sabine: (Ball-cap cartoon)
Dear Emi,

Your mommy is a slacker. I was supposed to write something for your 2nd month birthday, but I never did it. I was still home with you every day and it was more important for me to be enjoying you than sitting at my computer. I don't regret this a single bit. Now, I'm back at work, so my brain has a bit more time to consider and think about topics that I'd like to post about.
More letter and pictures )
sabine: (pooch and percival snoozing)
It should come as no great surprise that Downwood and I are Discovery channel junkies. We both like explosions, science, and learning nifty things about our universe. Now that we get it in HD, we watch even more.

One of our favorite "commercials" is the Boom De Yada song. They've done a couple versions of it with their show hosts.
Discovery Channel vids )

XKCD did a version of it, too.

And here's my version of it. I sing this with Emi every day.

I love your blue eyes
And your little nose.
From your forehead
Way down to your toes.
I love all of you
And I always will.
Boom de yada x4

In the morning
When the sun is bright,
And in the evening,
And even late at night
I love you all the time
of every single day.
Boom de yada x4

I love your smiles
And how you lose your socks
I love your snuggles
I love your faux-hawk
I love all of you
And I always will.
Boom de yada x4

I love your elbows
And your chubby knees
I love all of these
'Cause you're my Emily
And you'll always be
my darling daughter.
Boom de yada x4

quick note

Nov. 9th, 2009 09:28 am
sabine: (Bi-polar bear)
I'm back at work. I have so much email to go through that Outlook is having problems getting up and running.

I miss my little girl.
sabine: (introspection)
Dear Emily,

I can hardly believe that it's been more than a month since you were born. In fact, five weeks ago today, your daddy and grandma were at the hospital with me, waiting for you. It was more physical pain than I'd been ready for, but since you were in my arms at the end of it, I still think it was worth it.
Pictures and the rest of the letter )


Aug. 30th, 2009 04:33 pm
sabine: (Cute)
My baby girl is sleeping in her bassinet. She has both arms thrown over her head and has kicked her feet out of the blanket. I have chores that I should be doing, a nap that I should take, and any number of projects that I haven't touched in a very long time. Instead of those things, I keep going into our room to sit on our bed and just stare at her.

She won't always be this tiny. She won't always know that I would do anything for her. She won't always want to be in my arms. So I'm trying to soak up as much of this feeling as I can. It's a lot - I've spent the last 7 months fighting to feel anything at all - and I'm usually overwhelmed by it. But I think it's all okay.

At some point I'll stop being "Em's Mommy" and go back to being Sabine. I'm not ready for that just yet. Even though it's meant late nights, little sleep, and a whole new set of worries, I wouldn't trade this time for anything. She means everything to me right now. I don't really see that changing any time soon.

sabine: (pooch and percival snoozing)
More pictures. Facebook friends have already seen these.
Cut because I care about your flist )
sabine: (pooch and percival snoozing)
Last Monday started out as pretty much every other Monday this year has gone. I grumble when my alarm goes off, let the dog out, fix some cereal, feed the dog, and sit in front of my light box while reading Facebook, Twitter, or webcomics. True, it was Peanut's due date, but since she hadn't made so much as a peep of wanting to escape, I updated Facebook that I wasn't expecting to have the child.

I went to take a shower and noticed quite a lot of bloody show. I was immediately concerned, but since they'd told me to both expect it and that it could be several days yet before true labor, I tried to not worry. That resolve lasted about as long as it takes to wash my hair. I decided to call Triage to get their opinion, just to make sure.

They said to come in, just in case.
This got really long and somewhat descriptive. FYI )
sabine: (Cute but psycho)
Emily Anne was born at 9:06 pm on Monday, surprising everyone by being punctual enough to choose her due date as her birthday. She weighed 8 lb 10 oz and was 21 inches long. Thanks to fabulous coaching and support from Mom and Downwood, I made it through labor and delivery without an epidural. Pitocin is not as scary as the books and classes made it sound and narcotics are fabulous for being able to relax in between contractions that hurt worse than anything I've ever experienced.

We were able to come home yesterday and this is the first time she's been awake for a long stretch in daylight hours. I haven't read my flist since Sunday night and don't have real high hopes of being able to catch up any time soon.

I'm tired, sore, and deliriously happy. I'm also worrying about all sorts of new things (is she eating enough? pooping enough? too hot or too cold?) and completely in love with this little girl.


Aug. 14th, 2009 09:17 pm
sabine: (Please)
My hair is now as short as it's been since I met my husband. I had time this afternoon and decided that if I was going to get my hair cut to something even more manageable and low-maintenance, I should do so before Peanut arrives, not after. It's now just a bit past my chin and has layers. We'll see what it does tomorrow morning after my shower, but Downwood has been assuring me every time I ask (5 or 6 times by now) that it is, in fact, very cute.

Other than that, I had a very lazy day today. I made blueberry pancakes, read my book, played Katamari, cooked a pretty good dinner, and utterly failed to do laundry. I still miss my family very much - especially after I got done writing the toast that someone will read tomorrow night for my sister and her new husband - but I'm coping.

And then I get a phone call from my father. He said that as soon as Downwood and I are up for visitors after Peanut, that he'll be here 9-10 hours after I call. I get the impression that he's anxious to meet his first grandbaby. :-) I knew my in-laws and my folks (mom and stepdad) were totally excited, but I didn't realize that Dad was so on board with it.

(For those who hadn't heard, my mom and dad got divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 2. There was an annulment involved and a whole host of issues resulted from it. When I refer to "my parents", I'm generally talking about my mom and stepdad, since he's been around since I was 5. He's possibly the best thing that could have happened to our family and I kind of hope that Peanut turns out to be a boy so I can name my son after him.)
sabine: (pooch and percival snoozing)
I am not where I want to be. I really want to be in Iowa right now, tired from a drive and a surprise birthday party. I want to be siting around my grandparents' dining room table, talking to my aunt/godmother. I want to be around the people who helped make me into the person I am.

Instead, I'm sitting in my den. I'm surrounded by my books, my dog is pointedly ignoring the rawhide chewie I bought her, and my husband and I are listening to techno belly dance music. It's nice and it's comfortable, but it's not where I want to be.

I know this is the smart and responsible thing for both me and Peanut, but it doesn't make it suck any less. I've gotten to talk to my family on the phone for a long time tonight and that's helped. They know how much I want to be there and they miss me, too. They have also made sure to point out that being a parent starts before the kid is born and parenting tends to involve making decisions that you don't like but you know are necessary.

So I'm at home, trying to enjoy some vacation time while it's still just me, Downwood, and the dog. I could have saved the days for later, since I'm not traveling for the wedding, but I really, really, really need a break from work. They're driving me a little insane.

As a side note, a 30 min testing call exploded into a 90 min bug hunt session. Much to my shock and amazement, the issue that my customer was seeing was not caused by their crappy setup. There was an actual code bug that was preventing what I thought should happen from working. We'll be getting that fixed. In the process of figuring it out, I apparently impressed one of my coworkers with my mad skillz. I R Code Ninja, yo.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself tomorrow, but I think blueberry pancakes will be a good start. I'm sure I'll be on the phone again. I'm not going to hold my breath for Peanut to finally make an appearance, but that sure would be nice.
sabine: (freeze ray)
I had an appointment with my backup OB doctor yesterday afternoon. She told me that it'd be a not-so-smart idea for me to travel to my sister's wedding this weekend. Not just because she doesn't want to hear about the car breaking down and me having the baby in the middle of a corn field, but also because my insurance won't cover an out-of-area delivery this close to my due date.


I was pretty upset when I left the appointment. I finished up my work day, made some calls to sister and mother, helped Downwood make an extremely tasty dinner, and then re-read some of my favorite scenes from the Dresden Files. For the 8 hours between end of appointment and going to sleep, I was having regular contractions. Starting at about 25 min apart and getting down to 10, they were getting stronger. But then I fell asleep and they stopped altogether.

M'eh. Downwood was getting excited and running statistics, but my lizard brain is firmly convinced that I'm going to be pregnant forever. I hate waiting.

very quick

Aug. 11th, 2009 09:53 am
sabine: (Ball-cap cartoon)
Unfortunately, my recent radio silence has not been because Peanut finally decided to have a birthday. We're still waiting, I'm still getting practice contractions, and my little sister's wedding is getting ever closer.

My plans are to do my dress alteration and shoe spray-painting tomorrow night. My feet are swollen enough that fancy shoes don't sound like a good idea, so I picked up some cheap ballet flats to spray paint silver to match sister's color scheme. The dress mostly fits - I have to let out the sides a skosh and shorten the halter straps, which won't be too much of a problem.

I have a sneaking suspicion that doing these two things will convince Peanut that tomorrow will be the most inconvenient time. I'd hoped that Sunday evening when the power was out, a windstorm was knocking down trees all over town, and we were in a flash flood watch (the road to the hospital tends to flood) would be convincingly inconvenient, but no such luck.

Sigh. Still waiting.
sabine: (Wash's Dinos)
Normally, I dislike having measurements taken of my body. I have some issues with how I look and numbers just don't help. Yesterday, however, I was given a number that I feel pretty good about.

1 cm.

I've already heard from my mother how she was dilated to 3 cm for an entire week before I was born, but I'm still excited to know that this pregnancy will be ending sooner rather than later. The dr also estimated yesterday morning that I was about 10% effaced, which is also a good thing.

My dr is on board with my preference of "Let's not make surgical incisions into Sabine if it can at all be avoided". I'm okay with getting meds, but not so okay with cuts.

Also, Girly TMI - You have been warned )
sabine: (Ball-cap cartoon)
According to my doctor, I am doing very well. My uterus is the right size, my weight is appropriate, I have a very active baby with good heart tones (150 bpm), and my blood pressure has remained relatively constant throughout this whole thing. Also, having reached 37 weeks, he has few worries about Peanut being born any time now.

Woot, I say, woot!

According to my greyhound, I am either the best doggy mommy or the worst in the history of the entire world. She was not given any of my Taco Bell last night nor was she given any of the cheese or garlic from the lasagna that we prepped for the freezer tonight. Woe is her. On the other hand, she has a yard that she will sprint across, roll in the grass, and play! And she gets tons of other treats and people food. She had a minor freakout on Sunday when Downwood was vacuuming her lawn (mowing it), but was ecstatic when I let her out so she could roll around and verify that the grass was still there. Silly dog.

According to my freezer, I am ready for an extended blizzard. There's fruit and veggies, BBQ pork, lasagna, meats, bread, cookie dough, and some other things that I can't remember right now. We also bought a whole bunch of pantry staples (canned tomatoes, beans, flour, sugar, pasta, etc) to restock all the things that I made a point of using up before the move. Aside from things like milk, eggs, and bananas, I think we're set for a while.

According to my team lead, I am doing a very good job at work. He's talked to my customers and heard all the good things they have to say about me. He also got involved with an escalation over the last few days and has been helpful in balancing my work load.

According to my dance teacher, I am going to have few problems pushing Peanut out. Hooray for core muscle strength! Also, I am very brave for doing a full-day dance workshop on Saturday. It was an amazing time and I learned a whole lot! I was sad that I hadn't signed up for the Sunday workshop as well, but realized that my body probably wouldn't have stood for it.

According to our former neighbor, some of the random kids were running in and out of our rental place over the weekend. He saw it, shooed them out, collected the few valuables (ie, the liquor cabinet) that were left in the place (the bottle of Templeton Rye being among them), and called the landlord to let them know what was going on. The landlords, being complete idiots, didn't tell this to Downwood when he called them to report a break-in. Luckily, the neighbor showed up before the police did and could give them his statement. The whiskey has been rescued and brought to its new home.

According to my psychiatrist, one of the reasons that I've been barely maintaining my grip on reality is because my blood level of one of my meds was just a hair above the minimum level required for functionality. There's something about having an extra liter of blood that dilutes blood levels of drugs. Dosage has been changed and we are continuing to monitor mood and thought patterns. Still not in a good place, but still able to keep moving.

According to my back and to Peanut, I need to not be sitting in front of my computer any longer. In fact, either chilling in the ultra-comfy rocking chair or just getting a little extra sleep are both sounding like excellent ideas.
sabine: (Dilbert Turing Test)
Thanks to some good planning by Downwood and the intrepid spirit of friends, all of our remaining furniture was moved from the rental to the house while I was at work on Friday. There's still some clothes and random things to grab, but pretty much everything else is in a box or bin and is somewhere in the new place.

Also, thanks to some sneaky planning by my friends at work, I was totally blindsided by the baby shower that coworkers threw for me. It was a total surprise and a nice way to end a Friday afternoon.

The dog is getting adjusted to the new place. Since we're here, her bed and food are here, and her routines are similar to the rental, she's feeling a little more sure of herself. She also has gotten quite a few treats, so that's helping to make her think of this as "her" place.

Yesterday morning, my sister and I decided to go on a walking tour of the town. We took Rain with us and visited a couple of garage sales, scoring some excellent small child toys for cheap. Downwood, who had been tasked with picking up milk while we were out, saw us carrying bags and pulled over to offer to take them home for us. We sent the dog with him, too, and continued our walk. We found breakfast at a bakery, distraction in a gift shop, lunch at the butcher's, and Anne discovered that the winery will give you very generous samples of many types of wine.

We found out when we got home that the dog, not content with her lot in the back of the Jeep, decided to climb into the front seat on the way back with Downwood. Not only did she climb into the front, but she managed to put the car into neutral by stepping on the gear shift in the transition. Dingbat dog.

Saturday night was spent grilling brats, eating sweet corn, and chitchatting. It was a very "us" sort of night.

Today, after a big breakfast, Downwood mowed the lawn while sister and I cleaned in the kitchen and front room. I made some pulled pork for lunch, which made more leftovers than I'd expected, so we'll be eating that all week.

The afternoon was spent at a baby shower thrown for me by my very cool friends. No games, just good food, better conversation, lots of laughs, and women from three distinct areas of my life - gaming, work, dance - all getting along and having a good time. Bex invented a new type of sushi for me. She took the bacon-wrapped, cream cheese-filled, jalapenos that I make for any social occasion and put them into rice. It was delicious! Katy deep-fried wontons filled with Nutella or ginger and dates. So, so good.

While we were gabbing, Downwood made another trip to the rental and claims to have brought back all the remaining dishes and glassware. This means that I can finally figure out where to put away the paper plates and go back to eating off of dishes that I don't have to worry about disintegrating under stress.

I'm kind of dreading getting up and going back to work tomorrow. I don't particularly want to force myself to get up with the alarm clock. Also, this is our week off of dance class, so I don't even have anything to look forward to in the evening other than unpacking and organizing. But, I might hear about the bloodwork that I had done last week, so we'll see what that does to my med dosage. I also might have something exciting to work on or some problem to solve that is actually solvable.

But for now, I will sit here and watch the sun set over the trees. My computer desk is by the windows in the back that get a lovely breeze and have a wonderful view of the trees and hills. I can see the massive deck and our yard with its shiny new fence. My sister is reading in the recliner and my husband is playing Bejeweled on his computer. The dog is sacked out on her bed. I have five weeks left until Peanut's official birthday. I can probably handle this.
sabine: (Rocks fall)
House update
75% of the Really Heavy boxes have been moved. All hail Downwood, Phil, and Aaron for moving them! That means that all my books, all Downwood's books from the spare room, and all the gaming books that were in the living room are now in the new place. Still to be moved are all the gaming books from the basement library.

Also, the front living room has been painted. My camera needs new batteries, but once that's taken care of, I can snag some pictures. Yes, it was the easiest room to do, but we wanted to have something done that we could cross off the list. It looks pretty snazzy.

Still to move: Kitchen, furniture, clothing, pictures, and all the miscellaneous crap still lying around. Still to paint: Two walls in Peanut's room, all walls in master bedroom, and the chalkboard wall in the kitchen.

Peanut update
Yesterday marked 33 weeks. Due to laundry issues, I had to wear a different tank top than usual to dance class last night. It's a bit more form-fitting than what I'd been wearing and I'm more spherical than I was. My instructor looked at me and asked how long I had to go. Upon hearing that the EDD is 7 weeks, she shook her head and said, "Six weeks. At the outside. Paint the nursery first."

Did I mention that her daytime job is a nurse on the OB unit at one of the hospitals in town?

This makes me pretty happy, as it means that I'm more likely to have a newborn at my sister's wedding than still be waiting. Though, if Peanut isn't early enough, I won't be able to travel. Dang calendar having all the cool things - wedding, State Fair, Peanut - all in the same week!

Work update
My TL is supportive and helpful. Most of the people I work with on a day-to-day basis seem to think that I know what I'm doing. My customers go back and forth between being full of praise and wanting me to bring them the moon. It sounds like it should be going well, but I'm still not feeling like everything's all right.

Of course, I haven't gotten to take any time off since January, so that might have something to do with the burnout. You know, just maybe.

Brain update
Not so good. Still having panic attacks, paranoia, severe self-image problems, and in general getting back to where I was a couple weeks before I ended up in the hospital. It seems to have leveled off - it's not getting any worse - but it's also not getting better. I want to say that I'll be fine when some of the current stressors are out of my life, but I don't know that for sure.

I'm still moving, still doing things, still eating and sleeping, so that's good.

Rain update
Rain's newest trick is starting to go on a walk, getting about two houses away, and then turning around to come straight home. We think this is because it was pretty hot out for a week or so, but she thinks that she should get to do that all the time.

I can't hardly wait to let her out in the new back yard. It's probably getting fenced this upcoming Friday or Monday. We've confirmed that there are squirrels, bunnies, and birds that all hang out back there. Downwood's put down money that she's going to get carried away chasing them and run smack into the fence. I don't think she's quite that much of a dingbat, but she's surprised me before.

So what's new with you?
sabine: (Handbasket)
My weekend wore me out. There's something about driving 800 miles in 2.5 days that'll take it out of you. It didn't help that for most of it I was on highway 20 across Iowa - Road of Very Few Bathrooms.

  • Remember that scene in "Big" where Tom Hanks is jumping on the giant piano in the toy store? Peanut's been doing that to my ribs. She decided that this was a super-fun activity about halfway between Madison and Mapleton (7 hr drive). Brat.

  • Apparently, I glow. I'm not sure what exactly my family is seeing, since I think I look puffy, oily, and awkward, but they disagree. Downwood would like to point out that he STRONGLY disagrees with my self-image right now and that, to him, I am Utter Hotness. I think he's delusional.

  • It was wonderful to see my family again, even if it was for just a little while. I hadn't seen most of my dad's family since my wedding. I see my mom's family more often since they're a whole lot closer, but it was still good to spend time with them and relax a little.

  • Almost all of my reactions to stress and plans changing at the last minute are either genetic or strongly learned. Watching my mom, two of her sisters, and my grandmother all react the same way that I do was...educational. Also, we all have the same reaction to getting hungry: we get cranky. It's a little terrifying how alike we all are.

  • Did I mention that US Highway 20 is somewhat hellish when you're 7 months pregnant? There are no bathrooms. Woe. Angst.

  • 8 weeks and 5 days from today. I'm still hoping for August 1st.

  • Last night was quite possibly the best reaction to a critical botch in a game that I've ever seen. One of our intrepid band went off looking to score some of the highly dangerous drug that he got addicted to in the last session (don't blow a Toughness check in Dark Heresy - bad things happen). The dice failed him and he carried off the scene beautifully. If I had brain recording, that'd go on the highlight reel.

  • Packing continues apace. You wouldn't really know that I'd cleaned out my sewing room last week as it has now been filled up with all the baby stuff my family unloaded on me over the weekend. One aunt has an 11-month old and another's youngest child is 3. Since I like hand-me-downs, they're cleaning out their basements/spare closets. We close on the house on the 25th, will be having a painting party over the weekend of the fourth, and will probably be shifting "home base" down there the weekend of 11/12, since our home internet will be going away on the 10th. If you like hauling boxes, moving furniture, or painting walls, we will take whatever help we can get.

  • Work goes okay. Still not totally in love with my job, but not terrified/stressed out/hating it right now. I'll take what I can get.
sabine: (Om nom nom)
I think all of my pottery, save what's in the kitchen cabinets, has been packed. I thought I'd gotten almost all of my books, but have been finding stashes around the house. I also thought I'd gotten my yarn packed, only to find a pile of it in the living room. Most of my minis and painting supplies are also now in a box, but I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to transport those that are in the printer's drawer on the wall.

Did I mention yet that I think we have too much stuff? Because we do.

I have a bag of BPAL and nail polish that needs a home. Let me know if you want it - I just want it out of my house!

We met with the loan officer Friday after work to sign the paperwork to start the loan. It took a whole lot longer than I thought it would, so I was tired, cranky, and hungry by the time we signed the last piece of paper. He said that he doesn't anticipate that we'll have any problems getting approved for the financing that we want and that our actual closing costs will probably end up being a couple hundred dollars less than he quoted in the estimate. Both of these things make me a little more relaxed, but I'm still stressing out about everything.

Once we know that we have the money, the bank appraisal's been done, and the home inspector lets us know if there's anything wrong with the place, I'll give serious thought to when we'll have our painting "party". Since I'm going to be less than able by the time we get to early July, we're considering getting all the paint and supplies, a keg of beer, some pizza or sandwiches, and sending out the call for all those who know how to wield a paintbrush or power drill (need bookcases!) to come and help out.

This is starting to happen. I'm still terrified and overwhelmed, but the idea that we'll be in our own house before Peanut shows up is being coming a reality. This is...kind of cool, actually.


May. 10th, 2009 11:04 am
sabine: (Dilbert Turing Test)
Is it okay that I feel funny when people wish me a Happy Mothers' Day?

Also, Downwood got to feel Peanut's breakdancing this morning.

Also also, we put in an offer on a house yesterday.

I sort of feel like a Real Adult. I'm not sure I approve, but since we're going to see Star Trek on the IMAX in 2 hours, I think I can cope.
sabine: (Fuck)
I have stocked up on cheap snacks and high-test cough drops. I kept Downwood awake for most of the night with my coughing and sneezing fits, for which I'd be more sorry if I hadn't also been keeping myself awake with them. Today seems to be less about the sore throat and cough than it is about clogged sinuses and runny nose.

Have I mentioned that I hate hate HATE allergies? They haven't bugged me for the last couple years, thanks to getting allergy shots throughout high school and college. This spring, however, is kicking my butt. I blame Peanut for messing up my immune system.

It doesn't help that after every long burst of coughing, I get kicked repeatedly by little feet. I don't blame Peanut for not liking it when my diaphragm and other stomach muscles are squeezing her around.


I packed up my stuff this morning and came into work late. I figured that if we'd be driving to Chicago tonight and up until whatever-o'clock in the morning for the go-live, I could sleep in and take my time. Now, I have a day full of meetings and reminding my customers that I won't be around to help them next week, seeing as how I'm going to be out of the office.

At some point, I will stop whining and just get on with things. I feel pretty miserable today, however, so I will go back to eating gummy worms and trying not to gross people out in meetings with my runny nose. Hooray Kleenex!!


sabine: (Default)

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