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Jerkbrain is being loud. To drown it out, I feel the need to list my accomplishments from the weekend.

In no particular order:
  • Got to go to Med Hookah with Downwood. Got to sit with lots and lots of friends. The conversation was good, the service was INCREDIBLY SLOW, the dancing was good. Like, we got there at 7:30 and got drinks. We didn't get drink refills until 8:30 and didn't get our food until after 9. No bueno.
  • For going to Med Hookah, I dressed up. I did full makeup, including getting to use my new eye shadows from Espionage Cosmetics ( I also pulled out a somewhat springtime dress covered in bright sunflowers with a reasonably trendy neckline (
  • I decided I didn't like any of my other spring dresses and made a new dress for Easter. I found several yards of a floral print on what I think is a scuba knit. It's a minty teal with white flowers. I'm guessing it was from Girl Charlee, but I don't actually remember. I made yet another adjustment to my favorite dress pattern ( and had a custom fit, very pretty dress for Easter.
  • I got to go to Easter Brunch with Downwood, kids, and MiL. Emi ate ALL THE SHRIMP. Alex ate the snacks that we packed. We didn't want to risk cross contamination with other foods for him. I drank mimosas and ate probably too much. I didn't need dinner later. It was delicious and fun. The kids are generally very well behaved in restaurants, which helps make outings like that enjoyable.
  • I made muslins of both my new M4M patterns. I finally figured out the shoulder fitting issues I was running into with the shirt ( I also got lucky with my test run of the dress ( I made a peplum top, since I didn't want to commit the fabric required for a dress. Downwood loves it.
  • I did lots of laundry. Three loads on Saturday and five on Sunday. I am very glad that we have an HE washer and dryer.
  • I read a little bit, including finishing Seanan McGuire's new book. I am torn. While the book got disjointed in the last 1/4, it was an accurate reflection of the inner turmoil of the 1st person narrator. I still enjoyed it and am very much looking forward to the next book with our third and final narrator.
  • My MiL liked her birthday presents. I made her a cardigan. I also found a set of fancy dishes on Zulily. She has had fancy Christmas dishes and now she has some fancy summer plates and mugs. Covered in flowers, yo. COVERED in flowers. Very much her style.
  • I finished up the Happiness pack on Headspace and have started on the Stress pack. Stress seems to be yet another visualization pack, using the same imagery as Balance and Self-Esteem. It's good, though. I need the practice.
  • Emi and I continued to crush our 30 Day Plank Challenge.

See, jerkbrain?! See?! I did a lot of things and did them well! Nothing to be ashamed of! NOTHING!
sabine: (Default)
My jerkbrain tries to keep telling me that I'm a horrible person, a failure, not worth anything, and all the assorted nonsense that goes along with it. I mostly know I'm none of those things, but the jerkbrain is loud and inside my head, where things seem to be true.

And so now I list the rebuttals to the jerkbrain, because it's the only thing I can think to do right now to make it shut the hell up.
  1. I am eating donuts because donuts are delicious. Also, I bought extra donuts and delivered them to a friend at work. This made both of our days better.
  2. I have pretty much all xmas gifts sorted. Just a couple last things to do. Yes, I went over budget in some cases, but it's going to be okay.
  3. I am making art when I doodle. It's not the high-falutin' gallery art, but it's pretty and it's mine.
  4. My kids are awesome. Alex was deeply impressed by my outfit today - dinosaur xmas sweatshirt and socks with dinosaurs in santa hats. He and I share a certain love of ancient reptiles that Emi and Downwood don't necessarily understand.
  5. Nine more working days until holiday break.
  6. I won something in an internet random-number generator giveaway! And it was something I really wanted! I may never win anything online ever again, but it's worth it. The something? Seanan McGuire's most recent album, full of monster movies and mad science. Woot! I say, WOOOOOT!
  7. I have a haircut tonight. My bangs will finally be back under my control.
  8. I am almost able to breathe normally. There are still things happening in my bronchial passages that are unacceptable, but for the most part I sound normal again.
  9. I bought Scott Bradlee's album of holiday piano jazz. It's lovely.
  10. I'm allowed to fend off a panic attack by any means necessary. I'm allowed to do what I need to do to keep moving. It's fine.

stay good

Nov. 18th, 2015 08:44 am
sabine: (Default)
I will not impulse purchase more cute clothes. Yes, retail therapy feels good. Yes, I like looking cute. Yes, I have far too much stuff and I don't need to bring more into my life before I KonMari the hell out of my bedroom.

I will actually try the meditation app I downloaded. I can find 10 minutes in my day to be quiet and reflective. It won't be the same 10 minutes in the same place daily, but I can commit to this for 10 days before getting a subscription.

I will try to not stress about presents. Presents don't have to be perfect. I don't have to find the exact thing that will show that I understand a person, care about them, and know what's lacking in their life. "Good enough" is, in fact, good enough.

I don't have to be perfect. I just have to be good enough. I have to try my best at things, but I need to keep a sense of humor and relaxation. Perfect is a lie. Pinterest is a lie. Advertising, movies, and TV are lies.

I need to remember how to relax. Coloring books are awesome.

I will do the things that make me happy. I will do the things that let me try to be better than I am.

I will attempt to let go of worry and fear and anxiety. I may not succeed, but I will acknowledge that these feelings exist, that I have them, and that I don't actually need them most of the time.

I will read with my kids. I will give hugs. I will praise, smile, and be a good enough momma.

I will not flip out about the pile of things one of my customers just emailed me for a meeting in 68 minutes when I have another meeting for the 60 minutes directly before that meeting. Eep.
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I'm dressed all in black. Black shirt, black pencil skirt, black leggings, tall black boots. I have black gloves and red lipstick sitting on my desk. My red trench coat and red hat are hanging on the wall. At lunch, Carmen Sandiego will stalk the halls of the Evil Empire.

This afternoon we have a team party. For this, I have a headband and a plastic star destroyer to attach to it. I will be "V95.4 - Spacecraft accident injuring occupant". This is one of my favorite ICD-10 codes for obvious reasons.

I have been rocking out this morning. I've also almost convinced myself that I could dance at Newer Dancer Night. I have ideas. During my rocking out, I've been tearing apart new programmer exercises. I'm one of the mean reviewers who won't let you get away with ANYTHING. Mwahahaha. My laugh is an evil laugh.

The kids took their costumes to school today for the Halloween Parade and Party. Emi has her Black Widow coverall (purchased, as I didn't want to deal with it). Alex has his minion clothes on and his minions accessories (hat and glasses). They are STOKED about the holiday.

I have purchased two events today. The first - Paint Nite during xmas break! With RH and Au! Drinks, painting, and friends! WOO! I may smuggle in some glitter to add to my painting. Or I'll add mysterious hooded figures to my painting. Or both! The second event is a massage and pedicure for my birthday. WOO!

Life does not suck. My new antidepressants are kicking in. I'm less anxious overall and feeling better about the world. This is nice.
sabine: (Default)
Yesterday afternoon, I almost forgot about a therapy appointment. Luckily, I'd put a reminder in my phone for an hour before. My phone buzzed, I scrambled to get my work done, and ran out the door to the appointment.

Themes: I need to learn to delegate. I need to trust that things won't fall apart if I'm not the one doing them. All the things I'm freaking out about that are coming up in the next couple weeks are things that I'll likely enjoy a lot. The excitement is mostly nervous anxiety about all the things that could go wrong instead of all the things that are going to be awesome.

I then made it up to the mall in just enough time to get dinner and go to dance.

Just one problem. My dance bag was still at home. My home is a 45 minute (with traffic, minimum) drive from the mall. There were not 90 minutes remaining between "now" and "dance class starts".

Well, crap.

As Downwood put it, it's the first time he can EVER remember that I've forgotten my dance bag. Forgotten individual pieces, yes. The entire dance bag, no. I've been taking classes for 8.5 years, so that's actually a pretty good track record.

I went into the grocery store to buy my usual Monday dinner. I also bought some roses, since that's a healthier treat than the very expensive box of chocolates that I really wanted. And I went home. I snuggled my kids. I read books with them. I got to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour and then laid in bed thinking anxiety thoughts. Dear Scooter couldn't crack the internal monologue at all.

I'm wearing a nice dress today. I didn't do my hair or anything - I just didn't want to deal with trying to find clothes that matched. I bombed my Mensa daily calendar puzzle. I'm overcaffeinated and feeling like a hot mess.

I know each of these things individually are not actually that bad, but my brain isn't buying it. I'm doing the cognitive behavioral therapy/socratic method thing where I take each thought and tell my jerkbrain that it has no logical feet to stand on. I still feel like a mess, though.

Sigh. This is not how I wanted my Tuesday to go.
sabine: (Default)
A strategy my psychiatrist wants me to work on implementing is to go do the things that I would enjoy, even though I can't really enjoy much right now. The act and intention are key to this self-care strategy. If you do the things that you would normally enjoy, eventually you will start to enjoy them again.

I'm still in that place where things are not as vibrant as they should be, as they are, or as they could be. I'm still in that place where I believe that people would be happier and healthier and more -iers without me around. This is, obviously, no fun.

So I'm trying to do the things. I go to dance class. I pick Emi up from her Tuesday dance class. I play video games. I wear my Wonder Woman dress to work. I plan to go to teacher M's party and scheme about surprises. I make crazy dress-up plans. I plan to go to the werk picnic with whole family, even though it'll be hot. I plan to take the kids swimming at the hotel with my parents after. I read Emi a chapter every night. I read to Ox and play. I sew. I read. I listen to books that I'd laugh at on a better day.

I make long-term plans. I schedule things in August, September, October, November. Things that I really want to happen. I seek out books that will come out in the next 6 months and pre-order them. I window shop at Etsy stores that I will never be able to afford. I listen to Pandora. I think about tattoos and browse Pinterest. I find fabric for the making of things for Hogswatch presents.

I take a little bit of Xanax and hope that the latest change to my meds is enough to convince my brain to not be broken.

Depression lies. Empirically, I should know that this will get better, since it's always gotten better in the past. It's just really hard to believe that.

And, yes, I'm wearing the Wonder Woman dress today because of teacher M's party. I want to show it off to my sewing friends. And it's pretty. And I'm a tremendous nerd.

so far

Jul. 5th, 2015 08:07 am
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 So far today feels better. Everyone else is still sleeping in. The kids stayed up late - Ox wanted Swedish Chef videos and Emi wanted to watch more from Adam Savage's Maker channel. 

Today is a Sunday without the dread of work tomorrow. All I have to do tomorrow is take my car for a long-overdue oil change and go to dance. Everything else is negotiable.

Still sad, but willing to keep going. I need to do laundry and dye my hair. I want donuts. I have some plain knit fabric from JoAnn's that will become more comfy palazzo pants once I get it washed and cut.

For now, I will sit with my cup of Jiva and my light box and look for good things. Still sad, still would like to give up, but not going to. Not yet.
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My work calendar has meetings every minute from 9 AM to 5 PM. I have a hair cut at 6, so I can't stay much past 5:15. I'm taking tomorrow and Monday off, so I have a pile of things to do a mile high. I'm getting through them, but also getting all sorts of other "Can you please look at this before you go?".

I'm listening to Amy Poehler's book ("Yes Please"). It's pretty amazing. After seeing "Inside Out", I bumped this up to the top of my "listen to" list. It's worth it. So worth it.

The construction guys have resumed drilling right outside my window. This is not helping my headache any.

I'm trying to decide on a tattoo and whether I can afford one before our Germany trip. My birthday tattoo will be the start of my cardinals. This is my memorial for my Grandpa T. The start will be a male cardinal on an oak branch. If all goes according to plan, it'll be years before I add the female cardinal - Grandma G is still doing well. But I'm feeling the need to go in for something small. Maybe adding the other pair of swallows to the right side of my chest. Maybe an infinity with kiddo names (cliche and trendy, yes, but if I have Emi write her own name and put Ox's on when he learns to write...). Don't know. It's just that there's an awful lot of bad inside my head right now. I lack the guts to actually do anything about it, but getting a tattoo is an interesting way of taking that impulse and turning it into something beautiful.

We have a train ride tomorrow. I will go to JoAnn's and look at cheap knits and fabric dye. I will get an oil change like an adult. I will finish the palazzo pants I cut last night and I will wear them proudly. I will get through this day, even though my calendar and everything is conspiring against me.


Jan. 16th, 2015 11:10 am
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It's Friday. I got into work early, so I decided that I needed fancy coffee. I also decided to take a late morning break and put on some pretty nails. I chose my Dexter-inspired nail wraps ( and they look pretty sweet.

I'm taking Emi to her first Girl Scout event on Sunday. A "Cookie Gala". With Dexter nails.

I have a small amount of hope that having weird nails will help with the anxiety that's naturally arising from a long drive, a gym full of small-big kids, lots of strangers, moms who are way cooler/thinner/prettier/stylish than me, and all the rest. Like, I'm already freaking out about this - it's going to take up pretty much our entire Sunday - even though I know that pre-worry isn't going to help at all.

I should just bite the bullet, swallow my pride, and go shopping for pants. I should have at least one pair of jeans that fits, no? That'd make me more like everyone else, instead of my current lower attire of lime-green striped socks and voluminous flannel skirt.

Blah. Random things time.

I'm almost done reading "Golden Son" by Pierce Brown. It just came out this month and is book 2 in the triology. It's as good as book 1 ("Red Rising"). I had to put it down for a bit last night because the main character got into a bad situation and I was too worried for him to keep reading.

I've also used the noise-cancelling feature of my headphones to good effect. I like the total quiet I get when wearing them. I don't hear my computer fan or the buzzing of my lights. I don't hear the several people in offices around me who are loud and on speaker. I can still hear my phone if it rings, but I am much more at peace than before. Of course, when I have 7 hours of calls and meetings, I don't get quiet/music time and I'm not at peace.

I got lots of little boy snuggles today. He got up early, came out to me, sat in my lap, and put his head on my shoulder. Still so sleepy and so snuggly.

Emi was in full-on bear mode this morning. She did NOT want to get out of bed. So tired. So refusing to go to bed earlier. So much like her momma.

I have a haircut next week. Hooray! No major changes, but I need things cleaned up. I need to re-dye anyway...maybe Saturday? Dunno.

I won't be going to the Tribaret workshop. I have an upgrade every weekend in March, so I need to stay close to home. Depending on the times of my upgrade that weekend, I may be able to go to the show with Emi. We'll see.

I got in super early, but won't get to leave super early. I have a meeting from 4 to 5 that I should really go to. Ugh. Tired Sabine. Anxious Sabine. Totally Done With All This Crap Sabine.

To end on a happy note, I can have a fancy crab cake sandwich for lunch. I'm looking forward to this. Also, I have Dexter nails.
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Things keep happening that I want to write about, but then time and energy go away and I say "I'll write it tomorrow". And then tomorrow comes and goes by so very fast and, once again, I'm left with my list of Cool/Distressing Things and no words to show for it. And then I start getting a guilt loop complex and into a pattern where if I haven't written and now it's too late to write and the list is still long and I don't have time and ARGH.

So. Amnesty. Forgiveness. Gentleness. Here are some things from lately. They're not exactly chronological and there might not be much context. But a list of things makes a post and I'm going to go with that.
  • Halloween was spectacular. Emi dressed up as Queen Elsa. Ox was a knight in fleecy armor. I made both costumes and the kiddos LOVED them. On Thursday, my work had a "bring kids to trick or treat around offices" event. The kids had a ball and made out LIKE BANDITS. So much candy. On Friday, they went out around town with Daddy and I stayed home to mind the candy bowl. It was FREEZING cold, so they (and all the other kids) were bundled up. The highlight for Ox was going INTO the fire station for treats and getting to see the trucks. Emi liked being out and about. Both kids were thrilled with the full-size, not cheap flashlights that the EMTs were handing out. I love our town so much.
  • I had a lot of candy left over in my office from the office trick-or-treating. To avoid the temptation (and since I have a TON of candy at home), I dumped it all in the break room. I wasn't the only one to do that. It was all gone by lunch. Nice.
  • The time change is messing with me. It's dark so early that it's giving me the mental state of "never going to be light ever again". Stupid SAD. Blessed lightbox.
  • Au's son's birthday party at the Children's Museum was awesome! The kids ran around, played, ran around, played, played, and played. It was kind of zooey (other events going on that day and bigger kids who didn't always look where they were going), but so much playing. Ox conked out in the car and took a solid nap. Emi was in bear mode and wouldn't nap, rest, or stop whining. Ugh.
  • Werk is still of the crazy.
    • I have a new project that I didn't really want to do, but I need to do because customer. It's going to be fine, but since I got told to do it instead of expressing my creativity and problem-solving skillz, it doesn't seem like the fun thing I wanted it to be. Sigh.
    • I had a quick one-day trip to Peoria for a customer thing. We were at the convention center at 7 am on Wednesday. At 2:20, I got a text from my ride saying that they were done for the day, so they were going to spend some time over at the hospital and be back to get me by 5. I was done at 2:23. They had my bag in their car. I found a ride with another group and just told my original ride to hold on to my bag and I'd get it from them on Thursday, since we were going to make it back to town 1-3 hours before them and I wasn't going to sit around and wait. Grrr.
    • I still get anxiety flares just by walking in the door, but it's not a full-on panic like during those couple of weeks in October. That was a bad time.
    • Atul Gawande ( came to our work to speak as part of the Wisconsin Book Festival. It was totally amazing. He can come back every month to talk to us about healthcare and how the real world works.
  • My Hogswatch sewing/craft projects are coming along nicely. I have the sewing things either all lined up and most are awaiting final sewing. One thing is already done and hidden, since Emi wanted it for her own. Of course. I have a cross stitch project that I don't know if it'll get done, mostly because of time and sitting still to do it. Emi wants to "help" with it, so that's a thing.
  • Dance class is back on schedule. Tribal T came to class last night and it was lovely to see her. We also started a happy not-too-bouncy dabke choreography. It's a short song and there's already a repeat for the chorus. It's a nice change of brain from the last complicated number.
  • Depression is ramping up and anxiety seems to be ramping down. I think. Again, it's dark all the time and it makes me sad, but I don't feel terribly panicked about it. So that's nice.
  • This coming weekend is TeslaCon. Again, we're not going because kids. The next weekend is both Newer Dancer Night and Northern Lights. We're not going because my grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, so we all have to be there.
  • I've been reading some good books lately. Of these, the best was clearly "The Ghost Bride" by Yangsze Choo. It has magic, ghosts, spiritual journeys, espionage, and growing up. I enjoyed it far more than I was expecting and highly recommend it. I've also been listening to "The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making" again. It's comforting and beautiful and so very wonderful. I love it and it loves me back.
  • I have an appointment on Sunday for my birthday tattoo. My mom's going to HATE it. I care not. I love it.

And so it goes.

sabine: (Default)
Fail - Put the wrong time for Spoofla practice into my phone.
Success - Got there at the end and the next group hadn't arrived, so I got my initial inoculation into the silliness.

Fail - Couldn't find the pinatas at Woodman's. None in the Mexican food aisle. Weird.
Success - Got everything else on my list.
Fail - Didn't have cheap booze on my list, so didn't get it. Got yelled at.

Success - Emi and Ox safe food for Emi's school-friend-belated-birthday party. Popcorn, lemonade, sno cones, and cupcakes.
Fail - Only one of her friends showed up.
Success - They had a great time.

Success - Finally got my serger to mostly behave. My upper looper is still being weird. I had to crank the tension way, way up. It's troubling.
Success - Black circle skirt has all raw edges finished and is hanging to let the bias do its thing.
Success - Found black bias tape in my stash for the making of the waistband casing.

Fail - Didn't finish my Muppet belt.
Success - Got the Ina Maxi skirt cut out. The pieces are...odd. It's going to be an adventure.

Success - Got all the laundry washed.
Success - Got hugs and snuggles from Ox.
Success - Held Emi when she was so tired and so upset at bedtime that all she could do was sob.

Success - Didn't actually hurt myself, even though I really want to.
Success - Called Mom back, let her talk to Emi, let her talk at me.

Success - Looking forward to the weekend trip Emi and I are taking together in 2 weeks.
Fail - Very upset about having to go on a work trip less than 12 hours after I get back from my trip with Emi.
Success - Looking forward to the last weekend in October's Full of Silly.
Success - Scheduled my birthday tattoo for the day before (they're closed on Mondays)
Success - My swallows are just about healed.

Fail - Everything is going wrong at all my customers and it's all my responsibility to fix. That's what they say, anyway.
Fail - I just can't with today.

Success?  - This, too, shall pass.

ugh today

Sep. 27th, 2014 04:54 pm
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 So far, everything I've tried to do well today has failed.

I tried to sleep in. Total fail.

I tried to read my book. Fail. The protagonist just got herself into a situation that's going to be awful. I don't want to read that.

I tried to go do henna. Fail. No one would stop to let me draw on them. It was hot and the spot they put me in had zero shade. I don't do well in zero shade. Since I made a total of $5 on the first 2.5 hours, they let me go. 

I tried to rethread my serger with black so that I can get some costuming stuff done. My lower looper won't stay threaded. I lost track of the number of times I threaded, unthreaded, and tried again.

Emi refuses to do anything by herself. She's allergic to it, apparently. Ox is getting in trouble over and over. It's like he's three or something.

A Zulily box arrived with a shirt I ordered a couple weeks ago. It fits. Sort of. If I gain 20 more pounds it'll still fit. It's more of a "tent" than a "shirt". At least the color is nice.

And now I'm afraid to pick up anything else to work on. I need to sew buttons and boas onto my belt and thread elastic through my new glitterdot skirtsicle. I'm scared to try, since something's going to go horribly wrong.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe today is just bad. But it's really getting me down and my brain extrapolates that this is the way things are going to be forever and ever, so there's no point in trying.

There's a concert up at the FLGS tonight. I should go, since I like the duo. But I'd have to go by myself and I'm not feeling strong.

I know it'll get better. The henna that I actually got to do looked nice. Someday - maybe tomorrow - I'll be able to thread the damn serger. I've done it before and I can do it again. Tomorrow morning is troupe meeting. That will be nice and silly. Tomorrow afternoon Emi's having some school friends over to celebrate her birthday. We'll have popcorn, cupcakes, sno cones, face painting, and kids running around back for an hour or so. It'll be okay. I just am every kind of not okay right now.
sabine: (Default)
Not doing my language practice last night. German is hard and we're getting into Spanish vocabulary that I either never learned or have forgotten. Instead of banging my head against it, I played GW2 with my friends.

Being chubby. I like food and I have little energy for extra activity. Also, my children have misplaced a piece of my exercise bike. Also, we've not had dance class for a month. Also, I'm lazy and tired.

Making a stupid decision or a mistake anytime in the last 30 years. Seriously, brain, mistakes I made in 6th grade are WAY past the statute of limitations. I don't need to feel bad about it or about some of the more recent (12 years ago) things. Yes, some of them are character shaping events and I can learn from it, but I don't need to call myself names or feel terrible because of it. Let it go.

My kids refusing to eat. They'll eat when they're hungry. I just need to keep providing them with healthy options and not stressing about it. Emi's lunches have gone largely uneaten this week except for the carrots that I cut into flowers or stars. Sure, using a tiny steel cookie cutter on slices of carrot is insane, but Emi's EATING them. This is not to be sneezed at.

Not being able to get rid of the bad thoughts immediately. The jerkbrain is loud and depression lies. It doesn't make me a failure or a terrible person that I can't shut these things up. I'm getting help and taking steps and maybe someday, it won't be so hard.
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I never went to Faire this year. For someone who's spent god-knows-how-much money and time on garb and claims to love it, I sure did a great job of putting it at the bottom of the priority list. Even when we had a free weekend, I couldn't organize us enough to just get out the door. I suck.

I don't spend enough time with my family. Grandpa's in hospice care and I can only give them a day and a half out of a three day weekend. I'm a terrible, irresponsible daughter and granddaughter. I should be ashamed of myself.

I am not now, nor will ever be in good enough shape to be a real cosplayer. The best I can do is if there's a corset involved. Or muppetry. But that's it. I need to stop following these people and just stop dreaming.

I have more game systems than anyone can use. But do I use them? Nope. I run a single game now and don't play in any. Why'd I spend this money if it wasn't to bring joy or something to my life. Stupid me.

I scolded Emi and was short with her when we were at the park. She was just hot and tired and didn't want to admit to either. I should have been a better Mom. I just wanted to get her out of there, get her home, and get her in a tub to soak and clean out the owies. And then Ox just wanted me to read the same book over and over and over. And the house is a complete mess. And I'm a mess. And everything's all over the place and dirty and fruit flies and trash and clothes and toys and I just can't.

Nothing's going to get better. This therapy thing and trying to change my meds are both pointless. This sucks and hurts and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.


I didn't go to faire this year. I spent 5 weekends in a row this summer working. Then, when I thought we had Labor Day weekend free to go play, Grandpa took a major turn for the worse. I rearranged expectations with Emi, Mom, and Sister and we went to Iowa. My kids got to play with my Aunt, Uncles, and cousin. They both were totally awesome at being kids and made people smile.

I got to see Grandpa and talk to him. He's still himself. His mind is still totally sharp and his sense of humor and family is still intact. His body is just failing. We don't know how long he has, but he's not in too much pain. No one got mad about the tattoos and both my folks made sure to ask how the med change and therapy were going and to call them if I ever need them to come up and help.  

Emi and I went to the town library's annual book sale when we got home. For $20, you get a canvas tote bag and can fill it up. So we did. Then she wanted to know what was going on in the park. I told her it looked like a craft fair, so we stowed the bag of books and went over. She was CRUSHED to find out that there were only people selling things. She thought a craft fair meant that there would be booths where SHE could do the crafts. So we bought a bottle of water and she played on the playground and I read my book. I made her agree to come home when I noticed that the skin on her knee was so dry and so itchy that she'd clawed it into bleeding.

Ox came to hug me and snuggle me as soon as we got home. He pulled me to the couch and demanded books. Downwood got me a beer. Emi got in the tub. After several books and me losing my cool, I came back to see what happened on the interwebs while we were gone. Lots of nothing. I'm sad and upset for what seem like good reasons, but really aren't. The kids are watching some TV and things are sort of quiet. That's okay. I don't feel okay, but it'll probably be okay.
sabine: (Default)
I have a new nervous habit. When I'm trying to not freak out and out myself as being as generally depressed and anxious as I am, I play with my new necklace. I bought it from The Bloggess's shop. It simply says "Depression LIES". Emi wanted to know what it meant and I just couldn't explain. I had to break out the dreaded "I'll explain when you're older". I know that's a cop-out, but she's not old enough to understand.


Work cafeteria had honey-Sriracha-glazed grilled chicken. It's spicy, sweet, and good (though a bit dry). I braved the super-warm rain to fetch it and am not sad.


No one on this phone call is being the voice of reason. That's a problem. I'm too busy eating lunch and not familiar enough with the arguments to be that voice. This is troubling and could go really, really wrong. Also, "irrespective" is not a word. Jerk.


Tensions are mounting at home. I'm waking Emi up in the morning far earlier than she wants to get up. She'll have to be up, fed, and dressed pretty early when school starts and I don't want those first days to be absolutely terrible. Daddy and Ox will also have to be getting up earlier, since I'm reasonably sure that they'll be walking Emi to and from the bus stop for at least a couple of days. I'm having to be the morning person of the group, which is not exactly a natural role for me, but it's a Momma role.


I'm really enjoying the Jane Jameson series by Molly Harper. They're fun, the heroine is flawed in many of the same ways I am, and there are many interesting characters in the cast. Not high class literature, but fun.


I'm excited for Odd Video Night next week. I'm bringing some shinies to unload and my henna kit. Yes. This will be a good thing.


I'm not a failure or a terrible person. I'm doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I don't get to fold, so I'll just keep going. There are good, brilliant things and some pretty awful things. The world would NOT be a better place with me not in it. Emi would never, ever understand. That has to be good enough for right now.
sabine: (Default)
What do I write now? All the internet and all tv and all radio have been talking about Robin Williams. Walking through the office building lobby yesterday, they were speculating at length on his suicide method.

I had no need for that. What purpose does it serve?

My customers and coworkers were talking about how sad it is that mental illness isn't well taken care of and couldn't he just reach out and why did the system fail him?

I could tell them. I almost did, but didn't want to color how they'd interact with me in the future.

The people who are trying their best to explain depression and anxiety and suicidal urges to people who haven't experienced it first hand and the people who are explaining how to best help depressed people....they're doing the right thing and I'm glad of it.

I don't think it will help. After all, there's always another article saying "Just go outside! Get sun! Exercise! All your depression will go away".

I'm not okay. I'm really not okay. But I'm very good at faking it.

Some days are less okay than other days. Sometimes my meds work really well. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes I remember to not look in the mirror and just keep feeling good about how I look. Sometimes I don't and then the jerkbrain wins. Sometimes just hearing that someone who appears to be a responsible adult with good things in life is actually a mess under the surface...sometimes that helps.

I'm here. Depression lies, but it's oh-so-good at it. Like, on a scale of Jesus to Loki, depression clocks in at a solid Coyote for lying ability. It's good at it, is what I'm saying.

I'm trying to combat the lies, but the truth is hard to see. And that's okay. I know there are people out there fighting this same fight and, just like me, trying very, very hard to conceal that this battle is even a thing.

Because who wants to be known as broken? No one, that's who.

There's always someone who will be sad if you were to suddenly not be there anymore. There's someone who will cry and cry and wonder why you didn't love them enough to stay, why you didn't reach out to them, why they couldn't help.

If you've never felt this way, consider yourself very lucky. If you've never looked deep inside and said, "The world would be a better place without me in it", you are blessed.

And if someone comes to you and says, "I'm depressed and really don't want to be here anymore", for the love of all you hold holy, shut up and LISTEN. Don't try to fix things. Don't offer your extremely well meant advice. Just fucking listen. Even if they don't want to talk, but just need someone nearby to know that they're not alone, listen to them - not by pushing them to talk, but just by being there. It's cool. You can offer your advice later...or not at all. Contrary to what you might believe, we do hear a lot of those pieces of advice and try them.

So, in summary:
  • Non-depression people, just LISTEN. Don't blame your loved one, don't offer advice. Close your mouth and open your ears and heart.
  • Depressed people, do whatever you have to do to get through the day. Look at cat videos. Read blogs. Find the comfort book and read it for the millionth time. Ask for different medication or different dosing. Ask for help
  • Suicide sometimes is the only option. Because depression is a lying bastard and that's the end goal.
  • Just because someone looks like they're fine, doesn't mean they're fine. They may be smiling and laughing and still be deeply depressed. Depression isn't emo goth. It's deeper and more insidious than that. Also, a lying bastard.

Any questions?

sabine: (Default)
Forgot to restock my purse Emergency Xanax again. Bad plan, past me. Bad. Plan.

From 8-5 today, I was pre-scheduled for 7 hours of meetings. And then, of course, I've had several other phone calls, OMG!CRITICAL FIX IT NAWO things, and a myriad of smaller concerns. This doesn't bode well for sanity for me.

Forgot my water bottle again. Fuck.

Sitting at my desk on the phone, I keep getting really dizzy. I had a tasty lunch, but probably haven't been drinking enough water. This is distressing and upsetting.

My head is pounding and has been since I arrived at work. This is distracting and upsetting. I try to stretch out my neck, since I know the constant pressure and shouting is making me more and more tense.

I want to go home and work on a new dress. I want to get my To Be Sewn queue down far enough that I can work on the commission a friend handed me. I want to have spare brain cycles for updating my various Storium games. I want to sleep and not wake up over and over through the night. I want to not be so chubby, but I lack the willpower to not snack. I want to not feel guilty about wanting these things. I want to snuggle my kids without a bedtime battle first. I kind of want to throw up.

I want this phone call to end so I can go get more water so I can take some Tums. I want this phone call to end so I don't have to listen to these people any more. I don't want to check my voicemail in between my next two calls.

I want to jettison half of my responsibilities at work. I want to take on new, exciting, and WAY MORE FUN responsibilities, but I haven't the time or energy. I want my TL to act on this instead of just saying that we're in a tight transitional period and it's not possible right now.

I want my new meds to work better than my old meds. I want this med transition to go well. I want my wrists and thumbs to stop hurting.

I want Ox to talk. I want to hear what my boy's thinking about. I want Emi to love Kindergarten and not hate it because she'll have to get up early.

I want to not be freaking out about traveling this weekend for work. I want everything to go well so that I don't have to be awake for 30 hours straight. I want to go to the shiny store. I want to sleep and I want to visit with my favorite people there, not with the ones who've been making my life hell this week.

I want my PMS to wrap itself up already and my uterus to figure things out.

I'm tired of this. As may well be imagined.


Jun. 9th, 2014 03:05 pm
sabine: (Default)
Friday night was a disaster, due to anxiety about work and other things.

Saturday morning was lovely, due to me actually being rested for once. I did the work that I had to get done, then hovered over the phone for the rest of the day in case something exploded and they needed me.

Since I was hovering and didn't want to start anything (working off the theory that as soon as I did, they'd call and I'd be sad), I started cleaning the den. Downwood started helping out of self-preservation. Ox anti-helped and got banished. Emi said she was helping, but the truth is a bit far from that. I reorganized the piles of books that are on the shelves, but don't actually have homes *on* the shelves. I pulled out all my baby, pregnancy, and breastfeeding books for the GiveAway pile and all my craft books for the Put With Craft Stuff pile. I washed every blanket and pillow that was back in the den, as well as all the winter coats I could find (5 loads, total).

Downwood picked up toys, picked up kid books, and vacuumed.

In the afternoon, Downwood took the kids to the grocery store. I tried to sew and made a mess of things, so I put the projects on the table and read and dozed.

That evening, Emi and I started a new bedtime routine. Now instead of saying "You have 10 minutes left until bed", I say "If you head in right now, we have time for 3 books." And then if she dawdles, I give her the "Two Book Warning". Since she LOVES bedtime books, this is a bigger incentive than me scolding and finally getting her to bed and telling her we only have time for one book. If I give her the choice of "two books or 5 more minutes of video and one book", it seems more fair to her. I think this is reasonable.

Sunday morning, none of us were well rested. Downwood had gone to bed really early, so he was up and about at 4:30 and grumpy about it.

It was a usual Sunday. Downwood mowed, I did a ton of laundry, the kids played outside and whined and snuggled and read books and got in trouble. We played GW2 and I got World Completion on my main character (only impressive if you play GW2, sadly). All was well until bedtime.

I forgot to pick up a refill of one of my evening meds. It's the one that shuts off the hamster wheel in my brain so that I can actually sleep. Without it, no sleep. So I was in bed for about an hour and a half before I finally was able to do more than doze. My Fitbit was unhappy with me this morning. I was unhappy with me this morning.

I've had lots of coffee and have hidden in my office as much as possible. I don't particularly want to talk to difficult people today, as my filters are all wonky.

But there's a YouTube video of Hugh Jackman rapping "The Music Man" at the Tony Awards last night. I have the "Motown Tribute to Nickelback" album on my phone. I did some lovely weird henna on my leg. There are several good new books on my Kindle and I was able to use some of my Amazon credits to buy some good apps for the kiddos. I only work 4 days this week, have a dentist appointment Friday morning, then it's off to Iowa to spend time with my seester and take the kids on a train ride and see Grandpa again.
sabine: (Default)
Man, all I ever write about these days is being depressed, having anxiety, being exhausted, and having kids. What else is there in my life, you may well ask? Not really a whole lot.

Other things:
  • Sewing. I'm making progress on getting through the pile of UFOs on my sewing table. My black/red dress just needs the facing put in and the final seams done. I impulse purchased fabric for a new set of dance pants, and they're just waiting on casings at the ankle and waist to be elasticed. 
  • Also in Sewing, I joined the Collette Sew-Along for the Mabel skirt pattern. I have the pattern printed, though I need to tape it together and trace it. I have fabric and thread, I just need time and motivation.
  • Fitness. I made it to a 1 MINUTE PLANK last night! Woot! I joined a FB group that has daily challenges. It's all leg stuff and teacher M does worse things to us than this trainer, so I feel both smug and sad.
  • Crochet. The belated baby gift is 2/3 done. I have the yarn for my next 3 projects lined up. This is good.
  • Werk. Busy and stressful. Lots of getting yelled at and told to deal with things that shouldn't be my responsibility, but somehow are. Sigh.
  • Books. "Thirteenth Child" was way better than I'd expected. "Skin Game" is on my desk, waiting for me to have time to devour it. I tore through the Mercy Thompson series and am currently listening to the first Sookie Stackhouse book on Audible. The narrator is charming. Emi's currently obsessed with a set of Star Wars books I got her. Ox just likes books with rhymes or wheels.
  • Henna. I continue to do at least one design every day and post it to my FB page. I need to buy a new marker, though, as this one's starting to give out on me.
  • Style. I love my 50's style shirtdresses. They make me feel pretty! I also caved to ModCloth's sale and bought a new swimsuit. It's also 50's style, fits well, and flatters my chubby tummy. I don't feel like a million bucks in it, but I feel at least an order of magnitude more confident in it than in my old swimsuit. Also, as Downwood pointed out, I've had my old suit since before he met me, so it's not like I won't get my money's worth out of this one, even though it's way more expensive than any suit I've ever bought before.
So, yeah. There are things other than the jerkbrain and the kids. But those take up so much of my processing that I don't ever think to talk about the other things that happen. Dunno.

I'm going to go take a half xanax now and try to be productive. I can't be productive and be crying. Those two things don't go together.

Also, no matter what the jerkbrain says, I'm not a failure. I have a good job and a nice house. So I don't spend as much time keeping it clean as I should. So I don't spend as much time making the yard look nice as I should. So I eat junk food and don't cook good food for my family like I should. So I don't save as much money as I should. So I'm not as generous with my time as I should. The operative word in all those things is "should". That's a word that never helps.

What should I be doing? The best I can, being gentle with myself, letting go of "perfect", embracing "good enough", and continue to resist the self-harm impulses. That's both manageable and healthy, so that's what I "should" be doing. It's hard, but good.


Apr. 4th, 2014 01:51 pm
sabine: (Default)
Downwood and I were fighting this morning as I was trying to get my breakfast together and get myself out the door. We were trying to work it over IM but got interrupted by Emi waking up.

I forgot about her this morning.

Every weekday morning, one of the last things I do before leaving the house is to go into her room, give her a hug and kiss, and tell her to have a good day. Usually she's still very, very asleep, but sometimes she'll wake up enough to respond.

So I called home. Emi was in tears. I apologized, asked Daddy to give her a hug, then asked if she could come have lunch with me.

So we all had lunch. And it was good.

Now I'm back at my desk and am a bit weepy. Today is a depression day. Today is not so much an anxiety day, just depression. Depression lies. The coping mechanisms for anxiety and depression have a big overlap, but there are differences. I will continue to take care of myself so that I can go home to my kidz tonight. They're adorable, funny, frustrating, and wonderful. Today is not so bad as many of my depression days. I'll make it through the afternoon and the evening will be for books and sleep.


sabine: (Default)

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