when I cut them out and sewed it up. It seems to want to have the front neck way higher than the back neck. #seamstressproblems.

Emi gets to go back to the dentist today. She has two tiny cavities that need to be dealt with. She also already has her 6-year molars in, so they're going to put some sealant on them. I told her that the dentist is nice - he's the best dentist I've had in DECADES - and he'll answer any question she wants to ask before he starts. #needtobrushbetter

Work is making me crazy. Just too many things going on. Some of these, I don't really care what they end up deciding, just DECIDE! Some of them, I just want them to do what I tell them and to freaking LISTEN. #techsupportwoes

I need to get to Walgreens. I also need to suck it up, be an adult, and call the insurance company. No me gusta. #mentalstateneedshelp

I had a meeting way across campus in another building. The meeting got over early and this building happens to have a coffee cart. I got a fancy coffee. I'm a little buzzed now. #wheeeeeee
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I decided to make a smoothie for breakfast. Emi came trudging out as I was cutting up strawberries and asked if she could share. So I didn't get as much smoothie as I wanted, but we both were happy to share. Frozen blueberries, fresh strawberries, fresh banana, ice cubes, and vanilla-sweetened coconut-based coffee creamer. If only the non-dairy yogurts were cheaper!

Ox was sort of awake when I went into his room this morning. He was sitting up and his eyes were open, but he was not totally online yet. So I got a morning snuggle, which was nice.

Today is Friday and we have no weekend plans. I'm hoping for sleep and for my sewing machines to start working again.

Didn't really sleep worth a darn last night and woke up with my back and neck knotted into new, painful configurations. No me gusta.
My new officemate is also a "get into work early" person. Drat. I was looking forward to having quiet time to get stuff done. But she didn't chat and took off for a meeting (I think), so it's not totally bad.

I got here early and I have a lot of more hours to go before I can leave.

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Memorial Day weekend was nice, except for the STIR-CRAZY KIDS on Sunday. We had Au's family over and it was very nice and relaxed.

My office moved. I now have a window and an office partner. The building isn't yet done being constructed. I'm not a fan. I pretty much have all my stuff arranged. Just...not a fan.

I found my Fitbit and got it charged. Maybe more motivation to get off my duff and get active? We'll see.

Both of my sewing machines decided to chew up fabric, so they're in time-out. I *think* I just need to rethread the serger, but I don't know what's going on with my double-needle hemming on my standard machine. Blast.

My jerkbrain is very, very loud. I haz a sad.

It's almost the end of the school year. Emi has a mini-golf outing, a picnic, and a graduation/concert. She's very excited for summer - she gets to play softball and - this is the big one - get to have SWIMMING LESSONS. Beside herself with joy, I tell you.

I'm alternating between mediocre fantasy/urban fantasy books and mediocre romance novels. I've not read anything amazing in a while. Sad.
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I was sitting here at my desk with the DON'T WANNA WORK mantra going through my head. It was exacerbated a bit by some of the emails I've been answering this morning. Just very frustrating stuff.

And then I take a Facebook check break and see a new recipe up from Thug Kitchen and I get a gigglefit that makes the badness of today seem not so bad.

So I take another drink of my iced coffee and get back to being a badass tech, including raining fear and despair down on n00bs who had the bad luck to have their projects graded by The Perfectionist. Mwahahaha!
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I love my hair stylist. She makes me feel special and pretty. And she does really neat things with my hair. Going to an actual stylist at an actual salon is more expensive than Great Clips, but I'm okay with it.

Ox is a sweetheart and a pill. He only wants Momma to put him to bed, which is generally okay, but awkward on nights when Momma gets home late and wants to finish dinner. He gives the best hugs.

I read Bryony and Roses by T. Kingfisher (aka [ profile] ursulav) today. It's another retelling of Beauty and the Beast and is very well done. It's mostly about gardening. There are other pieces of the traditional story, but it's about growing things and hard work and waiting.

Emi is watching the new Strawberry Shortcake cartoon on Netflix. All the berry girls are trying to break records. The records they want to break? Highest Hairstyle. Tallest Souffle. Most Stitches in a Dress. Most Pirouettes. The only one that's not intensely stereotypically girly is the one who wants the record for reading the fastest. Christ. Insipid twits. And now it turns out that the "record judges" are really doctors who are concerned by the weird behavior spreading through the population. *headdesk*

I think I'm finally on the mend from this cold bug. Less coughing, fewer sneezes, way less sinus pain. Woot! Just in time for long weekend!

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Good - Passed my dental checkup with flying colors

Good - My dental hygenist is our across-the-street neighbor. She's having a baby, probably on July 3. Our next door neighbor is having a little girl, probably on July 9. MOAR TINY NEIGHBORS!

Bad - Got into work and got informed that when we move offices in a couple weeks, I'll be forced to have an officemate. I'll get a window, but I told them I'd rather have a closet with no windows than have to have someone in my space all day long. I told my TL that this is going to significantly negatively impact my productivity, but apparently the designers of the new buildings assume EVERYONE wants a window and a friend, so they built very few interior offices. Fuckers.

Good - A couple of pattern vendors are having sales. So I got a pattern I'd been wanting and then blog surfed from one designer to another and found someone with a cute kid racerback dress for free.

Bad - My teeth hurt from the poking, prodding, and scraping.

Good - I no longer sound like I'm dying.

Bad - Still coughing. Yuk

Good - Weekend starts in 90 minutes.

Bad - Probably going to rain all weekend, which will make us not want to go to the Janesville Ren Faire like we'd planned.

Also Bad - My motivation to do work has fled. Yipes
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Voice is still growly. Coughing *seems* less.

Downwood found Ox's lovey! Bedtime contentment restored.

I purchased a travel backpack and a theft-resistant purse for our trip. I may yet purchase a new carry-on bag. I just don't want to deal with hassle in Germany.

This petal skirt seems reasonable ( This petal skirt does not (, unless you *want* everyone at the company party to know what brand and style of undies you prefer.

The audiobook for Of Noble Family is lovely. It's also intensely uncomfortable. The narrators are really selling the characters and since this is Regency England and the characters are on a sugarcane plantation on Antigua...yeah. For my homeward commute, I'm placing a bookmark where I am now and then jumping to the last couple chapters. I can handle those...probably. Many feels.

My kids are growing so fast. They still need hugs and snuggles, but they're not babies anymore. *sniff* They're small people with minds of their own. And senses of humor. I need to not screw this up too badly.

Do they do Groupons or deals for the Field Museum and Shedd Aquarium? We're thinking that dinosaurs and fishies will make a good birthday treat for our nature-loving kiddos.

I have my semi-annual dentist appointment tomorrow. Yey. But then it's over for 6 months. So, yay?


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